AITA for going no contact with my birth family as soon as I turned 18 even though my adoption was always open?

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In a world where the definition of family is ever-evolving, one young man’s decision to draw a line between biology and belonging offers a stirring insight into modern family dynamics. His story unfolds amid deep-rooted traditions and conflicting expectations, where the warmth of chosen love clashes with the rigidity of inherited ties. The personal struggle of distinguishing between who truly nurtures us and who merely shares our DNA sets the stage for an emotional journey of self-discovery.

The narrative highlights the moment he finally mustered the courage to sever ties with his birth family. His heartfelt determination to rely solely on the unwavering affection of his adoptive family paints a vivid picture of a complex internal battle. In a tale filled with subtle humor and poignant reflections, he challenges conventional notions about what it means to be “family.”

‘AITA for going no contact with my birth family as soon as I turned 18 even though my adoption was always open?’

I (18M) was adopted at birth by my parents. They went through an adoption agency for me like they did for my sister (20F). I have a brother (23M) who was also adopted but through foster care instead. My brother didn't have any contact with his birth family. My sister had regular contact with hers and we're all pretty close to them and they're great people.

She'd see both her bio sides a few times a year and had calls with them regularly. With my birth family it was a yearly visit with monthly phone calls. When I got a little older there were invites sent for me to join for certain family functions but I always turned those down. And the thing about it all is I have never felt connected to my birth family and I don't consider them my family either.

Like my birth family yes... but to me? I don't know how to describe it exactly. I know I come from them. That I wouldn't exist without them and that I'll always be related to them through DNA. On the other hand my adoptive family are the family I love and think of as actual family. And since I'm being honest I should say that I had wanted to cut ties with my birth family for years.

But I didn't want to make things difficult when I was under 18. I know there are people who judge me for that. I'm in some adoption forums and I get judged pretty harshly for rejecting my bios and especially for not wanting a good relationship with my bio siblings.

They're all full too which is a little different from most but angers some other adoptees I've connected with who feel like I should see them as siblings just as much as my siblings from my adopted family. But anyway, some stuff about my birth family has always annoyed me.

I compare them a lot to my sister's family because she's still in contact with hers and close to them and so are the rest of us. She's got a good relationship going there and always will most likely. But her birth parents never acted like they could overrule our parents. They never got weird with our parents.

Her half siblings were cool about her having me and our brother. She never got s**t for calling us her brothers and saying her half siblings were family instead of saying siblings. Her extended birth families never bitched about her missing stuff they threw for their family or how they weren't invited to every single thing.

When my sister graduated high school and she wanted to do an intimate family celebration with just our family and a bigger celebration with everyone also there was no drama. So I consider hers the best kind of open adoption. I don't feel like that about mine. My birth parents stayed together unlike my sister's.

They weren't as open about stuff as hers were either. My sister knows her birth parents were thinking of her and how they wouldn't be able to get their s**t together and her extended families weren't in the best place for it. They even wrote a letter for her and another for our parents expressing all they wanted for her was the best.

They even bought her a stuffy to always have with her. It wasn't a huge thing but it was something they wanted her to have so she'd feel like she wasn't just given away. With mine? They only ever said I came at a bad time because they were in college. But with how they act I think they saw giving me up as temporary.

I think their families wanted me in their lives too but not to be a part of keeping me in the family. What I remember most is how during visits my birth parents would seem annoyed if my parents were correcting me for something or being affectionate with me. They'd try to parent me which was weird because I talked to them more but I only saw them once a year.

My birth parents loved to say they were my parents. They'd call me their son and got upset when I was called my parents son. They'd also be upset that I didn't enjoy alone time with them and their kids like they wanted and I always wanted my parents and siblings back.

There were some talks with my parents and birth parents that I was never involved in but my birth parents would be so angry after them. Their kids were always so jealous of my relationship with my siblings. I don't even remember the number of times I was told by their kids that I was their sibling and not my actual siblings sibling.

Or that I was told I shouldn't talk to my siblings in front of them because it made them sad. One year my birth family visited us and it got super weird because my birth parents kids were super annoyed at some of the photos of me and my siblings and wanted to recreate them with me and wanted those to replace the ones at home.

My extended birth families complained about not being invited to my birth parties or not being allowed to host their own for me where I'd fly out. But they wanted me alone. Then it was weddings. Then it was how mad they were that I took part in a tradition on my mom's side to add a recipe to a family cook book and make it with my grandma.

There was a lot of cyber stalking going on and grumbling. A lot of the calls I had with them were the same where they'd bring up stuff I'd done with my family and kind of whine about it. I got asked a lot why I didn't call them mom and dad and grandma and grandpa and stuff.

But anyway, I started waiting for the day I could end contact with them and it came in November. I don't answer their calls anymore and I expressed that I won't be visiting this summer either and don't want them to visit. There's been a lot of backlash. My parents wanted me to let them deal with it but I don't want it misunderstood. This isn't my parents decision. It's mine.

And I'll be pissed, not them, if my birth family tries to show up or anything. The biggest thing I'm getting via DMs on socials that I had to make private and text which made me change my number after blocking didn't work, is that I have a whole ass family who wants me and to think of the kids involved. My bio siblings especially because they miss me and they're so young and stuff.. AITA?

Navigating the intricate maze of adoption and blood ties isn’t just a personal battle—it mirrors larger societal questions about identity and acceptance. In this complex scenario, the young man’s internal strife reflects the universal search for belonging that many face in non-traditional family setups. His decision, forged out of a desire for genuine connection, underscores the importance of emotional well-being over mere genetic links.

The contrasting dynamics between his adoptive family and his birth relatives further illuminate the challenges of open adoption. His adoptive family exudes unconditional love and acceptance, while his birth family seems to be mired in expectations, control, and unspoken resentments. This turbulent environment has forced him into making a choice that many might find harsh, yet it resonates with the fundamental human need to feel truly seen and supported.

Bringing insight to this delicate matter, Dr. Laura Markham—a respected clinical psychologist and parenting expert—once stated, “Family is defined by love, empathy, and the quality of relationships, not solely by biology.” (Learn more at Aha! Parenting).

Her words echo through this narrative, reminding us that the bonds we choose often matter more than those we inherit. In this case, the young man’s heart clearly aligns with the nurturing care and stability provided by his adoptive family, rather than the complicated and often painful expectations of his birth relatives.

In light of these perspectives, experts advise that when faced with conflicting familial dynamics, it is crucial to prioritize mental and emotional health. Establishing clear, respectful boundaries can pave the way toward healing and self-affirmation.

The story reminds readers that while society may idealize biological connections, the essence of family truly lies in the quality of support, care, and unconditional love one experiences. This wise approach not only safeguards personal integrity but also fosters a healthier, more authentic sense of identity.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

Here are some hot takes from the Reddit community—candid, humorous, and thoroughly unfiltered. These comment blocks capture varied perspectives, from emphatic support for his decision to candid critiques of his approach. They showcase the diversity of opinions surrounding family loyalty versus personal choice. While these views offer entertaining insights, one can’t help but wonder: do they mirror the deeper reality of what “family” truly means?

cynrtst − You owe them nothing. I haven’t talked to my bio sister in 15 years. You make family with people who love you, not use you. Don’t feel bad. Look forward and love those who are your “real” family.. Edit: thank you to those who awarded and up voted this!

No-Community- − NTA your family is your adopted family, if you feel like you don’t want contact with your birth family it’s all up to you, don’t let them guilt trip you, enjoy your life, you do t owe them anything at all

Lazy-Instruction-600 − NTA. I had a child in college with my, now husband. The baby was placed for open adoption. I hand selected the adoptive parents. I send a birthday card every year and text the adoptive parents a few times a year. I do not question their parenting or demand visits.

I do not expect a relationship with my first born when they turn 18 but, I wish for it in my heart. My husband and I went on to have other children and they would also love to meet their much older sibling. I can understand your bio family’s desire to have you in their life. But they have gone about it the wrong way. I made a plan for my child to have a better life than I could give them at the time.

Once the paperwork is signed, birth parents are no longer your legal parents. They have no say. The fact that they have continually undermined and been jealous of your adoptive family is g**tesque to me. They should be happy you landed in a loving home where you feel accepted and loved and have healthy relationships.

Sweet-Interview5620 − NTA sorry but you have to do what’s right for you. It’s clear your bio family never really wanted that and they wanted you to be miserable for 18 years with a family you don’t like and only be happy the once a year you visited them.

Nah they are the assholes and anyone who genuinely loved you and cared would be glad you’re happy and in a loving home. They don’t get to make every interaction with you painful and unhappy then get mad without even wondering why you want no contact.

TheGingerCynic − You have parents and siblings that love you, and want the best for you. Adoption is what gave you that family. Your bio relatives are not loving, they're controlling. They seem to think that giving you up for adoption means someone else can do the hard work, then they can rock up and have a well-adjusted child that they did no part in raising.. NTA

The only thing I'd say you did wrong was not telling your parents about your intentions. They could've cut them off years ago, and with support from social services (or the equivalent) to ensure you were protected from some of this. Open adoption doesn't mean they have access to you whenever it suits them. It means you have the option to get in touch with them when it suits you.

Ok_Stable7501 − It sounds like they want to have their cake and eat it too. They wanted someone else to raise you, but they want to take credit, have you to themselves, have you call them mom and dad, and act like they parented you.

But, at this age, you don’t need to maintain a relationship with anyone, bio or adopted, if you don’t want to. Your bio parents are trying to dictate and control your relationship. It’s very narcissistic. And if you need to go no contact, you should. NTA

gringaellie − NTA but if they keep harassing you, you could go down the legal route. You don't owe them anything.

Vegetable-Cod-2340 − NTA. Op, you don’t owe them anything, but you may want to tell them clearly in letter or something your decision , so first and foremost they know it’s your decision , but also so maybe they’ll stop harassing you.

They probably think your parents are forcing you to do this, so telling them this is you decision will make all the difference and could stop any planned drama from occurring. Maybe a white lie of asking for space , when you well aware you just want no contact, will get you some breathing room from the dms and private messages.

porcelainthunders − NTA... I gave the child I carried up for adoption, 15 years ago yesterday, actually. She was never mone, from day 1, I knew someone was going to be a mom, not me...I don't have that gene I think. But, her parents were their for the birth. It was ...amazing. and I let them know, this was their child and it was their choice how much, little, or none at all, contact they wanted.

They wanted to stay on contact. Have flown out to visit twice...but...Anyway. Your birth parents gave you up for adoption. They aren't your parents. Your mom and dad who chose you, who wanted to adopt you, who have raised and loved you.. THEYRE your parents and birth ppl...wtf? You're the child They gave birth to and found your parents who adopted you.

Your siblings? ...kind of weird and entitled. Theyre...Your birth ppls kids. Your siblings are the children you grew up with, have the same parents, and...well, I HATE when people pull the s*** like they're doing. They. Are not. Your family. Those kids just happen to have the same birth people...but you? Don't have the same parents!

That would frustrate me to all get out! No hate on my end, nor on the kids end. She has a wonderful family and beautiful parents. One of my sisters (she's a little off..love her but...) mentioned something about wanting to meet her, being her aunt, whatever. No. She is NOT her aunt!! No. Unless kiddo wants to meet her, my sister needs to f off.

Go no contact as soon as you can. You HAVE a family and don't need those people trying to wiggle in and pretend they are your family. No. Nope. No thanks. Side note, that is just so down right awesome that you have such a wonderful family. Sure sometimes siblings fight, regardless, so heart warming to hear how great your parents and siblings are.

Tou can tell from reading this just how much you love them and how grateful you are for such a beautiful family. Cheers to you, and here's toncutting off the birth peeps and just being with your real family. All the positive whatevers being sent your way for gooes that all of your tomorrows turn into beautiful todays.

CantRespond_Berry0-0 − I say NTA. At the end of the day it’s your life. You can do what you want to do. Sounds like some jealousy from your bio families side. If you feel better mentally cutting them off, then go for it. Maybe in several years you can try to reach out to your bio siblings if you are up for it, once they are older.

In conclusion, this story is not merely about cutting ties—it’s about making a hard, yet liberating choice for personal happiness and genuine connection. The tension between biological obligations and the love of a chosen family raises questions that linger in today’s modern relationships. What would you do if you found yourself caught between two worlds? Share your thoughts, experiences, and perspectives, and join the discussion on redefining what family truly means.

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