Ex fiancee [32F] of 8+ years broke up with me [32M] via text message ~3 years ago, and disappeared. Now is trying to rejoin our circle of mutual friends, and i am struggling with it extremely hard?

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In the quiet hum of a cozy game night, dice rolling and laughter filling the air, one message can shatter the peace like a rogue critical hit. Three years ago, a man’s world crumbled in Auckland Airport, clutching a phone with a breakup text from his fiancée of eight years. Now, Jessica, the woman who vanished without a trace, is back, weaving her way into their shared friend group like a ghost from a forgotten campaign. Her return stirs a storm of emotions—anger, betrayal, and lingering pain—for the man she left behind.

His current partner stands by him, a beacon of support, yet the scars of that sudden abandonment ache anew. Friends, once united in shock, now waver, some welcoming Jessica back while others hold firm. The tension is palpable, like a cliffhanger in a Dungeons & Dragons session, leaving everyone wondering: can old wounds heal when the past demands a seat at the table?

‘Ex fiancee [32F] of 8+ years broke up with me [32M] via text message ~3 years ago, and disappeared. Now is trying to rejoin our circle of mutual friends, and i am struggling with it extremely hard?’

Me and a girl who i will just call Jessica, were a couple for 8+ years and engaged for 3+ of them. I met her through a mutual friend in my group of friends. We ended up hitting it off pretty quickly as our dorky/nerdy hobbies aligned really well.

I personally fully expected to marry this person, and spend the rest of my life with her. In early 2016 her job offered her an amazing opportunity to temporarily work 4 months in the companies satellite office New Zealand (she was an Environmental Engineer), to temporarily manage and lead a new team.

It was very sudden, and i was not really happy with the idea, but she really wanted this chance and opportunity. So off she went. I flew out to visit her after ~2 months, only when i arrived at the airport i got a text message from her.

The message was short and more or less consisted of 'she was sorry but after thinking it through, she thinks it would be best if we went our separate ways from now on'. She then completely blocked me on almost every single form of social media, cell phone, etc. I was confused, devastated and became an absolute wreck.

I remember completely breaking down in Auckland Airport. I spent the next 4 days living at a motel basically trying to get into contact with her in any shape or form. She had apparently blocked everyone of our circle of friends. Even her close friends from our circle of friends were shocked, confused and basically lost.

Even her parents were extremely confused when i called them, her dad who i was extremely close with (we coached pee-wee hockey together, and played a lot of beer league for hockey together), refused to believe it at first. I was a mess for a solid year, but my close circle of friends managed to drag me out of my hellish hole along with some therapy.

Her best friends became close friends to me. About a year ago, she invited some of her old close friends to her wedding among a bunch of other people from our group. No one went, and i quickly found out which hurt me even more.

Over a year ago i started dating one of her old friends, as me and her had gotten close over the last 2 years or so. She felt quite hurt when Jessica basically ghosted her. Unfortunately there was some awkwardness because she fully knew i was not fully over my ex, but she has been a supportive and amazing person and i am extremely happy with her.

Life was going great for me. Then in December Jessica apparently moved back home after divorcing a few months after getting married. I don't know much and i don't want to know. However she is making this hugely concentrated effort to reconnect with people in our friend group, which is resulting in some very conflicted feelings for some people.

Last week i found out that Jessica and some of my friends have started playing D&D (via roll20), which frankly made me feel like s**t. Part of my just wants to move on from this but i am struggling hard. While my SO has been extremely supportive, i just feel numb and dont really know what to do.

Today Jessica sent me a long facebook message basically apologizing to me for what she did, and asked to be friends. I didn't respond and blocked her. I told my SO, and i just felt like i was going to break down.

Right now my SO is saying she is worried about me, and keeps asking me what do i want to do. My SO confessed that Jessica had sent her a similar message a few weeks ago, and she told her off. I don't know what i am supposed to do, i can't order my friends to not be friends with her.

I just feel like a mess and i am struggling with this as i feel like i am teenager dealing with stupid drama again.TLDR; EX Fiancee of 8+ years dumped me via text message after i flew across the world to see her. Now she is trying to reconnect with everyone and i am struggling very hard with this. What should i do?

The OP’s dropped an update on the saga—curious? Click here to check it out!

Jessica’s reappearance is like a plot twist no one saw coming, forcing her ex to navigate a maze of unresolved pain. The sudden ghosting, followed by her attempt to reconnect, highlights a clash of personal boundaries and social loyalty. Her actions years ago left not just her fiancé but an entire friend group reeling, raising questions about trust and forgiveness.

This situation reflects a broader issue: the impact of ghosting on social circles. According to a 2018 study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, ghosting can lead to prolonged emotional distress for those left behind, often more than a direct breakup. The abrupt loss of closure fuels anxiety and self-doubt, as seen in the man’s year-long struggle.

Dr. Jennice Vilhauer, a psychologist specializing in relationships, notes, “Ghosting is an act of emotional withdrawal that prioritizes one’s own comfort over another’s well-being” (Psychology Today). Her insight applies directly here—Jessica’s choice to vanish protected her own interests but left devastation in her wake. Now, her return may stem from remorse or loneliness post-divorce, but it disregards the lingering trauma she caused.

For the man, setting boundaries is key. He’s right to block Jessica’s message, prioritizing his mental health. Therapy, which helped him before, could again provide tools to process this upheaval. He should openly communicate with his partner, reinforcing their bond, and discuss his discomfort with friends, seeking their support without dictating their choices. This balance respects his needs while acknowledging others’ autonomy.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

The Reddit crew didn’t hold back, serving up a spicy mix of support, shade, and tough love for this tangled tale. It’s like a virtual tavern where everyone’s got a strong opinion and a stronger drink. Here’s the unfiltered scoop from the crowd:

gfurr3 − 1. Your SO is the real deal. Don’t let her get away if you can help it. Make sure you’re totally open with how you’re feeling and tell her that you appreciate her effort so she knows she’s doing something right. 2. Your ex is a self absorbed snake who screwed you over and ghosted all her friends to do so. If any of your friends side with her about this then they’re not worth it.

Ratlarbig − 1st and foremost you should tell your new significant other that you appreciate her support and that your dedicated to being with her and you're not in any way intrested in or have feelings for your ex. I know she probably knows this but suspect it would help her to hear it.

Then I would have a heart-to-heart conversation with your friend group and remind them how badly she hurt you and them those few years ago. I would tell them that you are not comfortable letting her back into the circle of friends and hope that they would recognize that and be understanding.

And finally I probably wouldd reply to the ex tell her that you are not able to forgive her and ask her not to contact you again. Remember the best victory over a trashy ex is to move on and make good for yourself. You're a person with a happy successful relationship and she is the failure coming home with her tail between her legs. Don't forget that

initialsmmm101 − Anyone in your 'group' who decides to be friends with this woman is not really your friend

OneTwoWee000 − what i am supposed to do, i can't order my friends to not be friends with her.. You can call up your closest friends and lay out your boundaries.. * You have no interest and rekindling friendship with this woman.. * You don’t want to hear about her life in passing.

* You don’t want to be at any group hang out where she is coming. Give you a heads up so you can bail. * You’ll need to distance yourself any mutual friends who become close with her because she caused you a lot of pain. Honestly, if after this chat any of your friends chooses her, then you know they are not your friend. You can distance and eventually sever the friendships because of disloyalty.

Ellina3 − Tbh in all of this mess I feel for your SO. Firstly she was ghosted by her friend over something she had nothing to do with, then she endured watching her bf still having feelings for his ex and now she has to deal with witnessing you struggling with that old story all over again. All the while trying to be a supportive partner.

Sorry to sound harsh but it was extremely unfair and selfish of you to start a new relationship while not being completely over your ex. I’m aware that we’re primarily responsible for ourselves but some basic degree of fairness towards others shouldn’t be disregarded in the process.

About your friends, I can understand you feel betrayed watching them getting close to your ex and “forgiving” her for what she did. But there’s really nothing you can do about that. Your friends are free to make their own decisions. As you are too.

TomahawkSuppository − Dude, move on with your life and stop giving this chick who ghosted you so much control. Take your girlfriend and live the best life you can live, that in an of itself is the greatest revenge.

Just pause and consider the situation here. You are in a stable relationship with someone you really like and she cares about you. Meanwhile your ex just got a divorce and moved back and is trying to repair bridges she burned down. Ignore her and move on with your life.

Fable_Darling − Do you want to remain friends with the people in your life who are spending time with this woman? If you don’t, that’s fine. If you don’t think you can because of stress, that’s also fine. You could send them a message politely explaining why you need to some space. Whether you decide to reach out to them again is up to you.

You’ve been badly hurt by this person and that’s left you with a lot of trauma. You’ve spent a lot of time healing and having her back in your life, even from a distance, is bound to reopen some wounds. Everything you are feeling is okay. You’re not a bad person for struggling with this.

Unfortunately, there isn’t any quick fix I can recommend. Like before, you have to take this curve ball one day at a time. Be honest with your girlfriend and friends about what’s going on in your head. If you’re still in therapy, bring the issue up with your therapist. If you see her in person and you panic, it’s okay to leave the room.

If you’re too upset to meet with your mutual friends that’s okay. Let them know you are struggling and if they’re good friends they will understand. If you just need to sit down and cry, then cry. There’s no shame in it.

Let yourself struggle, and then let yourself keep moving forward. Please don’t shut yourself away from people who honestly want to be there for you. Communicate your needs. Ask yourself, what do I need to do for my own mental health? Then go through the steps to protect yourself.

RoxyMcfly − If any of your friends decide to be friends with her again after what she did, then they were never your real friends. It's easy to create a friendship when someone pulls what she did on all of you. Honestly I would move on from those friends with your SO, and start a new life without all that history.

SkyeRibbon − Tell her to f**k off. Dont even humor her. Shes literal evil.

gravestoney − 100% she met someone else in the time y’all were apart. Then when you flew out, she panicked and cut everybody off so that her infidelity wouldn’t be discovered. And the guy she got married & divorced to was probably her affair partner.

It seems quite obvious that because she’s remorseful of her stupidity (that left her divorced and alone), she’s now trying to win friends back to feel better about herself. You’re being very disrespectful to your current gf by letting this weigh on you so hard as if she just broke up with you.

From someone who is earnestly trying to work with you, you’re simply pussyfooting around until you feel better. How is that fair to her that she has to wait with no effort on your part until you’re ready? You shouldn’t have agreed to date her until you had your own feelings sorted.

Cut out the people who are still actively allowing for her to come back into their lives but explain that anyone who condones her behavior to you is just as bad as her which will be resulting in the ending of your friendship.

Harsh? Maybe. But with action shows intent and will push you to seek internal closure. You need to focus on yourself, have a higher sense of self-respect, and try harder to move on or else you’ll never feel genuine happiness with this weight in your heart.

These Redditors rallied, some cheering the man’s resilience and loyal partner, others slamming Jessica’s nerve to waltz back in. A few called out the friends cozying up to her, while others urged him to focus on his new life. But do these fiery takes capture the full picture, or are they just adding fuel to the drama? One thing’s certain: this saga has tongues wagging.

Navigating an ex’s return is like walking a tightrope over a pit of unresolved feelings. The man’s struggle is real, caught between past pain and a present he’s worked hard to rebuild. His partner’s support and his own growth show strength, but Jessica’s presence tests that foundation. By setting boundaries and leaning on therapy, he can protect his peace while letting friends make their own choices. What would you do if an ex who ghosted you tried to slip back into your life? Share your thoughts and experiences below!

For those who want to read the sequel: [UPDATE] Ex fiancee [32F] of 8+ years broke up with me [32M] via text message ~3 years ago, and disappeared. Now is trying to rejoin our circle of mutual friends, and i am struggling with it extremely hard

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