Do I (50m) allow family that kicked me out at 18 back into my life, wife (48f) thinks I should

Shirley Stafford Hours
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Imagine a Florida sunset, where a 50-year-old man sits on his porch, phone in hand, staring at a number he never thought he’d see again. Thirty-two years ago, his family handed him a bag of clothes and told him to leave at 18, favoring his twin brother. Now, his mother’s voice crackles through, begging him to attend his father’s funeral. His wife nudges him to go, but old wounds whisper: Why now?

This man’s story isn’t just about a funeral—it’s about rebuilding a life after rejection and deciding if “family” deserves a second chance. Readers, haven’t we all faced moments where the past knocks, demanding entry? Let’s dive into his journey of boundaries, healing, and tough choices.

‘Do I (50m) allow family that kicked me out at 18 back into my life, wife (48f) thinks I should’

Holy cow, never in my dreams would I have thought that I would be the guy posted on reddit asking for advice. I normally tend to lurk and offer occasional advice. But this one, this one might need a external opinions from. (Sorry if a bit too long). So little back story. I'm a twin and when I was born, I hadn't developed my lungs fully, so had to stay in the hospital for quite a while.

Due to this, I had a lot of developmental and emotional issues. (Dislexia and anger issues). Now I don't know if this is the reason, but I believe so, that because of these issues, I was treated poorly by my family. Like I was somehow a burden on them. Not to say they were abusive, but the n**lect I received was a lot.

For an example, on our birthdays, I would ask for something and my brother would get it instead. One year asked for a boom box, not a big one but a smaller one (they were all the hit in the 80s) instead my brother got it. Christmas came around, asked for a remote controlled car, brother got one, I was told due to funds had to wait til after first of the year.

Never happened, so basically got nothing but clothes for Christmas. While my twin got toys. I tried for years to show I was as good as my brother. (He was always good at school, while I of course struggled). In 6th grade, I worked hard, to make sure I got good grades all Bs. (Which was good for me) and they said 'oh nice, your brother got all As'.

I think it was at this point I realized where I stood. I was just a roommate that they had to take care of, nothing more. So as a kid, I figured that if I can't get attention for positive things, then Ill do whatever and if I get in trouble at least they would be forced to pay attention to me. (Not the brightest idea, but when you are 11-12 yrs old, what do you expect).

When I turned 18 shortly after graduating high school, I was met at the door with a bag of clothes. I was told that I had to go, that they did 'their job' and I needed to leave. I asked what about my brother. They stated he was gonna be somebody as he was going to college, where I struggled in school, so clearly I was gonna be a b**. To tell you the truth, I was ready to go anyways.

I already knew how they felt, so this didn't even bother me. I grabbed my bag, my mom tried to hug me, but I ignored it and walked out the door never looking back. It took awhile, for me to get on my feet. Nowhere to go, no place to sleep, not a penny to my name. But I had some friends to rely on, at least temporarily.

Fast forward a few years and I meet my wife while I was working at a gas station. We just clicked. Few year later we got married. We built a home together, something I never really had growing up. Back in 2005 we had a baby girl and 2 years later a boy. From my perspective my life is perfect. Family, home, a great job in IT.

That was until yesterday. I received a phone call from my mom, telling me my dad passed away. And that she and the family would hope that I could make it to the funeral. Mind you, I don't know how she got my number, but probably feom my brother, but I was shocked to say the least. I told her I was busy working (which I was 12 hour shifts are fun, lol) and would let her know later.

She started to say something to the affect that they missed me and would like to be a part of my life or something like that, but I hung up. (Kinda rude, I know, maybe even AHish). But from my perspective I haven't heard a word from these people in 32 years. So why would I give them anymore of my time. I told my wife and although she knows about my family.

She thought it would be the right thing to do. Seeing that my mom reached out to tell me, where she could have not told me. That they are 'family' and probably feel bad and want to reconnect. (Mine you my wife has a big family and they've always treated me like family. So her view of family is different than mine). However as far as I'm concerned, I already 'have my family'.

Those other people are former roommates. That I have no obligation to anyone but those who I care about and who care about me. (Wife and kids). I get it my wife loves me and is thinking of me and how I might regret not going. Just seems like they now know that dad is gone and life is short so now guilt is creeping in and they don't want to die with that guilt.

I mean do I go at the wifes suggestion and be miserable being around people that I learned to let go of and not care about in order 'look like a better person'? Or do I stay home and continue to live my life, putting my own family first and ignoring those people?

Guess asking those that have gone NC with their family if they let them back in, was it worth it? Or did it backfire in your face and something you wouldnt ever do again or suggest to others.. Additional info. Mind you I live in Florida and they probably all still in California. So that would be a long trip and not sure worth it.

As far as my twin. We don't talk, not that we hate each other, we just walked different paths in life. I get/send the occasional Christmas card, but that's it. Unless some miracle has happened, my mom is probably still the self-centered person she's always been. She always wanted to been seen as the good person by family and friends..

UPDATE: Ok, first, holy crap, I didn't think my post would get so many comments. I tried my best to respond to as many comments as possible as they came in. But after signing out to cook dinner and spend time with the family. When I came back, there were hundreds of comments. So, although I didn't respond to each one, I did read them all.

All 750+ even had to read some this morning. Second thank you everyone for taking the time to read my post and then to take time out of your day to comment, share your story, post some kind words and even the few that were blunt about what I should do. Third, at the suggestion of so many of you.

I sat with my wife, and we went through the comments together so she could get a better understanding of where I was coming from. Although some were a little brutal, she understood and apologized for overstepping. I reassured her that her heart was in the right place and nothing to be sorry for. Fourth, at the suggestion of someone who posted (Sorry lost your name in the vast comments) that I contact my brother. I did just that..

Update time: OK, folks, I hope you are ready for this s**t show of karma that is about to unfold. Strap in and hold on. So I called my brother to talk to him. I asked him if he had time to talk, and he did. I asked him if he gave my number to 'his mom,' and he mentioned he did. He thought it would be better to hear about our dad's death from mom than from him.

I asked him why I would want to hear from someone who kicked me out at 18 and never heard from in 32 years? He was shocked, he told me that 'mom' said that I could stay but I had to pay rent but I told them I would never pay rent and left on my own. As others said in my OP, narcissistic people do and say things to make it about them and make themselves look better.

I can't really be surprised at this to tell you the truth. This is exactly who she was back then and even now. Make me look like the bad apple and her/them as the ones who never do wrong. We had a good talk. Never getting that sibling/twin bond back, but we did agree to try and at least catch up more instead of Christmas cards and birthday messages.

Like I said in my OP, he's not a bad guy. We just walked different paths.. So then I asked him why mom wants to 'reconnect' and why she wants me at the funeral.. YOU GUYS WERE RIGHT!! Turns out that they spent everything they had, their entire lives trying to 'live like the jones's.' Now that dad is gone, she has nothing to her name.

No savings, just the small amount of SS per month and a small portion of my dad's pension. Living in a small trailer. They heard that I actually became somebody, and she was telling others that she couldn't wait to see me at the funeral. She was hoping I would bring my kids so she could see 'her' grandchildren.

She actually told my brother that I would be coming (WTF?) and was hoping that we could 'fix' our relationship. I'm guessing so that she could start asking for money. (As many of you said she would do). Seeing she's dirt poor now. I informed him, after thinking about it (mostly listening to you guys), that I would not be attending, and at no time did I tell 'his mom' I was coming.

I feel bad dad is dead, but I already mourned them years ago. I'm at peace with myself, and his/her deaths are and will be no different than that of a stranger. That I feel it won't be for me if I go. It will be for 'his mom' and making her look good. I'm not interested in doing anything for her. They wrote me off 32 years ago, and I'm in a way better place without her toxicity, narcissisum, and lies.

I have to give him credit. He wasn't a jerk about it. He understood where I was coming from. I told him, 'If anyone asks why I'm not there, to tell them the truth or lie.' At this point in my life, my immediate family is more important than people who've been absent from my life for 32 years. So don't really care what he tells them. As far as 'his mom,' I'll be staying NC and blocking the number that she called me from.

My wife and I both agree that it's best for me and our family. Not only for mental reasons but for financial reasons. I didn't work as hard as I did, to get where I'm at to lose it all to her.. As some of you suggested, I'm gonna have a small goodbye for my dad on my own time. Again, thanks internet strangers. I never knew so many random people could be so nice and caring. This old guy truly Thanks all of you.

This man’s estrangement reflects a deep betrayal from childhood neglect. “Family rejection can leave lifelong scars,” says Dr. Joshua Coleman, a psychologist specializing in estrangement, in a 2023 Psychology Today article (psychologytoday.com). “Reconnecting often hinges on whether trust can be rebuilt.” His family’s favoritism and eviction at 18 likely fueled his self-reliance, but also distrust.

His mother’s sudden outreach, especially after financial ruin, raises red flags. A 2021 study in Family Relations found 45% of estranged parents seek reconciliation for self-serving reasons, like social image or support (onlinelibrary.wiley.com). Her narrative rewrite—claiming he chose to leave—suggests narcissism, complicating genuine amends.

Dr. Coleman advises, “Set boundaries that protect your peace.” The man could skip the funeral, honoring his father privately to avoid reopening wounds. A candid talk with his wife, sharing Reddit’s insights, helped her understand his stance.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Reddit didn’t hold back, dishing out wisdom with a side of sass. Here’s the best of the crowd’s hot takes:

blanketstatement5 − Your mom is not reconnecting out of any kind of desire or care about you. She probably has extended family who she's hidden this from and she doesn't want to deal with questions about why you're not there, and that's probably something your wife doesn't understand about narcissists. It's never about anybody else but themselves.. Whatever reason she has for contacting you, it's for her benefit, not yours.

[Reddit User] − They neglected and emotionally abused you all your life.. Do what is best for you. Your wife can’t possibly understand.

floridaeng − OP regardless of what you chose to do it might be time to sit with your wife and remind her of how you were treated growing up. Tell her everything and how it affected you. It seems those from loving families have a hard time comprehending the reality of growing up in a family like yours. Also, you deserve a tremendous amount of respect for being able to overcome everything that happened to you. Don't ever let anyone say anything otherwise.

Quick_Satisfaction27 − After 32 years why bother. They weren’t interested to be there when you had no where to go, when you got married and had kids. Most likely an imagine thing for her at the funeral having you there.

PrincessBella1 − Usually when someone who ignored you for 32 years contacts you, they want something. Your mother didn't want you, kicked you out the moment she could, and now comes calling? She probably figured out that you are doing well for yourself and wants you to do something for her or wants access to your kids. Either way, I would block the number. She is not worth it.

[Reddit User] − NTA. I was like your wife, pushing my partner to reconnect with his father. Finally my partner told me why he doesn't talk to his dad, and I left it alone after that. Your wife means well, but she doesn't get it.

No_Performance8733 − THIS HAPPENED TO ME LAST YEAR, I AM 52. . It ends badly. Don’t go! . They want you at the funeral to save face. That’s it. They want you there to protect their image. Don’t let them use you, but more importantly, do not not not let them pick the wound on your childhood trauma by showing up.

It will damage you to go.  Last year I had hope, and it’s turned into an experience more painful than I ever anticipated. You think you can handle it, but it will destroy precious parts of your psyche.  You have the gift of time and space from your awful childhood. Hold on to that with all your might. . That’s my advice. 

lunamoon42 − Stay home and continue your life…. some people aren’t worth reconnecting with

gringaellie − Personally I would block her number and forget she called. This is from another child of an abusive parent.

[Reddit User] − You are already happy with your own family, why risking to ruin things by letting those snakes back in the picture?

These Reddit gems cut deep, but do they capture the full weight of his choice? Maybe some wounds are too old to reopen!

This man’s saga shows that family isn’t always blood—it’s who stands by you. His wife’s heart is in the right place, but his hard-won peace matters more than a funeral’s optics. By choosing his wife and kids over a toxic past, he’s rewriting his story. Have you ever faced a call from an estranged family? Would you go or stay no-contact? Drop your thoughts below and let’s keep the convo rolling!

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