Divorcing My Husband Without Trying To Make It Work?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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Imagine a mother’s heart shattering as she uncovers her husband’s vile racist comments about their own daughter, sparked by her mixed-race heritage. Once high school sweethearts, this couple’s marriage unraveled when the husband, a cop, let prejudice poison his view of their darker-skinned twin daughter. This Reddit user’s raw post lays bare her fury and resolve to divorce, unwilling to let her children grow up in a home tainted by hate. Her story grips us with its stark confrontation of family and identity.

Her discovery of her own mixed-race background only deepened the betrayal, as her husband’s ugly words targeted not just their daughter but her very identity. Though counseling was suggested, her mind is set on divorce to shield her twins from harm. Let’s explore her post, Reddit’s fiery reactions, and expert insights to unpack this gut-wrenching decision.

‘Divorcing My Husband Without Trying To Make It Work?’

My STBHX Eric (40M) and I (38F) were high school sweethearts, and we grew up in a small town where the majority of the population was white. Eric is white and while I am not a typical-looking white woman, I have enough features that I could be considered white-passing (I recently discovered I am mixed race, important later).

Eric and I got married after I graduated high school. I became pregnant when I was 26 and had fraternal twins (now 12) EJ (M) and Natalie (F). As the twins got older, EJ started to look like Eric (blonde hair albeit curly and fair skin), and Natalie started to look like me (dark wavy hair), but her skin would get darker like she had a permanent tan.

Eric and I were confused by this because no one in our families had a skin complexion like this. Eric became a cop after college. When the kids were 7, Eric got a chance for a promotion which moved us to the city. I started to notice that Eric would make prejudicial comments against certain communities of people that I would shrug off because they were not overtly offensive.

One of Eric’s co-workers noticed a picture of EJ and Natalie and asked if Natalie was adopted as she had African-American features and suggested that I might have had an affair after conceiving with Eric as it was possible that twins could be fathered by two different men.

This planted a seed of doubt. By the time the twins were 11, Eric couldn’t hold his doubt anymore and demanded a paternity test. He explained his doubt so I obliged. The test came back as Eric being Natalie’s father but he would act distant towards Natalie.

One day, I was using Eric’s phone because mine died to look for a recipe for dinner and came across a support forum where Eric was convinced I slept with a black man, was making awful comments about black people, and that I somehow altered the DNA test results. I was furious and confronted Eric.

He said there was no way Natalie could be his and demanded another DNA test. I agreed to prove him wrong and once the test came back, we contacted my parents because I was genuinely confused about where Natalie’s features came from because my parents were white.

After dancing around the topic, my mom confessed that my dad was not my real dad, and my real dad was bi-racial. After looking at an old picture, my dad looked white at first glance but the longer you looked at him, the more you could see his African-American side; I happened to not inherit those genes.

This seemed to appease Eric, but I could not forget the comments Eric made about black people and told him I wanted a divorce. He apologized and said he couldn’t understand at the time, but I told him it was disgusting that that was what he thought about that community.

And I refused to raise my children in an environment that fostered and normalized negative thoughts about any community. Eric and my parents tried to get me to rethink my decision and to go to counseling. I agreed to go to counseling, but I am not changing my mind about divorcing him.. EDIT: to clear up confusion

Discovering a spouse’s racist beliefs, especially directed at their own child, is a devastating blow, and this woman’s choice to divorce reflects her commitment to her children’s well-being. Her husband’s suspicion of infidelity, fueled by their daughter’s darker skin, and his hateful online rants reveal a deep-seated prejudice that counseling may not resolve. His actions distanced him from their daughter, causing emotional harm that’s hard to undo.

Psychologist Dr. Beverly Daniel Tatum explains, “Prejudice is learned and can be unlearned, but it requires active effort and self-reflection.” The husband’s refusal to confront his biases, even after two paternity tests, suggests a lack of willingness to change. His role as a cop adds urgency, as unchecked prejudice in authority figures can perpetuate harm beyond the family.

Divorce may be the safest path to protect the twins from internalized shame or division. The mother could seek therapy for herself and the children to navigate the fallout, fostering open discussions about their heritage. Co-parenting will require clear boundaries to ensure the father’s views don’t harm the kids further.

Heres what people had to say to OP:

Reddit erupted with support for the mother’s stance, condemning the husband’s racism and his failure to embrace his daughter. Many called his behavior unforgivable, accusing him of ruining precious years of parenthood with baseless doubts and hateful rhetoric.

Some highlighted the damage to the daughter’s self-esteem, urging divorce to shield both twins. Others noted the husband’s colleagues’ role in fueling his prejudice, painting a grim picture of his environment.

Chrisaladi2012 − I don’t think you’re wrong.

EggplantIll4927 − Can we backtrack to the fact that his coworkers told him he bet you cheated w a black man and had 2 babies w 2 different fathers? And your husband decided that yeah, you might just have cheated. Wtf? Step aside from the whole kid/race issue.

Your husband actually thought that you had not only cheated but had a medicAl rarity occur. So much so that he double downed on your ethics and decided not only were you a cheater but also so much a diabolical mastermind that you altered medical lab results.

Sister wow! You are such a strategist! /s. His career in the big city has changed him so much that you’re being of mixed race, your daughter favors you and now he is struggling w a mixed wife and child. Don’t doubt he’s also taking your inventory as a mixed woman and finding it lacking.

You can’t come back from this w/o an epiphany from him that he has become r**ist. That he is taking his racism out on your children and you. You would only be wrong for staying and subjecting your kids to his r**ist abusive behavior another minute.

How are your kids? Even though your daughter is the focus your son has the same background and has to be confused. You do what you need to do. Remind him actions have consequences.

Flipgirlnarie − Why is it that Eric's parents are trying to get you to change your mind yet not educating Eric on his ignorance and hateful attitude? This irks me. And no, you are not wrong. You are not only doing it for yourself but your children. And the fact that he had to have two paternity tests done is enough.

dublos − It sounds like you tried to make it work for your entire marriage so far.. You're allowed to be done.

roman1969 − YNW, your STBX is a r**ist, and God he’s a Cop, what could go wrong? You did try to make it work, FOR YEARS. While your Ex accused you of cheating, while he mistreated your daughter, while he continued to listen to his ignorant AH buddies.

FOR YEARS he’s had the opportunity to be a better husband and father but he chose not to be. He listened to a bunch of racists disparage his wife and family and now claims ‘he just didn’t know’. Well sorry, he had ample time to fix his ignorance and didn’t..

He had time to stand up for his wife and daughter and didn’t.. So you’ve already tried to work through this, even so far as getting not one but TWO DNA tests.. What has he done to change?. F**king nothing.

He ruined the experience of parenthood during those crucial years of childhood and has alienated his daughter. How do you come back from that? Boo for him. He can cry to his r**ist bigot friends while paying child support. There’s nothing left of the marriage to salvage.

kam49ers4ever − You’re absolutely not wrong on this. As your children get older, especially if your daughter (gosh, don’t know how to say it the right way) looks even darker, these words and probably actions on his part can do lasting damage for both of them.

Will he make your daughter feel lesser? Will he subtly teach your son h**red? Do the counseling for them because hopefully it will help get their dad a much needed wake up call to face his racism, but honestly divorcing him is the only real way to show your kids when they’re older that you don’t condone or enable those beliefs.

Substantial-Sir-9947 − Good for you! Amazing mother right here.

Peskypoints − Eric has already done damage to Natalie

RainBubbly6043 − You didn’t agree to marry a r**ist. He disrespected your child and you who are of African descent. Good for you for sticking to your guns. Divorce that man

tropicsandcaffeine − It sounds like divorce is the best option. Your soon to be ex sounds delusional.

This Reddit saga lays bare the pain of a marriage shattered by racism and a mother’s fierce resolve to protect her children. Her decision to divorce, despite pressure to reconcile, underscores the non-negotiable line of safeguarding her twins’ dignity.

How would you handle discovering a spouse’s prejudice against your own child? Share your thoughts, experiences, or advice below—let’s keep this vital conversation going!

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