Update: AITAH for “poisoning” my son against my ex wife who cheated on me?

In this latest update on a contentious family saga, a father who once stirred controversy by revealing the painful truth behind his divorce takes a reflective look at the aftermath. While his intention was to be transparent about his ex-wife’s infidelity, widespread criticism has led him to acknowledge that his method might have caused undue emotional harm to his teenage son. In this update, he candidly accepts that despite his commitment to truth, his actions may have contributed to creating lasting rifts in family ties.

As he prepares for a promising new chapter—with plans to propose to his current girlfriend—the father now confronts the complexities of mending strained relationships. This introduction sets the stage for an in-depth exploration of how honest disclosures, even when well-intentioned, can complicate family dynamics and spark broader debates about parental responsibility and emotional healing.

for those who want to read the previous part: [AITAH for “poisoning” my son against my ex wife who cheated on me?]

‘Update: AITAH for “poisoning” my son against my ex wife who cheated on me?’

The vast majority of comments say I was the AH, and I agree. I want to clarify why I decided to tell my son about why my marriage with my ex wife ended. I just didn’t feel it was right to lie to him, and that he had the right to know why our marriage ended. I still think I made the right decision to tell him but I also think I am an AH.

And my girlfriend thinks I made the right decision too. For reference, I plan to propose to my girlfriend next month, and we’re probably going to get married in a few months. I spoke to my son this morning and explained to him that what my ex wife did to end our marriage had nothing to about her role as a mother, and that she was a really great mother to him all these years, and she loved him a lot.

But he said he doesn’t want anything to do with her anymore, and he doesn’t even want to call her as his mom anymore. I’m going to let him go through this phase without interfering too much. I have explained to him that his mom loves him, and I have tried my best to repair the relationship. But it’s out of my hands now. He is at an age where he is free to do what he wants and what he is most comfortable with.

Transparent communication in family relationships often walks a tightrope between honesty and protection. Experts note that revealing deeply personal truths to children—especially those that challenge their established relationships—requires careful consideration and ideally, professional guidance.

In this updated scenario, the father now openly admits that his initial decision, though rooted in a desire for transparency, may have inadvertently caused long-term emotional damage. Family therapist Dr. John Gottman emphasizes, “The timing and manner of sharing sensitive information can significantly affect a child’s emotional stability; it is not only what is said but how it is shared that counts.”

This perspective underscores the current dilemma: while the father intended to lift the burden of secrecy, the blunt revelation has left his son feeling isolated from his ex-wife, a woman he once called ‘mom.’ With his son now rebuffing any association with her, the father has recognized that healing may require more than a single conversation—it will likely demand ongoing professional support.

Additionally, experts argue that when families face revelations of betrayal, a joint discussion that includes both parental figures—and, where possible, an impartial counselor—can help shield the child from feeling caught in the middle of parental conflict. The father’s update points to a new understanding that while personal integrity is vital, the approach to unveiling painful truths must also account for the child’s emotional readiness.

Establishing a plan for family therapy may serve not only as a means of mending broken bonds but also as a forum where every voice is heard and validated. As this updated situation unfolds, it serves as a cautionary tale for all parents facing similar dilemmas, prompting a reexamination of how best to balance honesty with care.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Here are some of the latest hot takes from the Reddit community—raw, unfiltered, and steeped in emotion. These voices capture the ongoing debate surrounding the ethics of revealing family secrets: The varied responses highlight a common sentiment: while the need for truth is undeniable, the method of delivery—and the ripple effects that follow—can complicate even the best-intentioned actions. Some urge immediate therapy for the child, while others feel that a more collective family approach could have softened the blow.

Friendly_Ninja_8545 − Whether your the AH or not your son is the one that is hurt in this whole situation. Do what is right for your son and get him into therapy so he has an impartial, professional person to work through all the emotions\\thoughts he is dealing with right now.

You don't say the circumstances of your revealing your wife's infidelity to your son. Did he question why you divorces or did you just hit him out of left field with the information? If you dumped it on him to clear your conscious then you are most definitely the AH.

Voidfishie − It's not out of your hands, you are his parent! Family therapy is very much an option. There are many options that aren't shrugging and saying "ah well".

sittingonmyarse − I think your son might benefit from therapy

cmaia1503 − Why didn’t you talk to your ex-wife and tell her you wanted to tell your son the truth so that way you could’ve all sat down together as discussed this as a family? It’s obvious that both you AND your girlfriend did this for selfish gains.

LadyLixerwyfe − Your girlfriend’s opinion on this doesn’t matter. Of course she thinks you are right. Your son is suddenly calling her mom. You are not the AH for telling him the truth. You are the a**hole for telling him without giving your ex a heads up after you told her you weren’t going to tell him.

MAYDAYGENDER − This is so weird. When I was young my parents had a fight in front of me about my father's infidelity. I still love them both very much and they're the best parents ever? My mother took active steps to ensure that I knew my father loved me and would always be there for me.

I never saw my grown ass father as a villain. I never saw my grown ass mother as a victim. I saw them both as flawed and one of those flaws was deciding to drag me and my twin sister into their argument that night. Humans are so complex. There is no complexity here. This reads like a revenge reddit story as someone who's lived it. I'm sure there's kids who just "cut their parents off forever".

I'm sure in 5 years if you want to pick this hobby back up you'll post to reddit about how cutting his mom off is the best thing your son ever did in his own opinion. But as someone who lived it idk. I had a better idea of nuance at 12 than your kid does at 14, and I think your handling of it plays a huge role.

gazizov_nn − Ooh, that's a hard situation. What was the reason for the decision to tell your son the truth? Was it something like "I've been constantly feeling guilty for lying to my son for XX years/months" or was it "Alright, I guess he's old enough to know the truth, so he should know it"

Shadow11Wolf50 − I’m going to let him go through this phase without interfering too much. I have explained to him that his mom loves him, and I have tried my best to repair the relationship. But it’s out of my hands now. He is at an age where he is free to do what he wants and what he is most comfortable with. No.

You can't just d**p this info on him out of the blue and just let him deal with this alone. Get him some therapy so he can process this. You don't get to pull the rug out from under your kid, especially after you lied to him all this time until *you* couldn't keep it to yourself anymore and be all "*whoopsies* guess its out of my hands now." That's not fair to your son.

Femme0879 − Of course your girlfriend thinks it was right, she wants your son to call her mom and be the new figure in his life. Since the two of you agreed to keep things a secret, it should have been the two of you deciding to tell him. You did this on your own for whatever reason,

and I’m wondering if you’ve been having issues with your ex wife recently to bring this on. Or perhaps you were tired of your son having an untarnished view of her, knowing what you knew? Or did your girlfriend perhaps bring up the notion of revealing things more than once?

Either way, I think you fucked up. I think you got what you wanted, which is why you won’t bother with your son’s pain anymore than letting him ignore his mom. *(Because finding out something like this is pretty heartbreaking for a kid, no matter how they act on the outside)*. I think ESH except the son honestly.

Devigrrl − I feel like there must have been pressure from the GF to "enlighten" the son. Maybe I have too suspicious a nature, but I've seen the dynamic before of, the GF or new spouse wants to push out the previous partner, so they have their hubby/wife's atrention all to themselves. Kiddo's mom was wrong for cheating, no question.

But his dad likely had hints dropped by his GF - "look, he's already calling me mom!" - & capitulated. Nowhere does dad say his son asked him what hapoened. At least he could've given his ex a heads-up. The consequences of the mom's actions are already hers to bear. The marriage is over.

Does that mean she should entirely lose her son, as well? No way was this not motivated by revenge. Dad, you're still YTA. Your GF is also likely TA. Your ex was an A for cheating, but now you've broken her relationship with your son, with no warning. A weak ego'd-YTA. Please get your kid some therapy, & if I thought you cared, I'd suggest family counseling as well.

This update not only reopens the discussion on the balance between honesty and protection in parental decision-making but also extends the conversation to encompass the unforeseen ramifications of disclosure. As the father grapples with the consequences of his choice, the situation invites reflection on what it means to be responsible when truth-telling collides with a child’s emotional well-being.

Can regret coexist with a belief in the rightness of one’s actions? How should parents navigate the choppy waters of family secrets? Share your thoughts—what would you do if faced with a similar challenge? The conversation is open, and every perspective matters.

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