WIBTA for telling my in-laws that we can’t afford a fancy restaurant and that we are not contributing to paying for the meal?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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In the midst of family celebrations, money can become an unspoken guest that disrupts the harmony of what should be a joyful occasion. The situation unfolds with a booked dinner at an upscale restaurant that exceeds the budget of one of the family members, igniting unexpected tension. The decision was made without discussion, leaving financial concerns unaddressed and causing a stir among everyone involved.

This narrative brings to light the delicate balance between family expectations and personal financial boundaries. Emotions run high as the affected party struggles with the reality of a single income and mounting bills. The story sets the stage for a deeper discussion about honesty, respect, and the importance of open communication in family planning.

‘WIBTA for telling my in-laws that we can’t afford a fancy restaurant and that we are not contributing to paying for the meal?’

My father-in-law's birthday is coming up and my partner received a message from his sister saying that she and MIL have booked a restaurant for FILs birthday. We were not asked about our opinions or price range or included in the discussion. Quickly looking at the restaurant information, I can see that they have a set menu and single price of about $120AUD per person, and that is excluding drinks.

Drinks are an additional $30 per person for a package or $15-20+ for a single small glass of wine (minimum some are apparently$60-90 per glass- not that I would order that)! We told my partner's sister that this is well out of our price range at the moment due to having a single income and a lot of unexpected bills.

She said she didn't care and to "work something out" as they have booked this restaurant and it is for their father's birthday. We have tried to tell MIL (we are not allowed to mention where we are going to FIL) that it is too expensive and we have just been brushed off and told that we are going and too bad.

Every person involved knows of our financial situation and went ahead and booked an expensive restaurant without speaking to us first-- we were just told. My partner is angry at his sister and thinks she is an inconsiderate AH. She thinks that we are being unreasonable AHs in our concerns about how expensive this meal will be (we pay less for our electricity!).

Letting your partner meet the family can feel like a monumental step in any relationship, especially when family gatherings involve high expectations. In this case, the dilemma is not just about celebrating a birthday but also about balancing financial realities with traditions. The incident highlights how a one-sided decision can leave some family members feeling marginalized and pressured into expenses they simply cannot afford.

The OP’s hesitation stems from a clear disconnect between the family’s celebration plans and the couple’s financial situation. When critical decisions are made without consultation, it reveals a lack of sensitivity to each member’s circumstances. This oversight places undue stress on the individual, who is forced to either stretch beyond their means or risk offending loved ones by declining the invitation.

According to relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, “It’s not the size of the bill, but the conversation it sparks that truly matters.” This insight, often cited in discussions about family and financial stress, underscores the importance of transparent communication. The situation at hand demonstrates how financial discussions—or the lack thereof—can significantly impact family relationships, creating a rift that extends well beyond the dinner table.

Ultimately, there are actionable steps that can help resolve such conflicts. Open dialogue is essential; each family member’s situation should be respected, and decisions involving shared expenses must be made collectively. Encouraging a frank conversation about budgets can mitigate misunderstandings and foster mutual respect. Practical solutions, such as opting for a more affordable venue or celebrating in alternative ways, should be considered to maintain the balance between familial obligations and personal limitations.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Here are some hot takes from the Reddit community – candid and humorous. These comments encapsulate a range of opinions on the financial predicament and family dynamics, reflecting the real-life frustrations and humor experienced by users when facing such situations: While these perspectives offer a snapshot of the community’s reaction, they remind us that personal finance and family expectations often collide, creating scenarios that are as challenging as they are relatable.

Apart-Ad-6518 − NTA. " we have just been brushed off and told that we are going and too bad". No. Not ok. They don't have the courtesy to involve you in the discussion, they don't call the shots about where you go.. "My partner is angry at his sister and thinks she is an inconsiderate AH.". He's right.

Maybe think about a nice gift within your budget for FIL or something the 3 of you could do to mark his birthday. I may be way wide of the mark here, but I wonder if FIL would be really upset about the way you & your partner are being railroaded/treated if he knew what MIL & SIL are pulling here.

sfzen − NTA. If you can't afford it, don't go. They booked an expensive place, so I can understand them not wanting you to not contribute if you went, but they also need to accept that if you can't afford to splurge on an expensive meal, they can't make you, and if they wanted you there they should have been more considerate of your situation. If uour FIL asks why you weren't there, tell them exactly how your MIL and SIL went about the whole thing.

mynameisnotsparta − 1. Send a message: Unfortunately our current economic situation doesn’t allow for expensive meals out. We are saddened that we will not be able to join you. 2. Take FIL out to an inexpensive lunch or bring him over and cook his favorite food. Give him a thoughtful inexpensive gift.. 3. If you aren’t there you’re not obligated to pay.. NTA - his sister and mother are selfish and insensitive.

disregardable − we are not allowed to mention where we are going to FIL. Yes you can. He probably cares more about having his son at dinner than which restaurant he eats at.

3Dog_Nitz − NTA! Even if you could easily afford it does not mean that this is how you would choose to spend your money. Stand firm on "NO!". Plan something your FIL would enjoy that fits your budget. Your SIL and MIL made the plans without you. They can go without you. How you respond to this will set the tone for the future, so make sure that your spine is pure titanium. Good luck!

Few-Afternoon-6276 − Nta. Don’t go. No ine controls your day and what you spend your money on. Let them have their dinner . Kindly say thank you for thinking g of us, however, we are going to decline the offer. Enjoy your evening and tap out! No argument. Just do t be pressured to spend money you don’t have on crap you don’t need to impress someone who probably would t like that idea of making g his son and dil suffer financially over a stupid dinner!

Truth_be_best − NTA. If you cannot afford to go either they pay or you bow out. No one has the right to tell you how to spend your money especially when they know your current circumstances. Buy FIL a nice gift instead

lemon_charlie − YWNBTA. This isn't a matter of personal opinion, it's the difference between essential costs and being cut off. You and your partner can do something else with his father for his birthday that's far more in your budget. The people who can afford it can go. You're not going, that's your "working something out". Tell SIL to watch The One with Five Steaks and and Eggplant, which addresses exactly the financial disparity she's ignoring.

tinyd71 − NTA for being honest about your financial situation and constraints. Since FIL doesn't even know about this plan, it wouldn't be problematic to change it. If the rest of the family insists on going to a venue you can't afford, they should either accept that you won't/can't attend, or help to pay for your share.

bkwormtricia − NTA. 1. Mail FIL a nice birthday card. Then Call or message him that "we cannot come to your celebratory dinner, hope you have a nice evening". Say goodbye and hang up or shut phone. 2. Tell (message) your siblings and MIL that you CANNOT afford to contribute to this dinner and will NOT be there.

Then block them on phone, text, delete emails without reading. Because there is nothing else to say or do, so why listen to their harangues? As for the "deal with it" comment - you ARE dealing with in, being responsible and not spending funds you cannot afford. And graciously letting the inlaws know you are thinking of them.

In conclusion, this story serves as a reminder that communication is key in any relationship—especially when money is involved. The conflict between personal financial boundaries and family expectations is not just about a dinner bill; it’s about respect, honesty, and understanding each other’s realities. How do you navigate situations when personal limitations clash with collective decisions? What would you do if you found yourself in a similar situation? Share your opinions and experiences below so we can learn from each other.

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