Am i wrong – Niece (26 F) wants me (49 F) to come to her collage graduation. I don’t want to go?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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The invitation landed like a pebble in still water, rippling through a decade of hard-won calm. A 49-year-old woman, her life now a sanctuary after years of healing from PTSD, traced her niece’s name on the college graduation invite with a trembling finger. Years ago, she’d been a haven for the girl, offering warmth to a child scarred by abuse and shuffled through adoption. But teenage defiance—cruel words and reckless choices—built a wall too high to climb.

Now, after ten years of silence, the niece’s gesture stirred a quiet storm. The woman’s heart, once open, now guarded, wrestled with memories of pain and the faint pull of hope. Reddit buzzed with perspectives, each comment a spark in her fog of doubt. Attending could mean a new chapter, but the cost felt steep. Her peace, so carefully rebuilt, hung in the balance.

‘Am i wrong – Niece (26 F) wants me (49 F) to come to her collage graduation. I don’t want to go?’

I’ve not spoken to my niece in almost 10 years. By my choice. 10 years ago I went through an extremely traumatic situation where I had to go into an inpatient therapy facility to recover. I was diagnosed with PTSD. And stopped talking to several family members during..

Simply because I had to focus on my healing and mental health. My niece is my brother’s daughter, and was removed from he and his wife’s care at the age of 2 because of their abuse, n**lect and d**g addiction. She was 2, and I was 19. I was there to take her for the weekends and give her as much love and care as I could,

she was adopted by a loving family and they allowed me continued connection and even let her stay with me over the years during summer breaks. As she became a teenager tho, she started doing very disrespectful things to me, she would speak about my husband in s**ually explicit ways, say horrible mean things to me, “why dose uncle John love you?

Your so fat.” (I was 8 months pregnant.) her adopted mother reported they caught her selling herself on Craig’s list and she was out of control and not going to school. They did therapy and even sent her to Utah to one of those extreme teen intervention programs.

She then returned and became pregnant, and got involved with rough people, and spent a short time in jail. It was at this time I was taking care of my own family and with the support of my family found my way to healing and learning new tools.

One which was I was not responsible for others happiness and recovery, I could just take care of my family and myself. I then went no contact with several toxic and unhealthy individuals in my family. My niece being one of them.

So fast forward to now. She is 26, and in school and working as a paralegal. She wants me, my sister and mother to come to her graduation. And see her and her daughter. And I’m scared. I don’t trust her, I have been so happy not having to deal with any contact and just want to keep it that way.. Am I wrong? Should I give her a chance?

Family ties can feel like a tightrope, balancing hope against history’s weight. The aunt’s reluctance is no surprise—her niece’s teenage cruelty left scars, deepened by her own PTSD recovery. Dr. John Gottman, a leading relationship expert, observes, “Trust is built in very small moments, which I call ‘sliding door’ moments”. For the aunt, those moments were broken, making this invitation a fragile bridge.

The niece’s early years—steeped in abuse, neglect, and addiction—likely fueled her lashing out. The National Child Traumatic Stress Network notes that 1 in 4 children who experience abuse show behavioral challenges. The aunt, protecting her mental health, drew a boundary to survive. Both were coping, but their paths split.

This dilemma mirrors a wider struggle: reconnecting after trauma. The aunt’s caution is self-preservation; the niece’s invite may signal growth. Gottman’s “bids for connection” frame the graduation as a chance to test trust, but safety comes first. A card or brief call could be a cautious step forward.

For the aunt, small gestures matter. An email or short message could reveal the niece’s intentions without risking her peace. Boundaries, like meeting in neutral spaces, can safeguard her calm. Healing doesn’t mean rushing in—it means moving at her pace.

See what others had to share with OP:

Reddit’s chorus weighed in with empathy and a dash of sass, offering a spectrum of takes. Some urged caution, suggesting a card or gift to honor the milestone without risking emotional upheaval.

Others saw the niece’s invite as an olive branch, proof of growth after a stormy youth. The consensus leaned toward prioritizing the aunt’s peace while leaving room for curiosity about the niece’s journey.

Heavy_Environment_59 − You gotta remember that her abusive past may have a part in her lashing out and acting awful. While it doesn’t excuse her behavior, it is a real factor. NTA- You don’t have to attend, just send a small gift. If it is too traumatic for you, don’t put her over yourself.

Mysterious-Bag-5283 − Not wrong just send her a card and stay home.

blueavole − You are not wrong. But your niece was a traumatized child who was being s**ually abused ( doesn’t matter if she signed herself up on Craig’s list- that is messed up for a teenager). Maybe try something simple as a phone call. You don’t have to use your real phone number even- get a google app number.

Some caution is warranted.. If she is still the same angry, cruel person then absolutely cut her off permanently. Maybe she has grown and healed. Do you want to miss out if she has grown into a functioning adult?. Nw whatever you decide.

Nenoshka − Send her a modest monetary gift and stay home.

MBBmom − It is possible she is not the same person she was 10 years ago. She has obviously had a traumatic life herself and to write her off when she was a teenager seems a little harsh to me. Lots of teenagers say hurtful things to people they love, even more so when they are victims of abuse and/or suffering from depression, anxiety, etc.

She is an adult now, and maybe this is her way to try to reconcile a relationship with you. That being said, it’s obviously your call whether you attend or not. An invitation to a graduation doesn’t exactly sound like a ploy to me though tbh.

Wisdomofpearl − You received an invitation, not a summons to appear, you don't have to attend. If you feel like it send a graduation card, but do what you feel is best for you. And it sounds like being NC has been working well for you, if you don't have an extremely good reason to change your NC then don't do it.

Shot_Western_2755 − Sounds like she went through some trauma as well She may have worked on herself and is in a better place and this is her way of extending an olive branch. Or she could still be just as much trouble as she was before. But either way I don’t think you would be wrong for not going

Daemon48 − You’re not wrong, but if she’s working as a paralegal & in school she might have done a lot of work on herself & matured a lot in those 10 years. I understand the caution you have because your last memories of her weren’t good, but I think this could be a good opportunities to test the waters to see shes truly changed with your own eyes & rebuild up to limited contact again & maybe a relationship later on

Ok_Educator_7097 − If she was rotten to you when she was a teen just remember, even teens with no trauma in their lives can be a pain. As one of the other commenters noted, you may be missing out on a great person that’s had to work hard to be in a great place. Having said that it’s entirely up to you.

ConfusedAt63 − Not wrong. You are not obligated to attend. You really don’t have a relationship so nothing should be expected of you. It doesn’t sound like you don’t have a grudge against her anymore just that you don’t really have a relationship. IMO you have nothing to feel bad about of you don’t go. At most a congratulations card would be all I would do, if I did anything. Good luck.

The aunt’s story is a delicate dance between guarding her heart and daring to hope. Each choice—attending, sending a card, or staying silent—carries the weight of her past and the promise of a new chapter. Family ties, frayed by time and pain, don’t mend overnight, but they can spark questions about forgiveness and second chances.

Have you faced a moment where you had to weigh reconnecting against protecting your peace? What guided your choice? Share your stories—how do you navigate the push and pull of family after years apart?

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