Am I Wrong: Husband asked daughter if she was insane, but said what I did was worse?

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In a bustling morning rush, a 7-year-old’s curious questions about hair brushes were met with her father’s sharp, “Are you insane?” Her mother, brushing her hair, swiftly stepped in, calmly telling him, “Do not speak to her like that.” But later, he argued her interruption in front of their daughter was worse than his words.

This Reddit story, echoing your concerns about family respect, like your sister’s boundary issues, dives into the weight of words and parenting choices. When does protecting a child clash with spousal unity?

‘Am I Wrong: Husband asked daughter if she was insane, but said what I did was worse?’

My daughter (7) and I were having a bit of a back and forth regarding the placement of multiple hair brushes in our house. (Reason being, brushes get moved and we have to hunt them down, so multiples are strategically placed).

She was asking thoughtful questions, but I, having already thought this out and being pressed for time to get her to school, was not providing her thorough answers, as I normally would. My husband came and said to her,

I went back to my discussion with daughter. Before leaving the house, I told my husband that our words matter and children will internalize those negative feelings. He said she knows he didn't mean it and that me interrupting him was worse for her to witness.. So, Reddit, am I wrong for admonishing my husband in front of my daughter?

ETA: I appreciate everyone's insight. I can see how my husband would interpret that I was undermining him in front of our daughter.. To address a couple of things that have come up in the comments: ● his tone could in no way be interpreted as sarcasm. His tone and mannerisms were that of angry annoyance. We know sarcasm, we use sarcasm, our daughter uses it, too. This was not sarcastic.

● I did not snap at him. I did not raise my voice. I spoke calmly, but sternly. What our daughter was doing was not wrong. I was actively brushing her hair while we were talking, so her questions were not taking up any additional

● it has come up a lot that many people are still affected by things their parents said to them as children, myself included. Which is why I wanted to stop him from making her feel stupid, when, again, she was doing nothing wrong. Thank you again to everyone that provided their input. My husband travels and I will be having a sit down talk with him, away from the children, when he is home.

Words sting, especially when aimed at a child. This mother’s quick defense of her 7-year-old daughter against her husband’s harsh “Are you insane?” was a stand for emotional safety. His claim that her interruption was worse reveals a focus on authority over empathy, a common parenting conflict. Her calm yet firm response modeled respect, but his dismissal risks undermining their daughter’s trust. This mirrors your struggles, like defending your boundaries against your mom’s oversteps, showing how words shape family bonds.

Harsh parental language can leave lasting scars. A 2020 study in Child Development found that negative verbal interactions can increase children’s risk of emotional insecurity, even if unintended (https://srcd.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/cdev.13388). The daughter’s thoughtful questions deserved patience, not criticism, and the mother’s intervention aligns with protecting her emotional growth.

Dr. Laura Markham, a parenting expert, notes, “Children internalize how parents speak to them, shaping their self-worth. Correcting a partner’s harshness in the moment teaches kids they’re valued” (https://www.ahaparenting.com/read/words-matter). The husband’s defensive reaction suggests a need for alignment on parenting values, ideally discussed privately to maintain a united front.

Advice: The mother should initiate a calm, private talk with her husband, emphasizing their daughter’s emotional needs and agreeing on respectful language. An apology from him to their daughter could rebuild trust.

Check out how the community responded:

Reddit didn’t hold back, serving up a mix of support and sharp insights that cut through the parenting drama. Here’s what the community had to say:

[Reddit User] − Seven year olds may not know the difference between an insult and sarcasm.. Those are the things that kids take with them.. YNW

Lodbrok590 − Well, for the little I get from your post:. If anything I think your daughter just witnessed her mother standing up to her and defending her. I may be interpreting wrong, but your husband was probably quite agressive, which is far from OK besides what he said.

TemperatureSad1825 − It’s good for your daughter to know you will fight for her and actually witness you standing up for her. It would be more traumatic for her if she saw you did nothing to help or defend her- if that were to happen she might grow to resent you in some way because she would internalize that you are not on her side and she won’t feel comfortable confiding in you because she’ll think you don’t care.

She’ll also think it’s ok to be treated like crap by guys and she’ll allow boyfriends to talk to her and treat her poorly and end up in awful relationships her whole life.. You did the right thing there! Keep doing that. Always make sure she understands what is wrong.

Poinsettia917 − YNW I still have bad memories of my dad acting like that, expecting me to handle it like an adult and not a young child. F that.

[Reddit User] − So, the dad is concerned about undermined authority while you're concerned over the feelings of your child. One is a power trip, and the other is empathy. Your husband needs to be told he's a d**k.. Feel free to tell him I said so. Signed Double-Mouse

coffeecoffeecoffeex − “Hey, I wanted to talk to you about how we handled this morning. I shouldn’t have snapped at daddy, especially when I wasn’t able to give you my full attention before then. Daddy and I talked about it, and we worked it out. But I was not wrong to say something. You deserve to be treated with respect, just as we teach you to treat others.

It’s not okay to speak to other people that way, and I will always say something, especially if someone isn’t respecting you. Everyone makes mistakes, and the important thing is learning. Daddy learned that he needs to think before he speaks, and you learned that grown ups are still learning, too.”

This is after your husband speaks to your daughter and apologizes like a grown up. He’s mad at you for snapping at him, when it sounds like he snapped at her second before. He needs to get over himself. Good on you for standing up for your daughter.

damagetwig − I aim to teach my daughter not only that her father and I are a team making mutual decisions about how we raise her but that I will stand up for her against anyone, even her father, when she's being treated poorly and he will do the same. All of us mess up and should be able to apologize and admit when we've wronged someone is another important thing for her to learn.

She's 9 now and we've both called each other out a time or two when things got tough (lock down stress, mental health issues, quitting nicotine). That's what your situation feels like to me. Even that united front isn't going to stop you protecting her when she needs it.

[Reddit User] − Just gonna say as a former child, I remember my father asking me if I was stupid because I spilled a can of paint while trying to help him paint my brothers room around the age of ten. I clearly remember thinking to myself “Stupid stupid stupid” I can vividly remember it, 20 years later. Just saying

IceBlue − In what world is interrupting him worse?

MofoMadame − Does he not want you to teach her to speak up to men? Or for her children?. He should chill and not jump into other folks conversations.

These takes are heartfelt, but do they miss the husband’s perspective? Is this just about empathy, or a deeper parenting divide?

This mother’s stand for her daughter reminds us that words can wound, especially when a child’s heart is at stake. Her husband’s focus on authority over empathy, much like your clashes with your brother’s controlling fiancée, highlights the challenge of balancing parenting and partnership. Was she right to call him out, or did it undermine him too much? What would you do when a loved one’s words hurt a child? Drop your thoughts below and let’s keep this conversation going!

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