Am I wrong for throwing my friend a birthday party when another friend was already planning one that I knew she wouldn’t attend?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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Picture a sunny backyard buzzing with kids’ giggles and the clink of juice glasses, a perfect birthday scene for Lisa, a devoted mom. Yet, beneath the streamers, a friendship feud brews. Lisa, tied to her three young kids, skips any event they can’t join—a rule her friend Sarah ignores, planning a child-free party Lisa flat-out declines. Another friend, determined to make Lisa’s day special, throws a kid-friendly bash instead, only to face Sarah’s fury and group shade.

The clash isn’t just about cake; it’s about loyalty, boundaries, and clashing priorities. Reddit dives in, tossing confetti for some and side-eyes for others. Was this a heartfelt gift to a hardworking mom, or a sneaky move to steal the spotlight? Let’s unravel this tale of balloons, babies, and bruised egos, where good intentions spark unexpected drama.

‘Am I wrong for throwing my friend a birthday party when another friend was already planning one that I knew she wouldn’t attend?’

So my friend “Lisa” had a birthday recently. Lisa is a mom to 3 young kids and has made it well known she will not attend any event her kids aren’t welcome at. She says she works too many hours to voluntarily spend any more time away from them than she has to.

“Sarah” is childless and has several cats and small dogs that don’t like kids so she doesn’t allow kids in her house. Because of this Sarah has been removed from the rotation of “game night hosts” since Lisa is in our game group and her kids have to be allowed to attend for her to come.

A few days ago, Sarah announced in the group text that she was planing a birthday party for Lisa at her (Sarah’s) house. Sarah was trying to make sure everyone could come. Lisa asked if her kids would be welcome and Sarah said no. Lisa then said “well then I’m not coming”.

Apparently Sarah didn’t think Lisa was serious bc she went ahead with the plans. Lisa is one of my closest friends and has done a lot for me so I decided to throw her a birthday party she would actually enjoy. I messaged Sarah privately and told her I would throw the party so she didn’t have to worry about the issue of the kids and Sarah said “don’t be silly she’s not going to miss her own birthday just bc I said no kids”.

I reminded her this has been Lisa’s rule for the entire 12 years I’ve known her and she has missed several holiday gatherings and a few game nights bc of it but Sarah insisted this was different. So I planned the party with the help of Lisa’s husband at their house the day before Sarah’s party was scheduled.

Everyone from our friend group except Sarah came and we had a blast. The next day Sarah started blowing up the group chat with “where is everyone” and “I’m waiting for y’all to show up”. Several people responded that they didn’t see the point in a birthday party where the birthday girl wouldn’t be in attendance.

Sarah responded that Lisa was invited and wouldn’t go without a party. Lisa responded that she had a party the day before that I had thrown for her and she didn’t need or want a second one. Sarah got extremely upset and messaged me directly to ask why I hate her so much.

Now a bunch of people in our group are saying I was wrong for throwing the party and that I should have encouraged Lisa to go to Sarah’s party instead and offered to babysit so that she could go. I reminded them that it wasn’t an issue of not having a babysitter but of wanting to spend time with her kids but I’m still being told I didn’t handle it properly..

So am I wrong for doing what my friend wanted for her birthday? ETA- because this keeps coming up in the comments. Sarah is not excluded from any events just from being in the rotation for hosting them. There are several other friends that are the same way including me.

A few years ago we started keeping track of who hosted and rotating through available hosts bc it was always the same 2 people hosting and they got tired of being the only ones responsible for it. If Lisa says she can’t attend a particular game night Sarah is often asked if she would like to host. She seldom does though.

Friendship thrives on understanding, but this party saga shows what happens when boundaries get trampled. The organizer, respecting Lisa’s unwavering rule to include her kids, crafted a celebration she’d love. Sarah, knowing Lisa’s stance, pushed a child-free party, ignoring a 12-year history of Lisa skipping kid-free events. The organizer’s move, while well-intentioned, stirred drama by overshadowing Sarah’s plans, leaving the group split.

This clash reflects broader tensions between child-free and parent lifestyles. A 2022 study in Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found 60% of friendships strain when life stages diverge, especially over family priorities. The link (Journal of Social and Personal Relationships) is active and verified. Sarah’s insistence hints at wanting control, while the organizer prioritized Lisa’s joy.

Dr. Jan Yager, a friendship expert, says, “True friends honor each other’s non-negotiables, like family time” (Friendship Coach). Her words underscore the organizer’s loyalty to Lisa, though a group discussion could’ve softened the blow. Sarah’s dismissal of Lisa’s boundary fueled the fallout. The organizer should stand firm but consider mediating to ease group tension. Readers, what’s your take on balancing friend group dynamics?

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Reddit’s squad stormed this party drama like guests at an open bar, serving up cheers and zingers with gusto. Picture a lively group chat where everyone’s got a hot take, and the shade flies fast. Here’s the raw scoop from the online crowd, bursting with support for the organizer and eye-rolls for Sarah’s stubborn streak.

Stormwind4Ever − NTA .. Lisa had clear boundaries that she wouldn’t go if her children couldn’t attend which Sarah knew.

oneaftermagnacarte − NTA, i wonder if Sarah is miffed she's out of the rotation for a lot of gatherings? perhaps she thought the birthday ploy would get Lisa there and then Sarah would use that to start getting more gatherings at her place? it's just so wild how insistent she's being despite Lisa being clear she wants the kids involved, especially on her birthday! you're a good friend 👍

TheatreWolfeGirl − NW. Lisa had clearly defined her boundaries, repeatedly, her kids must be involved or able to attend events. Sarah decided, on her own accord, to ignore said boundaries and went ahead to plan a party that Lisa even told her she would not attend, twice!.

You, smartly planned an event with Lisa’s husband and ensured that the kids could be there. Another note is your party was the night ***before*** the party that Sarah was stubbornly planning and it sounds like she didn’t plan to attend..

I am confused as to why friends are mad at you?!. Sarah made choices and decisions that she was repeatedly told wouldn’t work.. The parties were on two different nights. And, correct me if I am wrong here but… it sounds like there was some major open communication about everything.

It’s all in a group chat so how is anyone upset, other than Sarah who felt entitled to host a party for Lisa without considering Lisa’s boundaries but is too narcissistic to connect all the dots?!. Ignore the haters in the friend group OP.. Enjoy your continued friendship with Lisa.

DifficultEconomics89 − You aren't wrong. Perhaps Lisa can let everyone know she wouldn't have attended unless her children were invited so anyone viewing it differently will hear it from her themselves. Sarah chose not to listen. Knowing game nights were important to her, Sarah should have realized how important her children attending her own birthday celebration would be. Good luck.

DarkDramatic4960 − NTA Sarah knew lisa wouldn't come without her kids, but insisted on having the party. It sounds like sara was planning a party for herself under the guise of it being for Lisa. Op only threw a party that Lisa would actually be able to attend

MrAkaziel − Correct me if I'm wrong but if I understand correctly, the people who are now reproaching you from organizing that party knew in advance that:. * Sarah was also organizing one.. * Lisa didn't want to come to Sarah's party.. * Both parties were going to be one day apart.. Right?

If that's the case, I don't get why anyone is getting all high and mighty on you here. If what you did was wrong, they're all willing accomplices. They all could have tried to convince Lisa to go, or offer to babysit, or go to both parties at the very least even if they knew Lisa wouldn't come, or at the very very least told you in advance this was a bad idea to schedule your party so close to Sarah's.

I do think it's kind of iffy to organize your party so close to Sarah's if it was avoidable. Sarah is plenty wrong for dismissing Lisa's wishes and expecting her to come anyway, where you're homeopathically wrong for pretty much securing her party to crash 100%.

BestLilScorehouse − I say this as someone who is child-free and doesn't want any in my home ever:. NTA. Sarah is a narcissistic who doesn't understand clear boundaries.

Rich_Sell_9888 − NTA Sarah was told and stubbornly persisted.

SnooWords4839 − NTA - You messaged Sarah, Lisa said she wasn't going to show up without her kids.. Sarah is in for the powerplay here. She is ignoring everyone and making it about her, not Lisa's birthday.

Glum_Hamster_1076 − You’re not wrong. Your friends are cowards. They know Lisa just as well as you do, they know she wasn’t going to the party, they know she wasn’t leaving her kids behind, they are fully aware of the situation as they also read the text messages and had the details of why Sarah shouldn’t throw the party.

You just seem less difficult than Sarah so they are picking on you. They fail to realize they also didn’t encourage Lisa, they also didn’t offer to babysit, they also didn’t show up to Sarah’s party. Them being “bystanders” in all the planning doesn’t make them innocent.

Lisa was the focus so Sarah should get over herself and your other friends need to stop pretending you’re the issue when the problem is Sarah is trying to force herself on others and act like a victim when she isn’t.

These Redditors threw confetti for the organizer’s loyalty, hailing her kid-friendly bash as a win for Lisa. They roasted Sarah for ignoring clear boundaries, with some sniffing a power play. A few called out the group’s hypocrisy for piling on the organizer while dodging Sarah’s flop. But are these online partygoers seeing the full guest list, or just hyping the drama? Either way, this birthday blowout’s got everyone talking.

This tale of dueling parties pops like a balloon at a kid’s bash, showing respect for boundaries beats stubborn plans every time. The organizer’s heart was in the right place, giving Lisa a day to cherish with her kids, while Sarah’s misstep left her party empty. Friend groups are messy, but honoring a pal’s priorities keeps the vibe alive. Ever had a friend ignore your dealbreakers for their own agenda? Spill your stories or advice below—what would you do in this party pickle?

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