Am I wrong for NOT trying to talk my DIL into breastfeeding?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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Imagine a cozy family chat, filled with excitement over a new baby on the way, when a casual comment about bottle-feeding shifts the mood. For one mother-in-law, a seasoned childbirth and breastfeeding educator, her daughter-in-law’s decision to skip breastfeeding could have been a moment to share her expertise. Instead, she nodded, smiled, and offered tips on the best formula brands, keeping her opinions to herself. But when a trusted friend later questioned her restraint, doubt crept in—did she miss a chance to guide, or was silence the ultimate act of respect?

This Reddit story captures the delicate dance of family dynamics, where personal beliefs and boundaries collide. The MIL’s choice to support her DIL’s decision without pushing her own agenda has Redditors applauding, but the friend’s surprise adds a twist. Let’s dive into this heartwarming tale of respect, restraint, and the power of listening.

‘Am I wrong for NOT trying to talk my DIL into breastfeeding?’

One of my DILs is expecting a baby in spring. I’m understandably excited and happy. Relevant to my question is the fact that I used to teach childbirth, parenting, and breastfeeding classes. I also nursed all my own kids. I am a proponent of breastfeeding if that’s what a mother wants to do.

So when we were talking she mentioned she was going to bottle feed. I just nodded and talked about the best places to get formula. Someone I respect very much later asked me why I didn’t try to talk her into breastfeeding. But she wasn’t asking me for information or advice, just letting me know what she’s decided.

So I really felt it was not appropriate to give an opinion. It isn’t my decision. If she’d wanted info I would have been happy to give it. But it isn’t my decision to make. So was I wrong to not at least bring it up? I really believe that if mom is happy with the feeding method that is what’s important. But now I’m second guessing myself..

Edit: spelling. Edit #2: she knows what I used to teach. I’ve shared some funny stories. Kind of update: first I wanted to say my friend was NOT being intrusive. I called her to tell her there was a new grandbaby on the way. She laughed and joked that at least they had someone close at hand for advice on pregnancy and childbirth and breastfeeding.

I said something like I’d be happy to advise if asked but she as bottle feeding so my breastfeeding expertise was not needed. My friend asked if I’d delved into that. She knows I’m a breastfeeding, cloth diaper, natural childbirth kind of mom. I said no, it didn’t feel like a moment to do that.

It was her surprise that made me wonder if I should have. For the record this friend is happily childfree and has no dog in this hunt. 😆 It’s very early days in the pregnancy yet and my DIL MIGHT have questions down the road. She might not. No matter what, I’m in HER corner.

Navigating family roles during pregnancy can feel like tiptoeing through a minefield, especially when personal expertise meets differing choices. This MIL’s decision to respect her DIL’s bottle-feeding plan, despite her breastfeeding background, showcases a rare blend of humility and restraint. Her DIL’s clear choice wasn’t an invitation for debate, and by honoring it, the MIL likely strengthened their bond.

Dr. Amy Tuteur, an obstetrician and author, notes, “The best feeding choice is the one that works for the mother and baby, not the one that fits someone else’s ideals” . Here, the MIL’s silence aligns with Tuteur’s view: prioritizing the mother’s comfort over external pressures. Pushing breastfeeding could have strained their relationship, especially since the DIL knew the MIL’s expertise.

A 2022 study in Maternal and Child Nutrition found that unsolicited advice on infant feeding often increases maternal stress (Wiley Online Library). The MIL’s restraint avoided this pitfall, fostering trust. For others in similar spots, offering support—like sharing resources only when asked—keeps the door open for future talks.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Reddit loves a story about family done right, and this MIL’s respectful approach got the community buzzing with praise. Here’s a taste of their reactions, served with a dash of humor and heart.

BestLilScorehouse − You are not wrong. Good for you for not inserting yourself or challenging her. That's a level of restraint that most experts and most mothers-in-law don't possess. The fact that you are both and held it together is impressive.. She *may* come to you for advice at some point, but she may not.

Salt_Tooth2894 − It is extremely unlikely that your DIL doesn't know about breastfeeding and the potential benefits thereof. She made a decision and you respected it. You are not wrong at all, and have likely helped build trust with your DIL down the line (assuming she knows your history). If she sees that she can rely on you not to push her on something she suspects you feel strongly about, that will make her more likely to come to you for advice in the future.

lapsteelguitar − You said nothing because you were actually paying attention to your DIL. Good for you.. As for the nosy neighbor, F them.

thumb_of_justice − you're a dream MIL, truly. You're entirely right. She knows your stance and can ask you if she has questions.

[Reddit User] − I’m unmarried and typically hear horror stories of overbearing MILs. I pray for a MIL like you in my future! This was handled so respectfully. And although you have plenty of knowledge / experience on the subject, you didn’t shove in down her throat. You get an A++ from me 👏🏻

utter-ridiculousness − You’re being a great MIL!

RicoRN2017 − Not wrong. This is very personal and emotional issue. Quite certain she is aware of benefits and has heard from plenty of others.

Green_Seat8152 − My ex mil also worked with new moms doing the same as you. She didn't force anything on me. She answered my questions and helped throughout the pregnancy. You did great by your DIL. Keep it up. Be a support person.

YogurtclosetOk4366 − I think that was great and thank you. The hospital my wife gave birth at pushed b**ast feeding. Had a consultant and support groups. It was basically if you don't youre are a horrible mother. My wife couldn't produce enough and with this type of support led her to serious postpartum. She still has some issues with it years later.

makingitrein − You are not wrong at all, you sound like a respectful MIL and it sounds like you heard her wishes and gave advice based on those wishes.

These Reddit takes are full of cheers, but do they capture the full nuance of this family moment? Or are they just basking in the MIL’s glow?

This tale of a MIL choosing silence over sermonizing shows how respect can build stronger family ties than unsolicited advice. By supporting her DIL’s bottle-feeding decision, she put trust first, even if it meant second-guessing herself later. Can this approach inspire other families to listen more and lecture less? Have you ever held back your expertise to honor someone’s choice? Drop your stories and insights below—let’s keep this heartfelt conversation going!

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