Am I wrong for not stopping my yearly tradition of going on a week long vacation with my lesbian best friend after my wife cheated on me 7 years ago?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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A road trip tradition born from heartbreak has hit a rough patch. Seven years after his wife’s affair, a man’s annual week-long getaway with his lesbian best friend is under scrutiny, with his wife questioning if it’s punishment or too close for comfort.

This isn’t just about a vacation; it’s a tangle of trust, friendship, and healing. His story takes us on a journey through past wounds and present bonds, leaving us wondering how to balance love and loyalty.

‘Am I wrong for not stopping my yearly tradition of going on a week long vacation with my lesbian best friend after my wife cheated on me 7 years ago?’

My wife and I have been married for 12 years and together for 15. 7 years ago, my wife had a physical affair which lasted a couple of weeks. At that point in time, I did seriously consider divorce, but we had 3 children, so the decision was not easy. Our children loved us both, and it would have been traumatizing for them to live in a broken family at such a young age.

I ultimately decided to stay with my wife, because she really did seem remorseful, and was willing to do any steps of reconciliation I had asked for. I told my wife I deserved a week long vacation with my best friend Sophie, to take my mind away from all this, and my wife instantly agreed. For context, Sophie and I have been friends for decades.

We met in middle school, and we have been close friends since. Sophie came out as lesbian in college. When I asked Sophie about the week long trip, she was instantly down to do it. We barely spent any money on trip, it was pretty much a road trip, with occasional stops at hotels.

It was really therapeutic and bought back good memories, because Sophie and I used to take a lot of these detours in high school and college in broken down cars. When I came back from the trip, I was refreshed. I thanked my wife for taking care of our kids, and told her she too deserved to take a week long trip with her friends.

My wife took the trip with her friends later that year. We have been keeping this tradition for past 7 years. A couple nights ago, my wife asked if I could take the trip with someone other than Sophie. She was worried I was building emotional intimacy with Sophie.

I told my wife of course I have an emotional connection with Sophie, I have an emotional connection with all my friends. And I asked my wife why exactly was she worried about Sophie, Sophie is literally a lesbian, and Sophie and I interact like siblings. Last night, my wife asked if what I was doing was punishment for what she did 7 years ago.

I told my wife no, it never was a punishment. It initially started as me needing a mental health break from the shock of her affair, but it is way more than that now and it is like a ritual between Sophie and me. Sophie literally got a tattoo on her thigh last year which was about our yearly ritual trip.. Am I wrong for not wanting to stop this tradition?

A week-long trip with a best friend shouldn’t spark marital drama, but this one carries baggage from a seven-year-old affair. The husband’s tradition with Sophie, rooted in post-betrayal healing, is a lifeline to normalcy, not a jab at his wife.

Her sudden concern about “emotional intimacy” suggests insecurity, possibly projecting her guilt or fearing displacement. His point—Sophie’s lesbian identity and sibling-like bond—holds, but dismissing his wife’s feelings risks a rift.

Marriages post-infidelity often wobble: a 2022 Journal of Marriage and Family study found 30% of couples cite lingering trust issues years later. Here, the wife’s unease might stem from seeing Sophie’s tattooed commitment to their ritual—a bond she may feel she can’t match.

Therapist Dr. Esther Perel says, “Rebuilding trust means addressing insecurities openly, not sidestepping them” (. His “it’s not punishment” stance is honest but misses her need for reassurance.

A couples’ therapist could help them unpack her fears and affirm his platonic bond. Planning a special trip with his wife could balance things, showing she’s his priority. Readers, post-affair healing needs open talks—what’s one way you’d rebuild trust in a marriage?

Heres what people had to say to OP:

Reddit largely backed the husband, seeing his wife’s concerns as guilt-driven or insecure, not justified. They praised his friendship with Sophie as wholesome, dismissing jealousy given her lesbian identity. Some questioned the marriage’s health, wondering if he’s fully invested or just staying for the kids, and urged better communication to address her fears.

FinancialCamel7281 − Nta but am curious why your wife thinks it's emotional, makes me wonder if she is projecting.

sneezhousing − Not wrong that's her own guilt she needs to work through.

NearbyCow6885 − Question: do you and your wife do anything together? Like, is your wife your best friend and are you her best friend? You stayed with her last time “for the kids” but maybe it’s time now to reevaluate whether you actually like your wife or you’re just comfortable with how things are.

morbidnerd − INFO:. Do you have the same deep emotional connection with your wife as you do with Sophie?. I don't think it's projecting, but I think she's jealous of the connection you have with your friend.

Giddyup_1998 − I have never understood why men & women can't be friends. My best friends are all men. I'm not gay and neither are they, but there's never been anything s**ual between any of us. We're just mates.. No, you're not wrong. Good friendships are hard to find these days.

Motor_Bill_6147 − No, but it sounds like your wife is feeling insecure. Maybe start with asking what she's concerned about and listen to her feelings. Let her speak about her insecurities and her concerns. Have the open conversation with her and make sure she feels heard and that you respect her feelings.. I guarantee you it'll better your relationship

Civil_Confidence5844 − Sounds like this entire time your wife has thought this was her deserved punishment, but never would've actually been okay with it had she not cheated.. I think the two of you need to really communicate. Maybe couples therapy?

Rex_Gear − I'll probably get down voted for my thought process here but this is just one perspective I've thought of. Out the gate, cheating is wrong, and in my opinion it's one of the most evil things a spouse can do in a relationship. I would never take back a spouse of mine that did such a thing.

Having said that... You did decide to continue the relationship and in my eyes if a spouse cheats on you and you decide to continue said relationship, you either need to treat that relationship as you would prior to the cheating, or move on.

My understanding is that you didn't start taking these yearly trips with your friend until after the dirty deed was done. I'm absolutely not defending her, only trying to gauge her viewpoint with the little information we have, but maybe she feels like these yearly trips are just a reminder about the wrongdoing she did.

I would ask, do you two take trips together like you and your friend do? How is the romance department in your day to day with your wife? Generally speaking, how well do you two communicate with each other? I ask these questions because as I said earlier if you two don't have a great relationship right now, then what are you doing in this relationship?

Are you committed to sticking it out with her, or is it purely just for your children? In my view a relationship should be a happy and fulfilling one and going through the motions just for the children's sake is only doing more damage in the long run. I could be completely wrong as I'm making some assumptions here, but that is why I ask the questions that I have.

holliday_doc_1995 − OP when you say you have kept this tradition for 7 years do you mean you have kept the tradition of vacationing with Sophie for 7 years or both you and your wife have kept the tradition of each doing a weeklong trip for 7 years?

theladyorchid − Have you considered making an emotional connection w your wife?

This vacation saga isn’t about a road trip—it’s about trust’s long shadow. His commitment to a friendship ritual doesn’t negate his marriage, but his wife’s doubts signal unmet needs.

As they navigate this fork in the road, it’s a reminder that healing requires both heart and honesty. How do you balance friendship and marriage? Share your take—what’s your roadmap for trust?

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