Am I wrong for leaving my gf in a bar after I found out she spoke to her ex and didn’t tell me?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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A lively night at a bar, filled with laughter and shared drinks, took a sharp turn for a 21-year-old man and his girlfriend. Their carefree vibe shattered when her ex walked in, unraveling a hidden truth: she’d been texting and talking to him for days without a word to her boyfriend. What started as a fun evening spiraled into a raw confrontation about trust and boundaries.

This isn’t just about a night gone wrong. It’s a gripping tale of love tested by past wounds and unspoken secrets, resonating with anyone who’s navigated trust in a relationship. The man’s Reddit story, raw and relatable, captures the sting of betrayal and the struggle to balance empathy with self-respect.

‘Am I wrong for leaving my gf in a bar after I found out she spoke to her ex and didn’t tell me?’

My gf says that her ex traumatised her, and left her with a lot of trust issues because of his infidelity and the way she found out. He had been sleeping with multiple other people, and she only found out when one of the girls reached out to her. He then ended up in a relationship with the girl who had reached out to her, the day after they broke up.

Because of this I’ve had to deal with a lot of trust issues. Because of this we haven’t had s** despite being together for 5 months, as she wants to know I’m not just with her for that and wants to be really careful about who she sleeps with. I have also willingly let her go through my phone multiple times, just to reassure her.

Sometimes she doesn’t even ask I just offer when I can tell she’s worrying because I have nothing to hide and I want her to feel secure.). *story* I (21m) was out in a bar with my gf (22f) and having a good time, we are mid conversation but then out of nowhere she gets all weird and distracted.

I ask her whats wrong and she says her ex just walked in. I ask her if she wants to leave. She says no she wants to see what he’s doing in the area as he is alone and lives like 30 miles away from here. He stands at the bar, and we watch him for a few minutes.

I’m about to ask her if we can stop watching him, when a girl walks in and goes up and they hug, and order a drinks. They then like link arms and walk to a table round the corner. My gf looks distraught and like she’s going to start crying. I ask her if she’s okay or if she is getting triggered and she says she’s fine.

I ask if that is one of the girls he cheated with and she says it isn’t. We sit there and it’s awkward, for about 5 minutes, then my gf says she wants to go and talk to him. I say there’s no point and to leave the past in the past. She just keeps saying I don’t understand.

I get a bit frustrated and ask what is there to understand, and she just gets angry and goes on a rant about how he’s full of s**t etc etc etc. I’m like yeah well you knew that, and then she says, well he was saying he only wanted me and all this stuff and here he is with someone else.

I’m confused and say that she can’t expect him to stay single forever after their break up, and even she has moved on. That’s when she says that he was saying this to her earlier that week. This is like a gut punch, and I ask what the f**k she means.

She then tells me that he had messaged her on instagram, asking for another chance, but she said no. I ask why she didn’t tell me and she says because she said no, and it wasn’t important. I ask to see the messages and she says no and starts going on about privacy etc.

I remind her that she has gone through my phone multiple times, and that I want to see. She says no again. I say if she doesn’t show me I’ll assume the worse and she reluctantly gives me her phone.

I read their messages, and it is sort of like she says, except they were talking for hours over the course of like 3 days, and even had two phone calls which were over half an hour long each. He tells her that he broke up with the girl he had cheated with because he wanted her back.

She keeps saying no, that it’s too late and that she has a boyfriend but for some reason the conversation doesn’t end. They just go on and on. He’s telling her about how he left his “toxic job” where the girls “always spoke bad about her”, how he “cut off all his friends who said she was no good for him” etc.

She is saying she doesn’t believe him and that she can’t trust him. The last few messages is one of the calls, which is a 37 minute call over instagram. After that call he says “I’ll leave you alone now. It was so nice hearing your voice again, and I want you to know I’m serious.

I don’t want anyone but you. I understand you’re not in a place where you want to try again right now. But just know I’ll wait as long as it takes. If you need anything just call me”. She just replies saying “Thank you”.

I screenshot the convo and send it to myself, because I want to go back over it when I’m not drunk. I ask my gf why she didn’t tell me and she just says again it wasn’t a big deal. I said to her that it seems like a big deal considering they were talking for hours and having long phone calls.

She says that she was just seeking closure, and finally standing up for herself, as she didn’t get to in the relationship. I ask why the conversation had to span multiple days and hours and she says “because there was a lot to talk about”.

I ask her what was said on the phone calls and she says just the same as the texts. She says “there’s no way you’re mad about this” and I just got up and just walked off and she didn’t follow me she just let me go. I called an uber home, and left her at the bar.

She blew up at me for “abandoning her” and says she thought I just needed to cool off. We have been arguing since the weekend about this. She says it’s unsafe and reckless to leave a girl drunk alone in a bar at night, and that I’m overreacting. I say she lied to me, and she says she didn’t lie, she just didn’t think I’d care. Am I wrong here?

The OP’s dropped an update on the saga—curious? Click here to check it out!

This bar drama lays bare the fragile dance of trust in relationships. The man, reeling from his girlfriend’s undisclosed chats with her ex, feels betrayed, especially given her past trauma from that ex’s infidelity.

Her reluctance to share the messages, despite checking his phone regularly, fuels his distrust. She seeks closure, but her secrecy and lengthy exchanges blur the line between healing and disloyalty.

Trust issues often stem from mismatched expectations. The girlfriend’s trauma may drive her need for closure, but hiding the contact undermines transparency. Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert, notes, “Trust is built through consistent, open communication.” Her failure to disclose the talks, paired with defensiveness, erodes that foundation.

For couples in similar binds, setting clear boundaries about ex-contact early on is key. The man’s exit from the bar, though impulsive, reflects his need for clarity.

Check out how the community responded:

The Reddit community largely supports the man’s reaction, viewing his girlfriend’s hidden communication with her ex as a breach of trust. Many argue that her lengthy chats and phone calls, despite rejecting her ex, suggest she’s not fully over him, which undermines her current relationship.

Commenters note her hypocrisy in checking the man’s phone while guarding her own, urging him to prioritize his self-respect. Some express concern about her staying at the bar, but most agree her secrecy was the bigger issue, suggesting she may not be ready for a committed relationship.

mlhigg1973 − Your girlfriend seems unprepared for a committed relationship. Her actions suggest she’s still processing her past.

NoSpankingAllowed − She appears emotionally tied to her ex. You made a reasonable choice to leave, as her long talks don’t seem like closure.

t27lyne − You’re not wrong. She likely hid the contact knowing it would upset you, which shows she’s not ready for a new relationship.

ketchup788 − Her hesitation to share the messages raises red flags. It’s understandable to question why she’s still engaging with him.

fzooey78 − Leaving the bar was risky, but her secrecy and double standards are concerning. She needs to address her trust issues.

Certain_Category1926 − [Removed; typo-laden and unclear.]

[Reddit User] − You’re justified. Her checking your phone but refusing to show hers is inconsistent, and her focus on her ex is troubling.

noreplyatall817 − Her staying at the bar suggests her priorities. The extended talks with her ex indicate she’s not fully committed.

ReflectionBroad4009 − Her actions show a lack of transparency. You deserve a partner who respects your trust.

TonightIsNotForSale − Her ongoing contact with her ex is concerning. It’s worth reevaluating if this relationship meets your needs.

This bar saga underscores how trust can crumble when secrets surface. The man’s walkout, fueled by hurt, highlights the challenge of balancing empathy for a partner’s past with self-respect. It’s a universal struggle—navigating love amid lingering shadows. How do you handle trust breaches in relationships? Share your stories below and let’s unpack the messy, real world of love and loyalty!

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