Am I wrong for divorcing my ex-wife over kids and now refusing to be a part of her son’s life?

In a quaint coffee shop, the aroma of fresh brews mingled with the sting of unresolved history as a man faced his ex-wife after nearly two decades. Their marriage ended when he chose a child-free future, freeing her to chase her dream of motherhood. Now, with a fiancée by his side and a life built on his terms, her sudden plea for him to step into her son’s life blindsided him, rekindling old tensions and family judgment.

The audacity of her request—paired with her attempt to rekindle romance—left him rattled, while his family’s blame added salt to the wound. Was he wrong to prioritize his happiness, or is this a case of expectations clashing with reality? This Reddit tale pulls us into a whirlwind of personal choice, lingering love, and the weight of familial duty, begging the question: where do boundaries begin?

‘Am I wrong for divorcing my ex-wife over kids and now refusing to be a part of her son’s life?’

I want to preface this by saying that I have no intentions of getting back with my ex and I’m in a very happy relationship with my now fiancée. And I’m sorry this is long, I just wanted to add all the context in and I’m not the best with words. I (46m) married my ex-wife (45f) when we were 26 and 25 respectively.

At that time, we were both on the fence about having kids. I knew since college that I wanted to retire early, and my dream of having financial freedom was what really made me realize that kids didn’t fit into the life I wanted. I was trying to find the right time to talk with her about it, but over the next few weeks, she started dropping hints that she wanted kids.

She started showing me photos of her friends’ kids, commenting on our nieces and nephews, joking about her getting/being pregnant (that one freaked me out), and even bought me a book on the joys of fatherhood that she “thought I’d find interesting”. I sat her down and asked her if she wanted kids, and she admitted that over the years she had grown to want a family.

We had a conversation about it and I realized that neither one of us was going to change our minds. I didn’t want to keep her from what she wanted in life, so I brought up divorce. She really didn’t want to divorce, and kept trying to get me to want kids, but I stuck to what I wanted and we ended up separating. I obviously still loved her, but that’s why I wanted to divorce.

We were still young and she could find someone to have the family she wants with. I didn’t want her to resent me for forcing my life choices onto her. Even after I filed for divorce, she still didn’t agree with me and dragged it out as long as she could, so the divorce took almost 2 years.

I dated over the years, but never really found someone that I could see myself sharing the rest of my life with until I met my now fiancée 4 years ago. Apparently, my ex-wife struggled with dating as well and hasn’t remarried yet. She has a son, but the kid’s dad isn’t in the picture. She recently reached out to me and asked if we could meet to catch up.

I talked with my fiancée about it and she thought it’d be a great way to clear up any bad blood between us, so I agreed to meet up with her for coffee. Things seemed to be going well until she brought up her son. She asked me if I was willing to be a part of his life as a “masculine influence”, and I told her I was glad that she was able to have a child, but that it still wasn’t something I was interested in.

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She tried to change my mind by saying that we could be a family again. She kept trying to convince me, and I kept trying to change the subject. I admit I got frustrated because things weren’t going as I hoped they would, and I told her that I was happy with *my fiancée’s name* and that I was not interested in her. She started to insult my fiancée so I left.

I thought what happened was crazy. When I agreed to meet with her, it never even occurred to me that she might want to get back together considering how long it’s been and, you know, I’m not single. She kept messaging me, so I blocked her, and I don’t plan on talking with her again.

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I was talking with my sister and her husband about it, and they said that while I’m totally right for rejecting her now, that it was an ah move on my part to divorce her in the first place and that I was now being an ah again by not being a part of her kid’s life. They both agreed that my ex was right for wanting to work it out.

They said it’s my fault that her child doesn’t have a father and that if I had given having kids a chance, I would have changed my mind. I just don’t agree that kids are something one should “compromise” on. I just don’t see how it’s possible for it to not be a bad situation for everyone involved that breeds resentment.

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I don’t know my ex’s child at all, and I don’t agree that it’s my responsibility to step up just because his bio dad didn’t. I asked some other friends and family, and they agreed with my sister, so now I’m not sure if what I did was wrong or not and I was just wrongly justifying it to myself.

The OP’s dropped an update on the saga—curious? Click here to check it out!

This saga of divorce and rejected reconciliation highlights the thorny terrain of irreconcilable life goals. The man’s decision to divorce over kids was pragmatic, yet his ex-wife’s attempt to pull him into her son’s life smacks of unresolved feelings. His firm refusal, while honest, has sparked family criticism, revealing a clash of values.

Dr. Susan Heitler, a clinical psychologist, states, “Core differences, like whether to have children, are non-negotiable in relationships” (Psychology Today). The man’s choice to divorce respected both their desires, but his ex’s push for involvement suggests she’s grappling with her own regrets. Her son’s lack of a father isn’t his burden—yet family pressure reflects a cultural bias toward traditional roles.

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Studies show 30% of divorces stem from disagreements over children (Journal of Marriage and Family, 2023). The ex’s romantic overtures, rebuffed by his loyalty to his fiancée, complicate her request. He should maintain no contact to protect his peace, perhaps explaining his stance calmly to family to quell their judgment. Readers, have you faced pressure to fulfill others’ expectations?

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Reddit’s take on this drama is a fiery mix of outrage and support, served with a side of snark. From calling out the ex’s audacity to roasting the family’s logic, these comments don’t hold back. Dive into the chaos!

RoadNo9352 − Damn people give me headaches. So it is your fault that she has no father figure in HER sons life because you divorced her before he was conceived WITH someone else. Because you didn't want kids. That makes perfect sense if you are a moron. It sounds like she is as well as your sister and her husband.

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Not your wife, not your kid, not your life, not your problem. You should suggest that your BIL fill the role as you go low contact with them and no contact with the ex.. Oops, I forgot to say you are not wrong.. EDITED to add last sentence.

ma_1910 − You weren't wrong for getting divorced, you wanted different things. You didn't want children and she did, there's no way you can stay married when that happens. I think she may have regretted the decisions she made in the past, but there's no way she can go back in time. If I were you I would block her and go no contact. Nothing good will come from you having contact with her

heathelee73 − Not wrong. You did the right thing in divorcing over having very different expectations for your lives. If you divorced her over you Not wanting kids, I can't understand why she would think that you would want to or be willing to fill a fatherly type role with the kid she did end up having with someone else.. Your sister and BIL are nuts.. Kids are not something to compromise on. They are a 2 yes, 1 no situation.

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Humble_Pen_7216 − NW at all. Your sister... it was an ah move on my part to divorce her in the first place and that I was now being an ah again by not being a part of her kid’s life. This is so wrong .... You were 100% right to divorce. She wanted kids, you don't. That is an extremely good reason to end a relationship.

As for now, nothing has changed. Even if you were single, you still don't want to be a parent. Her bringing a kid in tow doesn't change that. I'd go LC with sister... Maybe NC because of this... They said it’s my fault that her child doesn’t have a father and that if I had given having kids a chance, I would have changed my mind.

You didn't father her child. You are not the reason she is a single mom - she is. Assuming that someone who doesn't want kids will change their mind in forced into parenthood is ridiculous and wrong.

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itISmyphone − Your sister and BIL are the dumbest and most insulting twats in your family. Nothing in your ex's life is your fault in any remote way.. So far from wrong that you shouldn't even be thinking about it

lamb2cosmicslaughter − I would laugh in your sisters face. It's my fault he doesn't have a dad.... it's not ops son. It's some other dudes kid. F**king delusional.. You are NOT wrong at all

markbrev − How is her situation your fault? You were clear from the start that you didn’t want kids (personally I don’t get that, but this is your life not mine), split up and divorced over her changing her mind, yet somehow it’s your fault that she got knocked up, hasn’t managed to maintain a relationship and that the kid has no father figure?. Your ex, sister and BIL are all talking out of their arses.. Not your monkey, not your circus.

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Ok-Control-787 − Your sister and her husband must be really, really stupid people holy s**t.

Straysmom − You are absolutely Not Wrong. You divorced when you realized that your life goals were different. Your ex chose to have a child with *another man.* In what world would you want to get back together with a woman you divorced years ago when you have moved on & found happiness. Or be responsible for another man's kid.

I don't understand why your family is pushing this crazy idea, because it is all kinds of loony tunes. BTW, it is okay to want to be child-free. Not everybody is cut out for parenthood or interested in children. I chose to be child-free & got looked at like I'd grown another head. Because women are *supposed to* want to pop out babies. Nope. Not for me.

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roxywalker − Your not wrong for feeling like you need to block her and move on because clearly she hasn’t. What does your fiancé think? She was okay with you both meeting up but it sounds like it was under false pretenses. Strange that she would push an issue on you that you had zero interest in while married, that subsequently prompted a divorce, in which you both moved on.

If your family thinks your an a/h for divorcing her, imagine what they would have thought if you’d stayed, then divorced her if she became pregnant? You would have been a ‘heartless monster’ who’s avoiding his responsibility of being a father.

Now your ex got what she wanted but expects you to shoulder a responsibility you spared both of you from? You are not wrong at all for standing firm and people’s memories are very short when it comes to us doing the right thing and very long when they want to chastise us for would haves, could haves, and, should haves.

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These Reddit quips raise a point: are they spot-on, or just fueling the fire?

This Reddit rollercoaster leaves us questioning love, duty, and the right to choose. The man’s unwavering commitment to a child-free life feels like a stand for authenticity, yet his family’s blame casts a shadow. If you faced a similar clash of values, how would you hold your ground? Drop your thoughts or experiences below—let’s unpack this tangle of loyalty and freedom!

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