Aitah for having surgery ?

We all know that moment when a sudden medical emergency forces everyday life to a grinding halt. For one overworked 28-year-old, a terrifying diagnosis meant dropping everything for a highly invasive surgery, but the real nightmare started the moment she woke up. Instead of a supportive environment to heal, she found herself trapped with a caregiver who was more concerned about scheduling than survival.

Living with her mother—who also happened to be her manager—meant that calling out sick to avoid a permanent medical device was treated like a personal attack. Medical recovery is hard enough without your boss screaming at you from the foot of your bed. Curious how this toxic family dynamic unfolded? The full story is right below.

Woman Needs Emergency Surgery to Avoid a Colostomy Bag, but Her Mother Punishes Her for Missing Work

Aitah for having surgery ?

Setting the scene for a grueling daily routine, the young woman explains how she was burning the candle at both ends while quietly suffering.

I (F28) had a cyst that was spreading to my rectum. I was working 6 days a week and going through schooling. But I was hurting. It was a lot....

No big deal, right? Except they said I needed surgery to remove it, and soon, or I’ll be stuck using a colostomy bag for the rest of my life. I...

The tension shifts from medical to financial, highlighting a deeply enmeshed dynamic where the mother holds all the cards.

My mom wasn’t happy. I’d be missing work. And I hate to admit it, but I live with my mom. Wasn’t on purpose or intentional. I moved back a few...

During surgery, they cut my cyst out, but also opened my rectum and scraped it out. I have a tube out my behind, a bunch of stitches, and now require...

Every day I’m in serious trouble for quickly taking the surgery (doctors agreed that I needed it as soon as possible). I had an issue last night where my tube...

" That I did all this on purpose to torture her. That I purposely got my tube stuck (why would I? It hurts so bad). And that I need to...

Looking beyond the immediate shock of this story, we see a textbook case of financial and emotional enmeshment. When a parent is also a landlord and an employer, the power imbalance becomes absolute. Mental health professionals frequently point out that financial abuse often masquerades as familial support.

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By extracting so much rent that her daughter cannot save money to leave, the mother has created a captive employee. This dynamic strips the adult child of their autonomy, making even a life-saving medical decision feel like a punishable offense. The daughter is experiencing profound medical vulnerability, yet her caregiver is weaponizing her basic needs.

For anyone trapped in a similar web, professional consensus heavily recommends contacting a hospital social worker. Social workers can arrange for a transfer to a rehabilitative care facility, completely bypassing the abusive caregiver. Breaking free from narcissistic abuse requires establishing strict physical and financial boundaries, starting with a safe exit plan.

Community Opinions

Reddit came in hot—nearly unanimous in their horror, with many urging the woman to seek immediate outside help.

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u/7625607 Ask your doctor if you can be put in a rehabilitative home until the tube is removed as you are not able to do all the needed care yourself...

u/Fluid_Actuary1729 Going through surgery as an alternative to lifelong use of colostomy bag? Are you kidding? What is wrong with your mother?

u/purplepeopletreater NTA. What the heck is wrong with your mother? She sounds like a horrible narcissist. She is seriously worried about you working when you could have actually lost your...

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u/lindseysavel come on you know you're not TA... it sounds like your mom wants you for your $$ contributions and doesn't care about your health. if you had to get...

u/Lonely-World-981 you might want to look at one of these toxic parent subs: r/raisedbynarcissists r/raisedbyborderlines

u/throwawayabac Heartbreaking you feel that way. Your mom sucks and I hope you're able to reach out to different family or friends to help. You are neither an Ahole or...

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u/Fair-Wonder8490 first of all this is your HEALTH the most important thing ... cannot believe your mom is acting like a AH for not helping you as a MOTHER ...........

u/WhichWitch9402 Call doctor's office and tell them you're being abused by your mother. She's screaming and refusing help and badgering you about having the surgery. They can help you. Or...

u/ObligationClassic417 No not at all. Your Mom needs to stop behaving that way to you. She is all weong

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u/throwawayeverynight You need to leave ASAP. I’m 51 and my 80 year old mom has been with me since February helping me post kidney transplant . She even goes with...

u/Mouse589 Tell the doctor that you are being abused by your mother; she's not giving you the help you need to recover and she's verbally aggressive and abusive. Tell them...

u/RestingBitchFave NTA Yikes OP. I have HS so I have some experience with cysts in uncomfy places, but that sounds awful! Your mom is being horrible when you're already is...

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u/Rebellem54 Record her tantrums. And play them in front of her with your doctor's on why you need to go to rehab. That's abuse and they won't release you to...

u/Nothing_Special5645 This is dumb how could you think you’re the AH here?

u/DeeplyFlawed NTA. Your mom is callous & abusive. Please see if someone else will be able to accomodate. You don't deserve this sort of treatment.

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A few commenters even provided specific resources and scripts for escaping the abusive household.

Navigating a severe health crisis is traumatic enough without facing hostility from the very person supposed to offer care. The clash between medical necessity and financial control leaves a lasting impact on family trust. Do you think the daughter should immediately report the situation to her doctors, or did the mother simply suffer from extreme caregiver burnout? And how would you handle a boss who also controls your living situation? Drop your thoughts in the comments!

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