AITAH if I end the relationship after he added his ex-wife to his new phone plan?

Venus Hours
Comments 0 Comments

In the intricate maze of modern relationships, clear boundaries are crucial for trust and intimacy. The story at hand features a couple struggling as the past refuses to remain in the past. The 40-year-old partner is increasingly frustrated by her boyfriend’s blurred boundaries with his ex-wife—a relationship that, although officially over, continues to intrude into their present life.

Everyday actions that seem minor, like sharing access to old security systems or even a phone plan, can become potent symbols of lingering emotional ties. Such details, seemingly trivial at first glance, have accumulated into a pattern that leaves one feeling unvalued and disrespected in the relationship. The discomfort of watching a current partner prioritize an ex over a unified future can shatter trust and challenge one’s self-esteem.

‘AITAH if I end the relationship after he added his ex-wife to his new phone plan?’

My 42M boyfriend and I 40F have been seeing each other for the past 8 months. We’ve hit a rough patch recently with the lack of boundaries he has with his ex-wife. They met in middle school, dated after college and divorced a couple years ago. She had multiple affairs and he says the relationship is over.

Here’s some context and some of the things that have happened in the past. If I’m missing the big picture, tell me: 1, He still has access to the Ring camera for the house they shared, which is now hers. He says it’s for his children’s safety, but he has told me he’s heard her tell her friends stuff about him when he’s watched it.

2, He got his dog a year after moving out. He calls her the dog’s mom, and drops the dog off for day visits and overnights often. 3, He uninvited me to his niece’s birthday party, so she can attend. It’s his brother’s daughter. She told him that she doesn’t want to meet me. We’ve never spoken or seen each other.

He tried to fix this by telling her it’s her problem and reinvite me, but the damage was done. 4, She hosts dinner when his parents are in town, and so they get together and I’m not invited. See above point. I’ve shared that it doesn’t make sense that she gate keep HIS family.

He said it’s a 20 year tradition, and when I explained it as if the roles were flipped and he wasn’t invited because of my ex-husband, he got it. 5, He recently switched phone plans. She was still on the old plan, so he moved her over to the new plan because it was a better discount with more lines. I mean why not just ask her to get her own plan?!

She has her own money, and he has his. Both capable of paying for their own plans. I’ve talked to him about the pattern and the lack of boundaries, but he said it was a financial decision, not an emotional or personal one. He keeps himself tethered to his ex and I’m at the point where I am going to end the relationship. AITAH if I do?

Letting the past linger in a relationship can be detrimental to emotional intimacy and trust. In this situation, the woman’s decision to consider ending the relationship is grounded in a deep discomfort with her boyfriend’s ongoing ties to his ex-wife. His decision to add his ex to his new phone plan, among other boundary-crossing behaviors, symbolizes an unresolved connection that overshadows his commitment to his current partner.

When a former partner remains so closely entwined in day-to-day decisions, the current partner can feel sidelined and even disrespected. It’s not simply a matter of financial convenience, as he claims, but rather an indicator of emotional ambiguity. This kind of situation highlights a common relationship pitfall: failing to create and enforce firm boundaries with previous partners.

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship researcher, once noted, “It’s not the presence of conflict, but rather the way partners communicate and establish boundaries that determines relationship health.” His insight reminds us that effective communication and clear limits are essential for nurturing a mutual understanding. In cases where boundaries are blurred or ignored, one partner may feel diminished or insecure, ultimately undermining the relationship’s foundation.

Experts advise couples to openly discuss what constitutes acceptable closeness with ex-partners and the actions that might jeopardize emotional security. Setting clear limits—such as maintaining separate communication channels and respecting personal spaces—can alleviate misunderstandings and protect current relationships.

In this scenario, the repeated intrusion by an ex-wife into the present relationship is a red flag that warrants serious discussion, if not decisive action. For further guidance on managing these complex dynamics, insights from The Gottman Institute can offer valuable, research-based strategies.

Here’s what Redditors had to say:

In a broader sense, Reddit users overwhelmingly agreed that the issue isn’t merely the phone plan itself, but the deeper, persistent boundary issues that it represents. The comments reflect a consensus that any relationship where an ex continues to encroach on the present should be re-evaluated. Many see the behavior as a sign of unresolved feelings and emotional ambivalence—an unmistakable red flag for anyone seeking a fully committed, respectful partnership.

krakenheimen − The phone plan is not the headline here. You’re an accessory. She’s his family. 

mpan2501 − NTA hon go find you a man that does the opposite of what this guys does

Necessary-Corner3171 − Run and don't look back. This is the type of guy who, if you were getting married and she objected and told him how much she still loved him, would leave you standing at the alter as the ran away together.

LaLunaLady1960 − To quote the late Diana, Princess of Wales: “**There were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded**”.. That is what you are dealing with. I would end the relationship. He's obviously prioritizing her over you.

hip_hop_sweetheart − NTA He's still in love with her and if she said she'd change and wanted him back he'd drop you with the quickness!

Then_Berr − You need to move on cause he hasn't and has no intentions to

Altruistic_Owl9103 − He is a big a****** and it sounds like he wants to be dating his ex-wife instead of you. If you stay with his loser ass, then you're a fool. Peace.

Vegoia2 − Clearly you see the writing on the wall but hang on to be dissed more? is it just to have strangers tell you to get out of that mess?

SomberBunny_ − he's treating you like his side piece and his ex wife is still his wife. Don't waste your time on him, he's going to have issues with anyone women in his life as long as she's around, and we all know he's not going to do anything about boundaries. Not now or ever​

Inevitable_Pie9541 − NTA because you're in a plural marriage right now that you didn't agree to. It's not even about does he still sleep with her, he probably doesn't. But he prioritises her, over and over, and sees no problem with doing it. She's still, in practise, #1 wife, you're a distant #2, and he's made it clear he doesn't care about your feelings. Just hers.. Find someone who's 100% *your* husband. This guy isn't, and it will not change.

Ultimately, the decision to end a relationship is intensely personal. When boundaries are repeatedly crossed by involving an ex in everyday matters, it sends a clear message about where priorities lie. The story encourages us to scrutinize the subtle ways in which past relationships can invade the present, leaving us to question our self-worth and the viability of future intimacy. What would you do if you found yourself in a situation where emotional boundaries are not being respected? Share your thoughts and experiences—your insights might help others navigate these complex waters.

Share this post

Related Posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *