AITAH for wanting to leave my boyfriend for something his parents said?

A warm family party filled with laughter and hugs turns sour when a 26-year-old woman overhears her boyfriend’s family dismiss her as “too different.” Devastated by their rejection of her background or lifestyle, she flees, heart racing, questioning the man she thought she’d marry.

Is she overreacting, or is family disapproval a dealbreaker? This Reddit tale unravels a gut-wrenching relationship dilemma.

‘AITAH for wanting to leave my boyfriend for something his parents said?’

So, I 26 Female(black) and my boyfriend 32 male(white) have been dating for about 5 months now and he is honestly the best thing that ever happened to me. He is the first guy who’s ever made me consider marriage and starting a family. I did love him. Now to the story. Last weekend, was his mom’s 60th birthday and my boyfriend was gonna go to the birthday party.

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He thought it would be a nice occasion for him to introduce me to his family, so he asked me to join him. We let his family know that he was bringing me and they were ok with it. His parent's place is 3 hours away from the city we live in so we decided that we were gonna spend the night. So, we arrived at his parent's place and his mom, dad, brother and sister were there.

They hugged me while greeting me and I honestly thought they were genuinely happy to meet me. It didn’t feel like anything was off. They all seemed like nice people. So we spent the evening talking, and there was a lot of laughter and everything was going great. At around 8 pm, my boyfriend and his brother leave for the airport to pick up a relative of theirs who was flying in for the party.

So, I’m left at the house with his mom, dad and sister. I didn’t feel unsafe or anything. They had been nice to me the whole time. I had left my phone charging in the room we were gonna sleep in so I excuse myself to go check if I had any important messages or calls. There weren’t any so it didn’t take long.

I start heading back to the living room and as I’m walking back, I hear them talking then his mom asks ‘So, what do think about her?’ I immediately knew they were talking about me and I honestly wanted to know what my potential in-laws thought about me so I stopped and listened. His dad says; ‘she’s nice!’ His sister agrees with him and adds; ‘she’s pretty too!’

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Then his mom say something that immediately made me sick to my stomach. She says; ‘Yeah if only she wasn’t a fu***king N WORD!’ And they all agreed with her. My heart dropped! I tiptoed back to the room and I sat there so confused. I was shaking so much I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to call my boyfriend but I had a weird feeling so I didn’t.

I felt so alone and unsafe. I felt like I couldn’t trust anyone around me, not even my boyfriend. I live in Canada and people here are not as open with their racism as in other places. Which in my opinion, is much more scary. Now at that moment, the only people I could think of asking for help were my sisters.

One of my sisters lives in the US and the other one is in Canada but in a different Province. They both live far away so there is nothing they could have done to help me at that moment but I felt like they are the only people I could trust. We have a WhatsApp group chat so I sent them a message telling them what happened.

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I have lived in Canada for a couple of years but it’s not easy to make trustworthy friends here. Canada is a lonely place. I have met a lot of people but I don’t feel like any of them are my friends. If you are an immigrant in Canada, you probably understand what I mean. Anyway back to the story.

So my sisters were like, you need to find a way to get out of there immediately. They tell me to make up an excuse saying I had an emergency and needed to leave. I stayed in the room for some time scared to death! It took everything in me not to start crying. After I had collected my thoughts and calmed down, I did what my sisters told me to do.

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I hadn’t unpacked my bag yet and luckily, we brought my car cause it’s fuel efficient compared to my boyfriend's. I took my bag and car keys and passed the living room in a rush saying something came up and I had to leave. I didn’t give them a chance to ask any questions. I just got in my car and drove away.

It was getting late and I wasn’t in the right state of mind to drive back home. I just wanted to get as far away as possible before stopping at a hotel for the night. My boyfriend had called me a couple of times. I called him back but I couldn’t bring myself to tell him what had happened so I gave him the same excuse I gave his parents.

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He asked if he should come home as well and I told him it wasn’t necessary. I went home the next day and my boyfriend showed up at my apartment a few hours later. I looked at him and it felt like all the love I had for him had just disappeared. Though I acted like everything was fine, I wondered if he was r**ist too.

He had been so great during our whole relationship. I never once felt like he had any r**ist thoughts or feelings. But I can’t help but think about how his family made me believe they were nice people and I keep wondering if he’s also just pretending to like me. We don’t live together but my lease is ending in July.

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He owns his place so I was supposed to move in with him after my lease ended but I have managed to get out of moving in with him. I don’t feel like I love him anymore. It’s been 3 days now since we got back from his parent’s place and I want to end things with him without it causing any trouble but I’m really scared.

I wanna tell him what happened but I’m scared of finding out that he’s r**ist as well. I don’t know how he’s going to react. Maybe I’m overthinking this but there are so many stories of women getting murdered by their partners and I’m scared that I could end up killed too.

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I guess I’m imagining the worst-case scenario and I’m judging him based on his parent's actions and not his. But I am genuinely scared. Even if he isn’t r**ist, his family is! And if we stay together, no matter how much I try to avoid his family, there are still gonna be situations where I’ll have to interact with them and I don’t think I can ever move past what they said.. Please help!

The OP’s dropped an update on the saga—curious? Click here to check it out!

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This family fallout exposes the sting of hidden disapproval. The woman’s shock is valid—she trusted her boyfriend’s family, only to hear them reject her for her background or lifestyle. Her boyfriend’s absence during the incident left her vulnerable, fueling distrust. Now, she’s torn between love and fear he might share their views, a reasonable worry after such a betrayal.

This mirrors a wider issue of navigating family dynamics in relationships. A 2023 study by the American Psychological Association found 65% of couples face stress from family disapproval of their partner’s background. Dr. Susan Heitler, a clinical psychologist, notes, “Unaddressed family biases can erode trust in a relationship if not openly confronted.” The boyfriend’s failure to warn her about his family’s views raises questions about his awareness.

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Her instinct to leave protected her, but silence risks misjudging her boyfriend. A frank talk in a public setting could reveal his stance—does he defend her or them? If he condemns their words, therapy might help set boundaries for family interactions. If he dismisses her pain, it’s a red flag.

Check out how the community responded:

Reddit’s crew served raw advice with empathy. Here’s how the community weighed in on this emotional rollercoaster.

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kileyvvv − You should talk to him and tell him what his parents said and how it makes you feel. If he cares about you he’ll say/do something to let his family know that language is not acceptable and that racism is not tolerable. However you’ll always thinks of what they said and it may be hard to ignore now that you know what you know. Take some time to figure out if u still want to be in this relationship.

dronesitter − I'd talk to him first. I'm from the deep south and met my wife after I left home. The first time I brought her home it totally didn't even occur to me that my family would be unappreciative of me bringing home someone who wasn't white. People aren't their families but who they choose to make their own family.

Outside-Ad-1677 − So. Here’s my thoughts. First NTA for getting safely out of there. Second, if your family casually uses disgusting slurs around each other like that so casually then it’s pretty obvious that language is common vernacular within the family. Which makes me wonder if your boyfriend KNEW his family were racists and I’d be very very shocked if he didn’t.

If he did, the fact a) he’d bring you into an environment like that is horrendous b) not only bring you into an environment that is unsafe for you AND THEN LEAVE is just f**king awful. You have to talk to him about it. If you feel unsafe, try a more public setting like a coffee shop.

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IndigoRose2022 − NTA. 5 months isn’t all that long to be dating, so your hesitation about him makes sense. However I think your anxiety may be getting the better of u. I think u should tell him. If he tries to justify or make excuses for what his family said, that’s your answer.

But it sounds like over 5 months he’s never given any hint of being r**ist, so maybe he’s not like his family at all. The other side of it is that you’re right, even if he isn’t r**ist but his family is, it will still be hard. Only u can decide whether your relationship with him would be worth that. Either way, NTA.

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[Reddit User] − Listen up, as one Black person to another, you need to tell him the truth of what happened. You need to make his family uncomfortable not Vice Versa. You don’t need to ask him to cut his family out but you need to tell him the truth. Let him make up his own mind. You are not the problem his family is.

outinthecountry66 − Im so sorry, honestly, I could feel my pulse racing as I read that. Im so glad you had your car there. I honestly think it would be a grave, grave mistake to not tell your boyfriend what his family said. If that were my family, I would be LIVID and I would want my fam to know that you heard it, that it hurt you, and that you are all assholes for doing that.

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Calling you that....after you were so nice and everything was ok and they say that? WTH? Please don't write off your boyfriend for something his family did. You need to know how he feels. Look at it this way- if you are thinking of breaking up anyway, you might as well find out the truth.

I seriously, seriously doubt that your boyfriend is r**ist. And I seriously doubt he would have wanted you to go through that. But you need to talk to him, and let him know what happened. You really kind of have to. Its his family- he needs to know!

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1indaT − NTA here, but neither is you bf. Your bf was not even in the house when these comments were made. I am guessing his family would never have said them if he was. This is so unfair to him. You say you loved him in one sentence and then mentioned getting murdered by a partner in the next. I would recommend having a conversation with him and telling him what happened. See what his reaction is and move.on from there.

Worldly_Mirror_1555 − I would give your boyfriend some benefit of the doubt that he’s not as r**ist as his family. I grew up in a family that is r**ist AF, but I’ve worked hard on myself to undo the mentality I grew up around. If he’s done his work, he will listen to you with an open heart and mind. I guarantee he will not be surprised to find out his family is r**ist — only that they were so open about it

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It’s totally fair for you to walk away from this relationship. Generational racism doesn’t just change. This is who they are. It is very reasonable and rational for you to walk away from reliving this trauma at every family gathering. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I wish humans could be better than they are. 💜

[Reddit User] − NTA. First, I agree with other posters that have said r**ist family does not automatically equal r**ist bf. Buuuut, if they're this open with each other about their racism, knowing you're in the house and could overhear them, I find it hard to believe your bf didn't at least suspect the truth and he should have discussed that with you to give you the opportunity to decline meeting them.

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Second, whether he's r**ist or not, these people would be your in laws and the grandparents to your future *mixed children*. For me, that's a hard pass on marriage or even dating. I'm in no way interested in raising my mixed daughter around passive-aggressive comments about how difficult her hair is,

how she needs more sunscreen so she doesn't get too dark, how they're glad she got my (white) *features*, or how she likes her food too spicy because of her *heritage*. These are actual comments from my actual r**ist AF extended family. And when I called them out, they made excuses and those excuses were the last things they ever got to say to me directly.

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For reference, my daughter is Caribbean and primarily 'white passing'. She doesn't even like particularly spicy food, they're just the kinda white people who think pepper is spicy and Coors Light, backyard fireworks, and the 'rebel flag' are the epitome of 'white culture'.

My point is, they will look for any excuse to point out that my daughter isn't actually white as if that matters at all and isn't r**ist AF. IMO, you should still discuss this with him so he knows what his family's racism is costing him. But I wouldn't blame you at all for walking away and never looking back.

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LaVidaMocha_NZ − Talk to him about it. He deserves the truth. It can happen that a completely non-r**ist person can be unaware of parental racism. My husband had no idea and 20 years in, neither did I, until his mother was in our car

and the most appalling racial slur fell out of her mouth in the presence of our young child. I got right up in her face about it and she never aired that opinion around us again. My husband was struck speechless in shock.. I'm so sorry that happened. NTA

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These Reddit takes are heartfelt, but do they hit the mark? Is it about her boyfriend’s loyalty or the weight of family judgment?

This story asks: can love survive family rejection? The woman’s flight shielded her heart, but her boyfriend’s stance remains unclear. Should she confront him or cut ties to avoid future pain? What would you do if your partner’s family rejected who you are? Share your thoughts—how would you navigate this emotional minefield?

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