AITAH for telling my wife to stop making her eating disorder obvious to the kids?

In a quiet family kitchen, a father’s worry boils over as his 10-year-old daughter echoes her mother’s fear of “bad” foods like rice, mirroring her mother’s lifelong eating disorder. This Reddit tale dives into a tense confrontation where he begs his wife to stop making harmful comments, only to face her biting sarcasm. It’s a raw snapshot of love tangled with fear for a child’s health, set against the backdrop of a mother’s struggle.

The wife, once on a path to recovery, relapsed after childbirth and now resists help, leaving her husband scrambling to protect their daughters. When their eldest skips carbs, citing bloating, he sees warning signs of a dangerous cycle. Is he wrong to demand change, or is this a desperate plea to shield his kids? The Reddit post lays it bare.

‘AITAH for telling my wife to stop making her eating disorder obvious to the kids?’

My wife Alice has an eating disorder basically her whole life. She doesn’t allow herself anything with too many carbs or sugar in it. Her meals are mostly veg and protein. When we first started dating, she was so motivated to change that about herself and develop a healthier relationship with food. She started seeing a therapist and a doctor and was doing really well.

She came a really long way and I was doing whatever I could to support her. But when we had our two daughters (8 and 10), she went right back to square one because she was insecure about her body. She completely refused to get any help after because she didn’t want to gain weight. I’ve done everything I could to try help her but she’s completely against it now.

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My daughters and I usually have the same thing for our meals and Alice eats the low carb low fat version of it. Recently, our 10 year old expressed that she wants to start eating what Alice has and she’ll give reasons that sound like exactly what Alice would say. For example, one night we were having rice, salmon and veggies for dinner.

My daughter said “dad don’t put rice on my plate, I’ll be bloated tomorrow”. I asked her why she said that and she couldn’t give me an answer. She completely refused to have the rice and I obviously can’t force her, but she’s been doing it more often lately. I sat her down and explained that carbs aren’t bad for her and it’s essential to her growth and health that she has a balanced diet.

I thought she understood what I was saying but it hasn’t helped one bit because she still refuses to eat any rice/potatoes/bread or snacks at all. I told my wife that she needs to stop making comments about her appearance and labelling certain foods as bad because it’s affecting our daughter and I’m scared what level this could get to for such a young child.

My wife said “oh sorry, let me just switch my eating disorder off for you darling, didn’t realise it was such an inconvenience”. This ticked me off and I told her to stop being sarcastic and passive aggressive. I said I’m genuinely worried about our daughter and we need to do something to nip it in the bud before it gets worse for her.

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She said I’m daft for bringing that up with her when she struggles with food too.  She said “if I knew how to help someone who struggles with food, I wouldn’t have spent my entire life struggling”. My mind is a jumbled mess. I think Im just going to seek help on how to help my daughter and do it on my own but I feel like we won’t make progress if my wife keeps making comments about food in front of her.

Parenting while managing mental health issues can feel like navigating a storm. The father’s plea for his wife to curb her eating disorder comments stems from seeing their daughter mimic unhealthy habits, like refusing rice to avoid bloating. His wife’s refusal to seek help and her defensive sarcasm highlight the grip of her disorder, but her influence risks shaping their child’s relationship with food. Both are caught in a painful bind—his protective instinct versus her struggle to cope.

Eating disorders often ripple through families. A 2023 study in Eating Disorders found that children of parents with eating disorders are 3 times more likely to develop similar issues (source). The father’s concern is valid, as early intervention is critical. Dr. Cynthia Bulik, an eating disorder expert, states, “Parental modeling shapes children’s food attitudes—recovery requires conscious effort to break harmful cycles” (source).

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Therapy for the daughter, focusing on nutrition education, and family counseling could help. The wife might benefit from revisiting treatment, perhaps through outpatient programs. Positive activities, like cooking together, could reframe food as joy, not fear.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

Reddit users didn’t hold back, tossing out raw empathy and tough advice like a family intervention. From personal stories to urgent calls for action, the comments are a heartfelt mix. Here they are:

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[Reddit User] − NTA As someone who has struggled with EDs for most of my life, having my daughter was the turning point for me in my attitude. Not saying I got better overnight, I still struggle, but I would do anything to keep my kids from dealing with the same issues I have

My ED was inherited through multiple generations, and now I’m doing the work to break the cycle. Its bad enough when kids pick up things that parents try to hide, but for your wife to blatantly not give a s**t and make you feel bad for your completely correct take is wild Your wife doesn’t get a pass to traumatise your kids just because she isn’t putting in the work to recover

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[Reddit User] − She doesn't get to 'refuse help'. She is sick and your kids are starting to get it too. So like any contageous illness when there are kids involved, she *has* to see a specialist doctor, or you have to keep the kids away from her. Did you make some unhelpful comments? Yes. Were you desperate? Also yes. So NTA. This s**t needs to be sorted ASAP before she fucks up your kids even more than she already has.

madfoot − My kid (15m) just came out of an ED treatment program. He asked me to see a dietician who specializes in ED as part of my supporting him. I have thought, his whole life, that was modeling a positive relationship to food and I have been devastated to learn that I’ve been unconsciously doing the opposite.

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Everything I do related to food is a direct reaction to growing up with a mom with a lifelong undiagnosed eating disorder. She put so much s**t in my head that I am only now coming to terms with. I am so glad to be doing the work, but I have made my dietician almost cry at stories of what my mom did and said to me and to herself.

And I am so humbled to learn how much of what I do in response to my mom has affected what he does in response to me. (I wanted to do the opposite from my bitchy mom. He and I are close, so he just learned to do what I did, which was overindulge as a “F-you” to my mom.)

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Show this to your wife. She HAS TO GET BETTER. She has to BE better. When she resists, it’s the disorder defending itself, and she has to stop letting it control her thoughts and actions. You are not being alarmist. This is affecting the kids. There were several women in my son’s program who were moms.

There is nothing wrong with getting help. She can do an outpatient program. Please please please, OP’s wife, if you read this I KNOW, and I get it, and your ED is lying to you. Tell it to f**k off already, all it wants is to take you away from everything you love.

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JuliaX1984 − People with untreated eating disorders produce kids with eating disorders. If your wife refuses to get the professional help necessary to stop her from harming her daughter, get your daughter to her own therapist and get your daughter's doctor involved, too. NTA I don't know how parental rights work if your wife objects, but do what you have to do -- your daughter's health trumps your wife's feelings.

HalfVast59 − Eating disorders have the highest mortality of all psychiatric disorders, and one of the highest suicide rates.. OP - this is a hill to die on. Your wife apparently does not care enough about the effect she's having on your children to make any changes. Therefore, you need to make the changes, and they probably have to be drastic.

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First, I strongly urge you to get a few sessions with a psychologist who specializes in eating disorders. Talk about how to inoculate your children. Also talk about taking your children away from your wife unless she gets help. Seriously - I very rarely recommend leaving, and wouldn't recommend it here, except you have children to consider.

You need to get them out of that environment. My mother had a mild eating disorder, and she passed it on to me. By the time I was 50, despite having gotten help by that point, I had done so much damage to my body, I could barely walk.

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The damage I have done is irreversible, and I doubt I'll live to 65. It was a strong contributing factor in my infertility. I wish to God someone had removed me from her influence. Doing so might even have motivated my mother to get help.. Get your kids out of there.

Beneficial_Breath232 − NTA If she refuse to get any help, she is not allowed to be offended when someone says 'Your ED has consequence on your familly, keep it in check'. ​ She said “if I knew how to help someone who struggles with food, I wouldn’t have spent my entire life struggling”.

Girl, you litteraly go to therapy ten years ago, and got better. You know how to help someone struggling with ED, you take them to a professional ; you are just refusing to do it again.

Total-Football-6904 − NTA. Your daughters are at an incredibly impressionable age. 10-13 is typically when young girls become hyperaware of their appearance, and that train is the little engine that could to a teenage girl. There was a trend earlier this year from daughters of almond, special K, low fat yogurt moms and how it impacted their mental health and self esteem.

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Your wife is 100% TA for making comments about “bad foods” in front of the children. Even if she chooses not to deal with her eating disorder, it’s not okay to expose others to it.

Your wife needs to go back to therapy, and you should be looking into child therapists for your girls to get ahead of it. **Seriously, do everything you can to get ahead of this illness with the girls even if your wife won’t cooperate.**

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Also gonna suggest vegetable gardening and family cooking nights to get them to view food with positive memories and activities. Start explaining basic nutrition, *not calories* but things like vitamins, minerals and fiber, and set an example of eating nutritionally complete meals.

GroundbreakingPhoto4 − I'd ask your wife does she want her daughter to have an eating disorder like herself? Maybe her mind is that twisted that she does actually want them eating the same. She needs serious help.

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Midzotics − She has mental health issues that are affecting your child. Not the AH she needs to get help so she doesn't push this onto your daughter.

[Reddit User] − Easy solution: she doesn’t eat with the family until the comments stop. Her ED needs to be *her* inconvenience at this point. NTA. I was allowed to binge eat growing up and 15 years later and I can’t change the habit. Eating habits taught to children growing up become incredibly difficult to change if they’re carried into adulthood.

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These fiery takes urge protection for the kids but question the wife’s resistance—do they capture the full weight of this family’s struggle?

This Reddit saga lays bare the ripple effects of an eating disorder, where a mother’s struggle threatens her daughter’s health, and a father’s plea sparks tension. His push to shield his kids clashes with his wife’s resistance, highlighting the need for professional help and open dialogue. What would you do to protect a child in this situation? Share your thoughts—how do you navigate mental health challenges in a family?

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