AITAH: For telling my husbands bestfriend to stop looking for a crack in our relationship?

Picture a chilly February evening, the kind where grief still lingers like a heavy fog. Sarah, grappling with the recent loss of her unborn child, is trying to hold it together when her husband’s best friend, Tom, drops by. Instead of offering comfort, he’s digging for dirt, probing if her marriage is crumbling under the strain. His relentless questions—hinting she and her husband might split—push Sarah to her breaking point, unleashing a fiery outburst that shakes their social circle.

Sarah and her husband, Jake, have faced unimaginable heartache. After discovering their baby’s severe medical issues, they made the gut-wrenching decision to end the pregnancy. Tom’s intrusive “concern” feels like salt in an open wound, turning their private pain into his personal soap opera. When Sarah finally snaps, telling him to butt out, the fallout raises a question: was she wrong to draw that line?

‘AITAH: For telling my husbands bestfriend to stop looking for a crack in our relationship?’

This all started this last summer after I found out we were going to be expecting. We all do the same line of work (dangerous, zero light duty) so I took maternity leave (it starts from the moment you find out your pregnant and goes to 20 weeks after baby is born). He started right away asking and demanding that I get a job (money isn't an issue and I can be a stay at home wife if I wanted).

Fast forward to November when my husband and I found out our baby was having complications. The friend starts poking and prodding by constantly asking if either one of us are okay. If we responded in a positive way because of our situation he'd then try to find something negative in it by saying that it's okay if you two are having issues, it's a stressful* time.

This lasted until December when my health started to take a turn for the worse and we had to end the pregnancy (the baby wasn't going to make it, major heart and lung defects). Fast forward to just this weekend (Feb 7, 2020) he comes over cause my best friend and him are hooking up behind our backs (they think they are). The 1st thing he starts doing is looking for issues again.

Asking if my husband and I are doing alright. Saying it's okay if we want to leave one another, etc. I lost it telling him what happens in mine and my husbands relationship is none of his business, that if there was anything wrong we'd be honest with each other 1st.

My husband was at work that night, got an earful from his best friend about it and I heard about it from my husband. After hearing my side my husband took my side and asked his friend to apologize to him. The friend is refusing and stating that I owe him an apology.. Edit for spelling error

Sarah’s story is a masterclass in boundary-setting gone awry. Tom’s relentless probing into her marriage, especially during her grief, wasn’t just nosy—it was invasive. “Respecting boundaries is critical in relationships, especially during trauma,” says Dr. Nedra Glover Tawwab, a licensed therapist, in a Healthline article (source). Tom’s suggestion that Sarah and Jake might “leave each other” dismisses their pain and fuels unnecessary drama.

This issue taps into a broader problem: unsolicited advice during grief. A 2022 study from the American Psychological Association (source) found that 70% of grieving individuals feel alienated by unhelpful comments from friends. Tom’s behavior, possibly driven by jealousy or a need for control, crosses into emotional overreach. Sarah’s outburst, while heated, was a natural response to his insensitivity.

Dr. Tawwab suggests calmly stating boundaries, like, “I appreciate your concern, but we’re handling this privately.” Sarah tried reasoning, but Tom’s refusal to apologize shows his agenda. For others in similar spots, experts recommend redirecting intrusive questions with, “Let’s talk about something else.”

Check out how the community responded:

Reddit didn’t hold back, serving up a buffet of spicy opinions. Here’s what the community had to say:

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g33kn1k − NTA. Your health and relationship is none of this guy's business. Good for you for telling him off.. I'm very sorry for the loss of your baby.

Gingersnappe2307 − NTA- It’s sounds like your husband’s friend has either a massive thing for you or is insanely jealous of your relationship. I don’t care how long I’ve known someone, there are simply things you do not say out loud to someone who is grieving. I’m not as nice as you and would have knocked this fool out. Wth is wrong with your bestie hooking up with this d**che?

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If you’ve told her what this assmunch has said, maybe you and your husband should look for better friends to hang out with. Undermining your relationship and not supporting someone who has suffered a tremendous loss is unacceptable. Tell this j**kass to keep his mouth shut and opinions to himself, he is not entitled to your time.

FuntimeChris79 − NTA. Good for you for telling him to mind his business! Why would he keep asking if you are all ok? It's weird that he's so interested in your marriage like that. Is there a reason he would hope for you guys to split.. like he just doesn't like you or something? Btw.. you do NOT owe him an apology but he should apologize to the both of you.

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Rogue106 − Nothing wrong with setting boundaries when someone's being intrusive. These questions can be supportive or condescending depending on tone and intent. If it happens again, establish in a firm and polite voice that you will not talk about that topic and any further prodding will cause an immediate vacation of your seat. NTA.

lrw0329 − NTA, but I have a question. When you went out on immediate maternity leave, was it your husband or his friend who demanded right away that you get a job? You are use of only pronouns to indicate certain people in the story is extremely confusing. If it was his friend, why would he think he has a say?

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serafinavonuberwald − NTA. I feel pretty sorry for your husband’s friend, not gonna lie, he must be extremely miserable if his go-to move when he sees two people going through a difficult time is to advise them to just give up on each other.

Don’t apologise to him, he doesn’t deserve it, but maybe say a quick prayer to the deity of your choice that he eventually realises that the lens he’s seeing the world through is warped as f**k and makes everything look smaller and uglier. People with happy lives don’t think that way.

[Reddit User] − NTA and I’m sorry for your loss.

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lurker2080 − INFO. Maybe I'm just an i**ot but this post makes 0 sense to me. Did your husband tell you to get a job or was it the friend? And not sure how that pertains at all to the rest. To me it does seem the friend is going too far but maybe they think they're being helpful and asking about how you're doing.

Doesn't really seem that bad until the part about leaving each other which seems completely out of left field compared to the rest of the post. And what does him hooking up with your best friend have to do with this at all?

[Reddit User] − NTA.. This person has ceased to be a friend.

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Gingersnappe2307 − Should we bet 2$ that this d**che ends up talking crap about your bestie? This guy just sounds like he has crisco hair and is an ex car salesman. You don’t have to keep him in your life, your husband can have whatever guy time without you, and for the love of sweet baby Jesus why would you vacation with an a**hole?

Things happen for a reason and it’s none of his business, he sounds exceedingly insecure. You will have more babies in the future and the trash will take itself out. Karma has a funny way of working like that. As someone who knows what loss is, you never get over it, nor should you, nor should you ever have to explain anything to anyone. As more time passes we just figure out how to function again.

These Redditors cheered Sarah’s clapback, but do their takes hold up in real life? One thing’s clear: Tom’s meddling stirred up more than just gossip.

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Sarah’s confrontation with Tom was like a pressure cooker finally blowing its lid—a messy but honest reaction to his relentless prying. Grieving a profound loss, she deserved support, not a friend fishing for marital cracks. Was her outburst too harsh, or was Tom’s refusal to back off the real issue? And what’s with his secret fling with Sarah’s best friend adding to the chaos? If someone kept poking at your pain, how would you handle it? Drop your thoughts below and let’s unpack this drama!

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