AITAH for telling my ex-wife we aren’t a team, and I’m the only one who can make parenting decisions?

In a cozy home filled with the laughter of two teenagers, a father’s world was rocked by a clash with his ex-wife, who reappeared after years of absence. Once lost to addiction, she’s now sober, eager to reclaim a role she signed away long ago. The spark of conflict ignited when she tried to discipline their nearly adult kids, only to be met with a dad’s fierce protection of his hard-earned trust with them. It’s a tale that tugs at the heartstrings, blending pride, pain, and the messy truth of family ties.

This story unfolds in the delicate dance of rebuilding relationships, where past choices cast long shadows. The father’s sharp words to his ex-wife—declaring he and his kids are the only team—cut deep, sparking Reddit’s fiery debate. With humor and heart, this narrative pulls you into a world where loyalty is tested, and boundaries are drawn in the sand.

‘AITAH for telling my ex-wife we aren’t a team, and I’m the only one who can make parenting decisions?’

Good morning everyone, posting this because I've been extremely conflicted after this last argument with my ex. I don't want to diminish her accomplishments, and I hope it doesn't come across that way in the post. That being said.

When I was young, I married who I thought was my soulmate and had 2 kids together, a daughter and a son. Unfortunately, I did not know my wife was an addict/a**oholic when we married. She hid it extremely well until a few years in. I began noticing patterns and eventually confronted her.

We split when the oldest was 3, she signed over custody. I know she ended up being homeless a while after our split because her parents didn't want anything to do with her. Did not know anything besides that. She contacted me about a year back and told me she was 3 years sober, had a stable job, and a home.

I checked with her family and everything and yeah, she was telling the truth. She really wanted to meet 'her kids' and while I was a little upset at the 'her kids' line, I eventually decided it wasn't my decision to make and left it up to kids, now 16**M** and 17F(going on 18). They decided they wanted to meet her and that was that.

They have been hanging out with her about twice a week, and I let her come over for dinner almost every night. No sleepovers at her place as of now. So far, they've kind of have the aunt-ish relationship with her, but they do seem to be enjoying it. Which brings me to our conflict. I am far from being a great dad, but I honestly believe I am a good dad.

I've built trust with my kids through therapy and heart to hearts over the years. They're fairly 'popular' at their school, and they recently got invited to a party that I gave them the go-ahead to go. I've spoken to them about the dangers of alcohol/drugs/etc and they know I am always available to pick them up in a situation they don't want to be in. They also know why me and their mother split up.

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My kids came home around 11 and just gave me the teen type run down. Who was there, they couldn't believe who did what, blah blah. They also were honest with me and told me they tried jello shots, which they thought were gross. That was the end of that. They weren't drunk. They weren't buzzed. They tried a drink and that was that.

They were there for 2 hours and came home. Well, I guess they brought up the party infront of their mother that following breakfast meet up. She was livid. She tried to ground them from electronics and socializing for two weeks. They said it was really awkward and asked me to pick them up without much of the details.

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While they were waiting in the car I spoke to her and when she told me, I honestly laughed. I asked her what gave her the right? She responded that she really wants to be a mother to her kids and I should give her the chance to parent. That she's giving 100% to this to make this work. I told her it's way too late for that.

The kids are basically adults, have part time jobs, pay for their phone bills/clothes (by choice), and are deep into their plans for adulthood. She then told me I was robbing her chance to make things right and asked what was the point of letting her into their lives if I wasn't letting her be a mom. That we needed to be a team because she needed my support.

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Andddd here's where I might be the AH. I told her the kids are well past the age of asking me why mommy doesn't love them when crawling into my bed at night and that she was welcome to leave again. And as far as being a team, the only team is me and my kids. I am their parent.

They listen to me and respect me because I've listened to and respected them their whole lives. We have not spoken since then, now going on a week and a half. She has still texted the kids good morning/night messages but has skipped 2 meetups they usually have so far. So, am I the a**hole?

Edit: Thank you for all the comments and advice! At this point I truly cannot respond to everyone one even though I tried. This got wayyyy more traction than I thought it would. I will pop in if I can but I actually have to do work now. I appreciate all the comments even if the negative ones made me mad.

Edit 2: Sorry at this point I cannot respond to everyone. I checked quickly after responding to a different comment and I had 32 responses! I appreciate everyone but I cannot continue to respond. Thanks for all the co,0ments! I have to stop now

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This family’s drama is a masterclass in navigating the ghosts of past choices. The father’s clash with his ex-wife over her attempt to ground their teens reveals a core tension: her desire to reclaim a parental role versus his established authority. Her absence during their childhood, due to addiction, left a void he filled with therapy and trust-building. Her sudden leap to discipline feels like a stranger trying to referee a game she never played.

The broader issue here is co-parenting after prolonged absence. A 2022 study in the Journal of Family Issues found that successful co-parenting hinges on consistent communication and mutual respect—qualities lacking in this dynamic. The ex-wife’s attempt to impose rules overlooks the teens’ near-adult status and the father’s role as their anchor.

Dr. Kyle Pruett, a child psychiatrist, states, “Parenting is a privilege earned through presence and consistency” . Applied here, the ex-wife’s absence forfeited her disciplinary role, especially with teens who manage their own jobs and bills. Her hurt is valid, but her approach oversteps boundaries.

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The father should maintain clear limits, perhaps suggesting family counseling to ease tensions, as recommended by Psychology Today. The ex-wife could focus on building trust through friendship, not control.

Let’s dive into the reactions from Reddit:

Reddit didn’t hold back, dishing out a lively mix of cheers and reality checks for this dad’s standoff. From praising his protective instincts to slamming the ex-wife’s overreach, the comments are a spicy blend of support and shade. Here’s the raw scoop from the crowd:

[Reddit User] − NTA She needs to know her place. It’s great she got clean, but she missed out on basically their entire childhood. She now needs to accept she won’t have that mother/kid relationship with them like she wants.

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NatashOverWorld − Eh, you're honest. If you haven't put in the work and been there, almost-adult teens don't need you getting involved. And it doesn't matter how much you want to participate, if it's your own choices in life that made you lose that rlship.. NTA

Chaoticgood790 − NTA even if you weren’t the perfect parent you were THERE. She missed their childhoods and sadly they don’t need a mother anymore. There’s nothing you can do to change that part. Think of it this way this was the equivalent of your neighbor trying to ground them from something. Kids grow out of needing parenting. Just reality of the situation

bertmom − NTA. These kids are almost adults and she signed over custody. She isn’t there to make a parenting choice or punish them. She’s there to attempt to have some sort of relationship with them.

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GoldenGoof19 − NTA Idk where she gets the idea that she can make unilateral decisions about grounding etc for the kids, and then expect you to be a “team.”

But besides that, she hasn’t earned the right or the trust to discipline your kids. And it’s FAR too late for that anyways. Your kids are old enough to be in the phase where you talk to them about decisions they’ve made, and give advice and guidance.

I do want to say though, that you’re too down on yourself about being a great dad. Your kids feel comfortable and trust you enough to talk to you about their lives, and to be honest with you about things that are important. That says a whole hell of a lot about the kind of dad you are.

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If it were me, I’d take your ex out for a cup of coffee and have a discussion. Talk about what her hopes and expectations are for her relationship with your kids, then talk about boundaries you are setting when it comes to trying to parent your kids.

MamaPagan − NTA I feel sorry that she missed out on so much, and that she wants back in but is far too late... As a mother myself, I cannot imagine knowing I have a child or children, and losing out on watching them grow up... Go through their firsts, be there for them during hardships... It's honestly heartbreaking...

However, she has also been absent this entire time, and while I congratulate her on her sobriety, knowing how hard addiction is, she chose the path she chose... She doesn't get to sign away her rights and act as mom later on.

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I'm so proud of you for standing up for your children, and for building such a trusting relationship. I can only hope my husband and I can build that with our kid. What you said is harsh, yes... But it was unfortunately the truth.. Edited to fix a spelling error.

TotalIndependence881 − She thinks she can punish kids with grounding and loss of phones when all she has power over is occasional dinners with the kids? HOW? How would she enforce this? Park in front of your house for two weeks??

She wants to be a mother but has no idea how to do that. She’s way overstepping and inappropriate in her actions. The best way for her to be a mother is to continue in that “aunt like” role. She won’t be accepted as an authority figure because she hasn’t been and they are old enough they don’t need an authority.

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Honestly at their age they need aunts to look to for adulting guidance, advice, and support as they enter adulthood.. She needs to continue getting to know the kids and building trust with them. That’s the most.. NTA.

PeaceForMyKids − There are so many comments, I'm sorry if I don't respond immediately! I'm trying to. I'm just also working through whatever this is at the same time haha.

Careless_Welder_4048 − NTA you were there when they were sick. She needs to know the relationship takes time and put her pride aside. She needs to be stronger and more understanding to her kids. Her missing her meetings with them isn’t punishing you, it’s punishing them. It’s her choice and this time she’s messing it up being sober.

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HyenaShot8896 − NTA. Unfortunately for her she just got a really harsh dose of reality of her actions for what sounds like the last 14 years. She wasn't there when they needed her, and now she has no place to discipline two near adults. She needs to accept that, and also realize they are not little kids any more. She is also seeing that her recent actions are putting a wedge between her, and your children. This is a mess of her own making. Do not feel bad for her.

These Redditors rallied behind the father, applauding his bond with his kids while questioning the ex-wife’s audacity. Some saw her absence as a dealbreaker for parenting rights; others urged empathy for her sobriety. But do these hot takes capture the full picture, or are they just fanning the flames?

This father’s story is a raw reminder that parenting is built on years of showing up, not just showing remorse. His fierce defense of his teens’ trust underscores the strength of their bond, forged through years of solo effort. The ex-wife’s struggle to reconnect is heartfelt, but her misstep shows timing matters as much as intent. How would you handle a returning parent trying to rewrite the rules with near-adult kids? Share your thoughts and experiences below.

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