AITAH for telling my ex I’m not single for his benefit?
Navigating the aftermath of a breakup is never easy, especially when complicated emotions and past promises resurface at the most inopportune moments. Our OP, an early-30s woman, found herself confronting a painful dilemma when her ex-boyfriend, Jason—whom she once envisioned a future with—unexpectedly reached out after his mother’s death. They had been together for five years, sharing dreams of marriage, kids, and a stable future, but Jason left when his mom fell ill, leaving her to grieve in isolation.
In the midst of her own healing, Jason reappeared, asking to rekindle their relationship. His request felt less like a sincere plea and more like an attempt to reclaim lost ground now that he was no longer in crisis mode. Caught between lingering compassion and the need to protect herself, OP firmly rejected him, leaving her surrounded by friends who criticized her for a lack of empathy. Let’s delve into this emotional rollercoaster and unpack the layers of love, loss, and loyalty.
‘AITAH for telling my ex I’m not single for his benefit?’
Letting old flames rekindle during vulnerable moments can be a recipe for renewed heartache. Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, whose research on marital stability has been widely cited, asserts, “Successful relationships are built on trust, mutual respect, and clear boundaries. When one partner fails to be there in times of need, it creates an imbalance that can be difficult to repair.” In our OP’s case, Jason’s absence during his crisis and his sudden return now illustrate a stark inconsistency in his commitment.
Dr. Gottman further emphasizes that, “The ratio of positive to negative interactions is a significant predictor of relationship longevity.” Here, the scales have tipped heavily toward the negative. OP’s repeated experience of emotional abandonment, juxtaposed with his attempt to re-enter her life without addressing past wounds, indicates that the necessary foundation for a renewed partnership is absent.
Her decision to move on, even amid external pressure to show compassion, is an assertion of self-respect—a step toward prioritizing her own well-being over a relationship marked by inconsistency.
Moreover, experts in grief counseling stress that unresolved grief can distort perceptions of past relationships. While it’s natural to feel sympathy when someone loses a loved one, expecting a partner to temporarily suspend their self-protection and revert to an old relationship is unfair.
Dr. Gottman advises, “Clear communication and realistic expectations are essential, particularly when past trauma is involved.” OP’s reluctance to reopen a chapter that left her feeling secondary is both understandable and necessary for her personal growth.
The broader lesson here is that a relationship’s health relies on both partners being emotionally available and committed to mutual support. Jason’s previous departure during a family crisis left OP with a painful void that no simple apology or renewed offer can fill.
By choosing not to re-engage with him, she asserts that her emotional safety and self-worth must come first. In doing so, she sets a clear boundary that signals any future partnership must be built on trust and consistent support—a standard that her former lover failed to meet.
In summary, while empathy for someone facing loss is important, it does not require one to become the fallback option for someone who has repeatedly proven unreliable. The wisdom of setting healthy boundaries, as advocated by Dr. Gottman, shines through in OP’s decision to prioritize her future over a past relationship that no longer serves her.
Here’s what the community had to contribute:
Overall, the redditors are in strong agreement with OP’s decision to cut ties with Jason. Many feel that his behavior—leaving during his crisis and then reappearing only once the storm had passed—clearly shows he never truly valued or supported her.
The community criticizes his attempt to treat her as a fallback option, emphasizing that a partner should stand by you in your time of need, not vanish. Most agree that OP’s decision to prioritize her own well-being and move forward is entirely justified, and they commend her for setting healthy boundaries rather than allowing herself to be used once again.
Ultimately, love should be a partnership of mutual support and respect. Our OP’s decision to cut ties with Jason—despite the complex web of grief and shared history—is a powerful statement of self-worth. While some might argue that compassion should prevail during times of loss, no one should be forced to reopen a chapter that left them feeling abandoned. What would you do if faced with an ex who reappears after a crisis, expecting a second chance? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below!
