AITAH for telling my BIL and his wife that I don’t want to follow their birth plan?
In the high-stakes world of surrogacy, emotions run high when personal autonomy clashes with the intended parents’ expectations. This AITA story follows a 34‑year‑old surrogate who, after years of helping her family navigate infertility, found herself at odds with her brother-in-law Simon and his wife Michelle over their rigid birth plan.
Despite her previous experiences and clear wishes regarding her labor, a heated confrontation over an unmedicated water birth left her questioning if she’s in the wrong. This post dives into the complex dynamics of surrogacy, the importance of personal agency during pregnancy, and the fallout when family expectations become too controlling.
‘AITAH for telling my BIL and his wife that I don’t want to follow their birth plan?’
When it comes to birth plans, the key principle is simple: the pregnant person’s well-being and comfort must come first. Obstetrician Dr. Emily Harrison explains, “Every birthing experience is unique. A birth plan should reflect the personal choices and health needs of the person giving birth, not someone else’s idealized vision.” In surrogacy, this principle is even more critical because the surrogate’s autonomy is paramount, especially given the emotional and physical challenges she already faces.
Dr. Harrison further adds that while intended parents’ wishes are important, they should never override the surrogate’s right to decide what is best for her body and her labor process. “When surrogates are pressured to follow a strict birth plan that doesn’t align with their past experiences or comfort levels, it can lead to unnecessary stress and even complications during delivery,” she notes. Such stress can negatively impact both the physical and emotional aspects of childbirth.
Birth plan disputes are not uncommon, especially when different parties have competing ideas about how the birth should unfold. In cases where surrogates have experienced traumatic or painful births before, like our OP who endured a difficult unmedicated birth previously, insisting on a method that replicates that experience can feel both unsafe and emotionally damaging.
Respecting her previous experience and her medical judgment is crucial—not only for her health but also for maintaining a respectful surrogacy relationship. Moreover, birth is an intensely personal process, and forcing a surrogate to adhere to an unwanted method can undermine her confidence and overall well-being.
Healthcare professionals stress that effective communication and mutually agreed-upon birth plans can lead to better outcomes for everyone involved. When surrogates are given the autonomy to make decisions, they are more likely to have a positive birth experience, which in turn benefits the intended parents and the newborn.
Ultimately, the role of the surrogate is to provide a safe environment for the baby’s development and delivery. It is not to serve as a vessel for the intended parents’ ideals. In situations where control over the birth process becomes a battleground, it is the surrogate’s responsibility—and right—to advocate for her comfort and safety. The surrogate’s refusal to follow an imposed birth plan is a stand for bodily autonomy that should be respected, regardless of the emotional investment of the intended parents.
Here’s how people reacted to the post:
A summary of top comments reveals mixed reactions. Many community members support the surrogate’s right to control her own body, arguing that no one should be forced into an unwanted birth plan—especially when it involves painful past experiences.
Others, however, express sympathy for Simon and Michelle, who may feel entitled to influence every aspect of their child’s birth. The debate largely centers on the balance between fulfilling the intended parents’ dreams and respecting the surrogate’s personal autonomy.
This story spotlights the intricate challenges inherent in surrogacy agreements, where the emotional stakes are high and personal boundaries must be fiercely guarded. While the surrogate’s refusal to follow an unmedicated water birth may have upset the intended parents,
her decision to assert control over her own body is both understandable and, many argue, justified. With her due date fast approaching, she now faces the difficult task of reconciling her own needs with the expectations of those who desperately want their child.
What do you think? In surrogacy arrangements, should the intended parents’ wishes ever override a surrogate’s personal boundaries? Share your thoughts and join the discussion below.
