AITAH for starting the divorce process after finding out my daughter isn’t mine?
Infidelity and questions about paternity are among the most emotionally devastating discoveries a person can face in a marriage. In this story, our OP, a 33‑year‑old man, recounts the shattering moment when his wife revealed that their 3‑year‑old daughter isn’t biologically his. After seven years of marriage—and having raised the daughter as his own—OP was blindsided by the truth.
The revelation came after subtle changes in his wife’s behavior during and after her pregnancy, and ultimately, she confessed that she had been unfaithful. Feeling betrayed and overwhelmed with grief, OP immediately left, sought solace in a hotel, and started the divorce process.
Although some family members are urging him to forgive her for the sake of their daughter, his closest friends support his decision to move on. Now, OP is left torn between the love he once had for his wife and the betrayal that has forever altered their relationship. But is he the asshole for choosing divorce after discovering that his daughter isn’t his biologically?
‘AITAH for starting the divorce process after finding out my daughter isn’t mine?’
The OP’s dropped an update on the saga—curious? Click here to check it out!
Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist known for her work on betrayal trauma, notes, “Infidelity, especially one that leads to questioning paternity, is a profound betrayal. It can fundamentally change a person’s perception of the relationship and their sense of self.
In cases where trust is completely shattered, continuing the marriage can be emotionally unsustainable. The decision to divorce under such circumstances is not inherently selfish—it’s a form of self-protection and a way to prevent further emotional harm.”
Family therapist Dr. Susan Johnson adds, “When one partner discovers that they are not the biological parent of a child they have been raising, it creates a complicated mix of grief, betrayal, and identity crisis. It’s entirely reasonable for the affected partner to reassess the future of the relationship. Although co-parenting is possible, the foundation of trust must be intact, and in this case, it appears irreparably damaged.
Both partners need to decide if forgiveness and rebuilding are possible, or if separation is the healthier path.” Both experts agree that while it’s a painful decision, OP’s choice to start the divorce process is justified if he feels he cannot trust or emotionally invest in a relationship that has been so deeply violated.
See what others had to share with OP:
Many redditors empathize with OP, emphasizing that if trust is completely broken, it’s not only acceptable but often necessary to move on. “No amount of love can fix a relationship if you’re living with a lie,” one commenter stated.
Ultimately, OP’s decision to start the divorce process after learning that his daughter isn’t biologically his appears to stem from a deep sense of betrayal and a loss of trust that he cannot rebuild. While he has raised the child with love, the discovery has altered the foundation of their relationship irreparably.
Do you believe that the emotional toll of such a betrayal justifies ending the marriage, or should one attempt to rebuild trust for the sake of the child and long-term stability? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below—what would you do if you found yourself in a similar situation?
You can start a new life if you love her and she loves you. Why she waited for 3 years to confess? Was it that she would find out as she got older and do a DNA test to find her background. Was the guilt too much gor your wife? What would she have done if the intructor asked her to continue and just let you raise the child? Depending how you feel, her sincerity, and truly sorry, you can divoce her and just leave or divorce her and remarry her with treating your wife and her child as a new couple.
If she did it once, she’ll do it again.
This is a tough situation. A living hell in fact. I know. I’ve been through the exact same thing. Together for 15 years. Only woman I ever loved. I thought we were blissfully happy. Still remember the day she called and told me she was pregnant. I was so happy. Hing up the phone and for whatever reason, did some quick mental math and was thinking ‘how’? The month of conception I was traveling a ton and she was home visiting her family. I told her I was happy but just wondering how. She flips out and accuses me of not wanting the baby and if I don’t think it’s mine she will leave and I’ll never see her or the baby again. So I relent, figure I am just being stupid. Fast forward to 9 years later. We are still together. Still happy. Have a beautiful daughter about to turn 10. Great kid. I’m working from home one day and my girl is in the other room with her best friend. They start to argue over I don’t know what and I hear her best friend say, “I’m going to tell him everything” and she storms out. My girl is freaked out, visibly shaken and asks me to promise to not talk to best friend because she is going to try and cause a problem and make up stories. Alarms are going off like crazy. This is not normal. So I say, “I promise. I promise I am going to go talk to her right now”. And I leave before she can stop me. Best friend says it’s nothing and she was just angry and talking trash. I wasn’t buying it. I kept pressing and finally she says, “maybe you should get a dna test and then depending on results you two can sit down and talk. That’s all I’ll say”. I was caught between rage and agony but kept myself together. Immediately ordered the test and had it administered and set off to the lab. I will never forget the day the results arrived. There it was. Big black and white letters. Concerning my daughter, the percentage chance that I am the biological father….0%. Worst day of my life. My heart was ripped out of my chest. So I go home and show her and her response is, “it’s wrong. She is yours”. No guilt. No remorse. No admission. Just denial. I never wanted to look at my now ex ever again. I would certainly never touch her again. But I loved that little girl and I was the only dad she knew since the day she was born. She is innocent in this cluster f**k. I should have trusted my gut. My intuition. My math. But I didn’t. My whole life crashed down at once. 15 years shot to hell. Wasted. I tried to stay and forgive her but it didn’t work. I had too much rage and anger. I could not get past it. I then found out that for more than 10 of the 15 years we were together, she was cheating with the same guy. He even got her pregnant a second time and made her have an abortion. I didn’t even know she was pregnant until she called me to tell me she had a miscarriage and it was a boy. How evil? Why even tell me that if I didn’t know she was pregnant? Then, as my daughter got older, she started to look exactly like the other guy. I love this kid but I look at her and want to go find this guy who is a total piece of garbage. Devoid of any honor or integrity. Long story short…the relationship was broken beyond repair. A betrayal of the highest magnitude. But I still take care of my daughter. I could not walk away from her. In her mind, I’m her bad. I still love her to death but I will never be the same person I was prior to it all. I cannot trust another woman. I don’t even want to try. I love spending time with my daughter and then go home and wallow in my grief and anger about what happened and relive all the emotions over again like it was Groundhog Day. So my advice to the OP is get out now and get away from them and take all the time needed to not blame yourself and try to get back to living life. Don’t waste a moment. Don’t live with the rage and hate and pain. The only way to do that is to separate yourself from them and never look back. I know. I’m still trying to recover. I wish this on no man. I’m sorry to hear it happened. Be strong but understand that everything is different now and will never be repaired. Good luck.