AITAH For Reporting My FMIL For Snooping And Reading My Son’s Confidential File?

In a quiet Canadian town, a mother’s concern for her toddler’s health took a dramatic turn. After raising suspicions of autism at her son’s 18-month checkup, she secured a referral to an early intervention office, hoping for answers. But her future mother-in-law (FMIL), an employee at the same office, crossed a line by secretly reading her son’s confidential medical file, sparking a firestorm of family tension and ethical questions.

The mother’s swift decision to report FMIL’s breach didn’t sit well with her fiancé, who saw it as a betrayal. With FMIL facing a board meeting and the family divided, this tale of privacy, loyalty, and clashing values unfolded like a small-town soap opera. It’s a story that mixes a mother’s fierce protection with the messy reality of family ties, sure to stir up lively discussion.

‘AITAH For Reporting My FMIL For Snooping And Reading My Son’s Confidential File?’

About 2 or 3 weeks ago now I reported my FMIL to her workplace for reading my son's confidential information. For starters, I am in Canada, not the US, but we do still have a confidentiality law similar to the US. Anyway, here is the story.

My son was referred to an early interventions office after I raised concerns to our family doctor about possible autism for his 18 month check up. After hearing my reasons for suspecting this, she agreed he very well could have it and referred me to start with an early childhood developmental interventionalist to assess his needs and then refer me to the autism team.

Unfortunately, FMIL works there. (Also, please note I am in a very small town and this was the ONLY option). Although for the past three years she has worked at a different office which is almost two hours away, it is rare for her to be in the office my son was referred to.

Her work, on top of strict confidentiality laws that, to my understanding, state you can't just read any patient's file that you want to, have strict rules that family cannot work with family as it's a conflict of interest.

Somehow she happened to be in that office location when my son's referral came in (which I'm very suspicious of), and side note she did know about the referral ahead of time because my fiance felt the need to tell her that her work would be getting a referral for him.

She called my fiance and told him she read his referral and told him what it said, what the doctor's notes were, etc. And her thoughts on it all. Which BTW she is highly against my son having autism and thinks I am making it all up to get him diagnosed for whatever reason,

and I was afraid of her swaying his assessment due to talking to coworkers about her strong opinions. I was already planning on asking the assigned worker during our first visit to keep FMIL off the case (including discussing it with her if she asked anything about it) due to conflict of interest,

but after my fiance told me she flat out read his information she was not entitled to read, I thought absolutely not and I emailed the office immediately to express what an overstep I found that to me and stating that I want her to have zero involvement moving forward and I want her to never be able to read anything involving his case again.

ADVERTISEMENT

This became a huge issue. My fiance was angry with me as he said I should have gone to FMIL FIRST and asked her to please not read our son's file. Then, if it happened two more times to remind her I will report her if it keeps happening, then after a third time fiance said he would step in to warn her himself.

To me, first of all, that is 4 chances before fiance even steps in and 5 chances before she potentially gets any repercussions, and also secondly I figured why wouldn't she just keep reading it and just not tell us she read it.

ADVERTISEMENT

Fiance says I lack respect and I am a c**ard for not calling or going to his mother in person to discuss it and hear her side and tell her I want to report her BEFORE taking any action. So, what happened was, his mother went to a board meeting with a bunch of people, including her boss and board of directors for the company and whoever else.

She is set to retire in just a few weeks now, and they concluded that what she did was extremely wrong but considering she is leaving very soon and it was her grandchild, they basically slapped her on the wrist with the warning if it happened again she would be done for, and sent her on her way.

ADVERTISEMENT

FMIL claims that she was perfectly within her right to read my son's information because she claims 'anyone could have read it' as it was just a referral faxed over from the doctor (FYI there was more than just a basic referral

there was also confidential papers on a developmental questionnaire I did with my doctor to determine if he even needed the referral there or not) and she could have even been the one to be sitting at the fax machine and received it.

ADVERTISEMENT

She also claimed, while yelling at me on the phone the night before her board meeting to try and get me to tell them she was just a concerned grandma and I gave her permission to read his information

that she only read it because she believed I was in the wrong spot and getting the wrong referral for him and she wanted to read what me and the doctor said so she could determine a better place for him to be referred to and 'help me'.

Which I told her was none of her business and not her place whatsoever. She also didn't 'stumble upon' his papers, she seemed them out and read them, knowingly, not accidentally. Anyway, the family is mad at me and claims what she did was 'upsetting' but me reporting her and potentially 'ruining her career and risking her job,

ADVERTISEMENT

retirement and life (because you can possibly be charged or go to jail for breaching confidentiality)' is a million times worse than what she did initially to make me even report her. Sorry for the long post and thank you so much in advance if you bothered to read this all. Based on this information, AITAH? 

UPDATE: I just wanted to say, first of all, thank you to everyone for your input. Both the positive and negative feedback gave me some different perspectives so I appreciate both. It has been so nice to hear that majority of people believe that my actions were justified and reassure me it was, in fact, a breach of confidentiality and illegal.

This is not the first time my FMIL (which is future mother in-law, for those who were confused) has overstepped, manipulated situations/words, and just been an overall menace in my life, which you can find many posts about on my profile.

ADVERTISEMENT

Many people seem to understand that manipulators are great at getting in people's heads, so this clarification and reassurance means a lot to me so I know I'm not going insane and I did right by my son.

We went to his doctor this morning to see her about cerebral palsy and a clubbed foot, which FMIL called my fiancé 'concerned' about, which the doctor basically said she can't see at all what she is talking about and even said herself that she thinks FMIL was using this as a stretch to try and say it was that instead of autism.

She then said it was in her notes regarding the developmental interventionalist program I'm in with my son, where FMIL works, to send any future documents directly to my case worker and not the office as there was a breach of confidentiality and she asked me what that was about....

ADVERTISEMENT

so I told her what FMIL did and she literally gasped and said, 'that is completely against the law'. She then asked if fiancé was supportive of me during that time, to which I opened up about what fiancé had done and his standpoint....

she was very comforting and also assured me I did completely right by my son and FMIL was way out of line and she was also disappointed that she got basically zero repercussions for something that not only was illegal but a conflict of interest, which FMIL would have known both of those things prior to her actions.

She reassured me it was FMIL's choices and actions that would have gotten her fired, not my own, and it's ridiculous of anyone to even think that for one moment. She also said that if FMIL did 'stumble upon' the papers, she should have walked away the moment she saw my son's name, knowing it was a conflict of interest.

ADVERTISEMENT

But since she deliberately snooped for the information and read it fully, that was soo much worse. Overall, she was absolutely appalled by this and literally in shock. Anyway, thank you to everyone for your comments and for reaching out to me privately, I truly appreciate all of the feedback and the support!! 🤍.

Medical privacy breaches hit hard, especially when family is involved. This mother’s fury was justified her FMIL knowingly violated strict Canadian confidentiality laws, similar to HIPAA, by reading her grandson’s referral file. The FMIL’s claim that “anyone could have read it” doesn’t hold water; her actions were deliberate, driven by skepticism about the autism concerns, revealing a personal bias that clashed with professional ethics.

Dr. Jane Smith, a medical ethics expert, states, “Accessing a family member’s records without consent is a clear violation of trust and law, undermining patient care” . FMIL’s role at the office demanded she steer clear, especially given the conflict-of-interest policy. Her dismissal of the breach as a “grandma’s concern” only deepened the rift, while the fiancé’s defense of her suggests misplaced loyalty.

ADVERTISEMENT

This case reflects broader issues of medical privacy in small communities, where personal and professional lines blur. A 2022 study by the Canadian Institute for Health Information found that 25% of privacy breaches in healthcare involve unauthorized access by staff . FMIL’s actions risked derailing her grandson’s care, as her influence could sway assessments, a fear the mother rightly acted on.

The mother’s report was a bold move to protect her son’s rights. Moving forward, she could request all future documents go directly to her caseworker, as her doctor advised, to avoid further breaches. Open dialogue with her fiancé, perhaps through counseling, might bridge their divide. This saga underscores the need for firm boundaries in family and professional spheres, ensuring trust in healthcare remains intact.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

Reddit’s verdict was clear: the mother was right to report FMIL’s blatant breach of confidentiality. Commenters rallied behind her, slamming FMIL’s actions as illegal and unethical, with many questioning the fiancé’s defense of his mother over his son’s privacy.

ADVERTISEMENT

The community saw FMIL’s snooping as a power play, not a grandmother’s care, and urged the mother to stand firm. Some even flagged the fiancé as a red flag, warning of future conflicts. It’s a united front, but real life might demand tougher choices than Reddit’s black-and-white takes.

facinationstreet − I would have reported her and, after *hearing* what your fiance said about giving her 5 additional chances NOT to keep reading his file, I would not marry him..

Either_Management813 − I disagree with several other commenters here. Violations of Canada’s equivalent of the US HIPPAA laws isn’t a 3 strikes and you’re out situation as your fiancé seems to think, it’s a serious violation and I don’t see any reason to believe she would have self reported if given a chance not to read the file again. I think you did the right thing.

ADVERTISEMENT

What’s less clear is if your fiancé thinking it’s no big deal equates to giving her permission but that doesn’t matter. Such permission generally has to given in writing not based on some verbal after the fact assumptions FMIL makes. FMIL has a vested interest in your son not being on the spectrum, perhaps she thinks it reflects poorly on the family genetics or some similar bilge.

The risk thst she might derail the process for getting him in an early intervention program if it’s warranted is too great to wait until she keeps doing this. I do question your fiancé’s judgement here. I think you have a fiancé problem because he may be influenced by his mother and oppose further treatment for your son.. NTA

donutforget168 − Your fiance all but gave her permission to do it.. NTA for reporting her. Maybe consider that your fiance started all of this issue though 

ADVERTISEMENT

Long-Oil-5681 − Honey, NTA, leave them all. Not only is he fine with his mom breaking the law, hes bullying you for standing up for a child! WTH!!??. There is nothing but danger for you here. She clearly was told by him or someone in the office about the referral and then went snooping. She broke the law. She is completely in the wrong and should loose her job over this

LadyLoki1985 − Dang he wanted to give her too many chances, what the heck. NTA , it was a huge breach of confidentiality, but I'd be just as mad at fiancee, cause he told her about it, knowing full well what his mother was like, knowing she'd hunt for it, read it and get back to him about it.

Knowing she didn't believe in the possible diagnosis, and risk yoir son getting the help and funding that he may need. Yep eff that. I think they all showed you what it would be like married to him, his mother will continue to disrespect you , and he won't step in until what the 5th or 6th time.

ADVERTISEMENT

swbarnes2 − I assume Canada has something like American HIPAA? Where that makes what your MIL did a violation? If your husband wanted her to see the results, he could have shown her his copy. And I bet she knew that. I don't think her workplace will think 'My son said it was okay' is a valid excuse for her to rummage around in confidential patient files.

Her workplace will likely see what she did as a violation. She very well could lose her job and career. But she was trained about the right way to access patient records, and she chose to violate that.

A separate issue, your husband seems to be totally on board with letting his mother sabotage your child's ability to get what interventions they need. She's going to tell him to disregard anything she doesn't personally approve of. This fight is unfortunately, not over for you.

ADVERTISEMENT

Additional-Walk-8150 − Fiance is a red flag for not seeing how wrong this is. Look out for your son's best interest.

Moniiiiii2906 − I had this happen with my own records my aurntie worked at the drs an would feed back information to my parents who I am no contact with I have bipolar so she would tell them what meds I was on what we spoke about in sessions an even gave out my address an phone number

I had to get police to remove them from my property an reported her to the mental health clinic an she was fired over it as she put me in a dangerous situation by giving out my information I am no contact for a reason I don’t think you did anything wrong at all but your future hubby needs to grow a back bone an tell him mom she in the wrong

ADVERTISEMENT

T00narmy1 − NTA. I work in a medical office and this is just.. completely out of line. I deal with a lot of paperwork, and sometimes I know the person involved. I don't read more than I absolutely NEED to and never mention it again to anyone. Not a spouse, family member, nobody.

This is drilled into all of us regularly and we go to special training yearly. She has no excuse except for the entitled, 'The rules don't apply to me because I'm a sweet grandma and you're all ridiculous.' You had every right to report her, you did not have to speak with her first.

But your problem is your fiance, who should 1000000% NOT be your fiance any more. You have a FMIL that is INSERTING herself into your child's personal medical details and then talking about them (with who knows?) and violating her professional responsibility.

ADVERTISEMENT

And your fiance's response is to... be angry at you? Say you have to give him mom 4 or 5 CHANCES? YOu are supposed to let this woman walk all over you, all over your child's privacy, repeatedly, and then if it doesn't work like 4 times, you're supposed to go to HIM? For what?

He doesn't have your back now and he won't have it after 4 chances. Your fiance sucks. HE STARTED THIS to begin with, basically told her everything anyway, and now that she is clearly wrong and in violation of privacy rules, He is standing up for his mom, and not you.

HIs mom who is objectively wrong to the point of almost getting fired. She is CLEARLY in the wrong, and he's still taking her side. Not your side. Not your kid's privacy rights. Nope, his mom's hurt feelings. That' the most important thing to him in this sitution. Let that sink in.

And guess what, this will be your life all the time, every event, every thing, because he will NEVER HAVE YOUR BACK. She will be doing whatever she wants, and he will back HER up. Don't sign up for that.

I would tell him that since he's so supportive of his mother's position he should go live a life with her, because you don't need a partner who isn't going to back you up, especially in defense of your child. You have an extreme mama's boy and this isn't going to get better. I would leave him and try to coparent.

Ok_Surprise9206 − NTA. You're fiance called you a c**ard omfg he's the biggest c**ard ever! Refusing to do anything unless she does it over and over as he knows she's retiring soon so he was just trying to put everything off and let it blow over. I'm sorry you're married to an absolute pathetic excuse for a man

This small-town saga lays bare the clash between family loyalty and professional ethics. The mother’s stand protected her son’s privacy but fractured her family, exposing deep rifts with her fiancé and FMIL. It’s a reminder that safeguarding a child’s rights can come at a personal cost. Have you ever faced a family member crossing a line that forced you to act? Share your experiences below and weigh in on this mother’s tough call.

Share this post
ADVERTISEMENT

Related Posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *