AITAH for not letting my wife keep her old habits after we had a baby?

In a cozy suburban home, where the faint scent of baby formula lingers, a father juggles diaper changes and teenage banter, feeling the weight of solitude. His wife, once his partner in late-night talks, now dashes off to dog shows and horseback trails, leaving him to wonder if their family is more like a pit stop than a home. This tale, plucked from Reddit’s buzzing AITA forum, captures a husband’s plea for balance as his wife’s passions pull her away from their newborn and his two older kids.

The story tugs at the heartstrings, evoking the universal struggle of new parenthood and blended families. Readers can’t help but feel the sting of his frustration, wondering if he’s the villain for craving a partner who’s present. With vivid emotions and relatable stakes, this narrative sets the stage for a dive into family dynamics, inviting us to question where love, duty, and personal freedom collide.

‘AITAH for not letting my wife keep her old habits after we had a baby?’

So here goes, my (39m) wife (34f) is a very active person with time consuming hobbies and likes to spend time on those hobbies with her friends. This means sometimes she is gone for most of a weekend or a whole day every now and then. She also likes to help her friends (one in particular) with all of their problems any time of day, or sometimes night.

She also works pretty late so I usually pick our daughter (1f) up. It is worth mentioning that I have two kids from a previous marriage, (12f and 10m). Before we had our daughter and when we were discussing the possibility, I mentioned that it wouldn’t work with her busy schedule and she would have to make huge changes if we were going to have a child together.

She assured me she was on board with that and it wouldn’t be a problem. That year she went on 3 trips abroad without me, which was fine, but again I mentioned this would not be possible once we had a child. Fast forward to us having a 6 month old - now she wants to go on a hobby-related trip with her friends for 5 days, wouldn’t it be terrible if she was left out?

So long story short, I was guilted into letting her go. She of course doesn’t miss any of those weekends either, and unfortunately they usually happen when I have my other children (I have them every other week). I feel it is really difficult to take good care of them when I am alone with them and their baby sister as she requires almost all of my time and attention.

Another thing she has never taken a summer vacation with me because she is always too busy. This is ok but not ideal as I am really bad at finding fun things to do with the kids on vacation. However, now she actually wants to go abroad for another hobby related thing during my summer vacation with the kids!

Not only do I find this unfair to me but the kids as well, but she is pressuring me with guilt about how important this is to her and that her mother can take care of our daughter - I dont want to leave her with her grandmother for a week! I am writing this on easter sunday, alone with our daughter because she is on a road trip with her friend all day.

She notified me of this didnt ask me or discuss it, just let me know. This samr friend wanted her to take a drive with her at 3 am a few weeks ago, they apparently had to take someone to the airport. I said forget it, you have a baby (her friend does not) and I’m sick of this. She relented but calls me controlling for interfering (she was complaining about being sleepy all day next day, I wonder how tired she would have been!).

So I guess what I am looking for is am I really being controlling or am I right and this is just not acceptable behavior for a family? I sometimes feel like we are just roommates who sleep together and have a child together rather than an actual family...

Update: Since this has come up so many times, her hobbies are mostly dogs and horseback riding. She breeds dogs and to a much smaller extent, horses. These hobbies do not generate income except barely to cover the costs of doing them and therefore I call them hobbies - and more importantly, she agrees with this assessment.

Which brings me to the next point - she found this post and understandably got a bit upset about all the negativity here and felt that I had painted an unfair looking picture. She is probably right because I was writing the original post while my youngest daughter was still awake and I was feeling upset myself.

Let me try to rectify that. She does take care of our daughter a lot. On weekdays I go to work in the morning but she usually doesnt go until after 12, so she takes care of the mornings. She has also taken the brunt of the nights when problems occur, because I simply couldnt function at work if I did and she had done a remarkable job at this. She also very often puts her to bed in the evening.

So saying n**ty things about her neglecting her daughter is not true. Also, I do not want to force her to quit her hobbies, that is not the issue and never has been. I guess what I want is consensus about things like suddenly going out for all of easter sunday to take pictures of dogs in nature, not just being informed about it with little advance. Discussing things, making plans together, that it what family should do..

Edit 2: First of all, I just want to say that most everyone is blowing this out of proportion and read all kinds of things into everything I have said. I have seen many quoting me on something I never said. As my previous update and the comment from my wife indicate, things are not nearly as bad as some have imagined from the original post, which may have been poorly worded and even a bit overly dramatic.

It is just that there are periods where her presence, or rather lack thereof feels quite insufficient and this results in built up frustration on my part. Especially when plans are made without consulting or even discussing them at all beforehand. One of the handful of useful comments was someone who had been in a similar situation but reversed and pointed out that he didnt realize the situation even if it was pointed out to them.

I am optimistic that we can improve things. As for those who said n**ty things about her, you are making leaps of logic and assuming the absolute worst about people. I hope you see the error of your ways because nothing you have said is true. There have also been a lot of negative comments directed at me, even calling me a misogynist. That is hilarious and nothing is further from the truth.

I dont know what else to say about it, but feels like many of those are actually misoandrists themselves. So thank you to those who were nice and helpful. I must say I overestimated the value in posting about these kinds of problems, especially since it can be extremely difficult to give a good enough picture for people to truly understand and not make leaps of logic to fill in the blanks.

I love my wife and children and I know that she loves me and them all too. I doubt I will make another update. Everything will be fine, and we will continue to work toward a balance in the work/play/family puzzle most of us are struggling with.

Navigating family life with a newborn and stepchildren is like walking a tightrope, and this husband’s story teeters on the edge. The core issue? His wife’s commitment to her hobbies—dog breeding and horseback riding—clashes with his need for a present partner. While she views her trips as vital to her identity, he feels abandoned, juggling their 1-year-old and his older kids alone. Both perspectives stem from valid needs: her pursuit of passion and his call for shared responsibility.

This tension reflects a broader issue: balancing personal identity with family obligations. A 2021 study from the American Psychological Association found that 68% of new parents struggle to maintain hobbies, often leading to resentment if roles aren’t renegotiated (apa.org). Here, the wife’s unilateral decisions, like the Easter Sunday trip, sideline the partnership, fueling his frustration.

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, notes, “Successful couples turn toward each other’s bids for connection, even in small moments” (gottman.com). In this case, the wife’s absence during key family times dismisses her husband’s bids, eroding trust. Her contributions—like handling mornings and nights—show care, but the lack of discussion undermines teamwork.

To move forward, they could try structured communication, like weekly check-ins to plan family time and hobby schedules. Marriage counseling, as suggested by Reddit, could help them align priorities.

Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Reddit’s hive mind didn’t hold back, dishing out advice with a side of sass. From clever quips to heartfelt tips, here’s a peek at the community’s take on this family drama—unfiltered and ready to spark debate.

Own_Armadillo_416 − Maybe book a ticket away for yourself for a week when you don’t have your older children. It’s your turn and it’s time for the tables to turn.

OkapiEli − OP, you are getting lots of advice about the marriage. Most of it is spot-on. I’m popping in about the kids. By your own admission: You are not good at coming up with things for the baby and the older two at the same time. Don’t. For the next couple years it is ALL ABOUT THE OLDER TWO.

The baby is PORTABLE. You get two separate backpack/diaper bags so there is ALWAYS one ready to go, and you grab and go to wherever the older ones are going. Then keep Little One in sight, in a stroller, in your arms - as you cheer for and buy tix for Big Two.

As SOON as you get home flip the backpacks so the fresh one is at the door (clean clothes, extra diapers & wipes, snacks) and before you go to bed start to refresh the first pack. This will only last a couple years before Big Two push off and do not want your company. CHERISH this time. Keep your eyes open for things like Water Park for Big Two with a toddler Splash Pad.

By the time they push away, Little One is ready for play dates and hands-on science museum. You are not the only one dealing with this. And honestly were you really that involved when the older ones were small? I’m thinking if you had been, you wouldn’t be so lost now. So do it right.

sog96 − Tell her that you both need marriage counseling.

Extreme-Read-2276 − What is hobby related trips? What are these hobbies?

EntertainmentClean99 − For everyone else, people do not change because you got married or had a child. Who they were BEFORE those things is who they will be after. Make your choices accordingly. . For OP I am really sorry I don't know what to tell you because I don't think she'll change. 

Finror − So you married a horse woman, and are mad she's still a horse woman?

Goge97 − Letting your wife???

Pigmansweet − The other red flag was “I’m not good at finding fun stuff to do with the kids”. Weaponized incompetence

JayPanana225 − MORE INFO NEEDED. How often are these trips. Within the last 6 months how often has she gone, for how many days. Out of the last 4 weeks how often has she gone away?. Your tone makes me have a lot of questions.

OceanvilleRoad − Are dog breeding and equestrian events something your wife makes income from? I guess my real question is if your wife has a job/ income in addition to dog/ horse activities?. Are you employed? It sounds as if your wife has access to very significant income..

Are you involved with her dog shows and equestrian events? Would you like to be? Part of me thinks it could be exciting for you and the children to be more involved with her world and it would allow more time together as well. You certainly deserve to be supported in your own work and interests though..

It sounds like she has covered some bases such as offering her mom as a sitter for the baby. Marriage counseling would be critical. It will help you both in describing what you each need from each other and if it is do-able. Best wishes to you and your family.

These Reddit hot takes are spicy, but do they cut to the core of the issue? Or are they just armchair critics tossing shade?

This Reddit saga leaves us pondering the delicate dance of marriage, parenthood, and personal dreams. The husband’s cry for a present partner clashes with his wife’s zest for her hobbies, painting a picture of love stretched thin. With expert insights and Reddit’s fiery takes, we see no easy answers—just a call for communication and compromise. What would you do if your partner’s passions left you feeling like a solo parent? Drop your thoughts below and join the conversation!

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