AITAH for not extending sympathy toward my SIL’s for having miscarriages?

A woman feels increasingly detached from her sister-in-law’s repeated miscarriages and “rainbow baby” narrative. Her SIL, Carol, and brother-in-law Seth are determined to have five children before age 30, already raising three in a cramped two-bedroom trailer on family property. Carol struggles with unmanaged borderline personality disorder, severe alcoholism during non-pregnant periods, and a history of self-harm.

Despite knowing alcohol harms fertility and early pregnancy, Carol drank heavily (1–2 bottles of wine nightly) while actively trying to conceive—then grieved deeply when miscarriages occurred. The woman refuses to offer sympathy, walking away from conversations about “angels in heaven” or the new baby, believing the losses were largely self-inflicted. Her husband and MIL call her rude; she stands firm, refusing to “humor” what she sees as preventable tragedy.

‘AITAH for not extending sympathy toward my SIL’s for having miscarriages?’

The couple’s goal clashes with their reality and Carol’s untreated issues.

Heavy alcohol use continued despite pregnancy attempts and prior losses.

She walks away from sympathy-seeking conversations.

Carol’s unmanaged BPD, alcoholism during conception attempts, and history of self-harm create a high-risk environment for both her and any children. Heavy nightly drinking (far exceeding even moderate levels linked to miscarriage risk) while tracking ovulation and actively trying to conceive shows a disconnect between stated desire and action. The woman’s refusal to participate in grief rituals stems from frustration with preventable loss and exhaustion from past boundary violations (late-night calls, manipulation attempts).

Walking away protects her own emotional energy rather than enabling denial. Opposing views might argue that miscarriage pain deserves compassion regardless of cause, and her detachment appears cold or judgmental. However, when family members have repeatedly offered help—therapy referrals, childcare for appointments, reasonable call times—only to face lies, blame-shifting, or misuse, empathy erodes.

The woman isn’t obligated to perform sympathy for choices she sees as reckless. Broader perspective: untreated mental health and substance issues rarely resolve through “nice” enabling. Honest boundaries, even blunt ones, can sometimes be the kindest long-term act—though they rarely feel warm in the moment. The children’s welfare should remain the priority concern.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Most readers strongly support the woman’s stance, viewing her refusal to offer sympathy as understandable given the context.

Several commenters focus on Carol’s lack of desire for motherhood and the husband’s role in pressuring her.

A few add insight into BPD and substance use while urging intervention.

This situation reveals deep frustration when compassion feels repeatedly exploited or misplaced. The woman’s refusal to engage in grief rituals stems from exhaustion with preventable choices and concern for the existing children—not cruelty. Most agree she isn’t obligated to perform sympathy for a pattern she sees as reckless, especially after failed attempts to help.

Have you ever struggled to feel sympathy in a situation where someone’s choices repeatedly led to pain? How do you balance honesty with family harmony when mental health and addiction are involved? What would you do if a loved one kept having children in an unstable environment?