AITAH for finding exactly what my boyfriend wanted to find in an open relationship?

In a modern tale of heartbreak and rediscovery, our protagonist finds herself confronting a stark choice when her long-standing relationship begins to crumble under the pressure of unrealistic demands. With her ex-partner pushing for an open relationship and dismissing her intrinsic worth, the stage is set for a dramatic personal transformation. The emotional turmoil and sudden desire for independence are palpable as she reclaims her sense of self, inviting readers into a world where love, freedom, and self-respect intertwine.

The narrative paints a vivid picture of everyday life turned upside down—where meal choices, shared evenings, and even a birthday become battlefields for validation and understanding. Despite the painful memories and an atmosphere shadowed by emotional abuse, a spark of hope emerges, heralding a new chapter brimming with self-discovery and the promise of genuine connection.

‘AITAH for finding exactly what my boyfriend wanted to find in an open relationship?’

Me (31F) and my then boyfriend, now ex Matt(31m) split up about 6/7 months ago. We were together for 6 years and up until the 5^(th) year I thought we were verry happy. Sure we had our problems. I am not so good at cleaning an he wanted to me to do more in the household ( we did some things together and I cooked but most stuff were done by him, I worked more then him and not from home ) I wanted to spend more time together.

We never went to bed at the same time and except for watching a movie during dinner(only his picks, I never got to pick a movie only on my birthday) he would be gaming all the time and I would just do my on thing. But other than that I thought we were good. Until 1 day before my birthday.

I came home from my friend’s house and he sat me down and told me: he wanted an open relationship, he loved me but he thought that there was someone out there that he could love more and that person could make him happier than me. This was because he felt something was missing and he was feeling like this for 3 months now (we talked about getting engaged in these months) he talked about this with his best friend “Emily”(childhood friends).

Now I have always had the feeling he kind of had a crush on her but mostly she just wanted to split us up (everybody that knows her doesn’t like her and say she does everything for drama and didn’t want to share her friends). So when I heard she kept telling him all the amazing things about an open relationship and he complained about me to her for three months (I was not allowed to read any off it).

I already was in therapy because I was not doing well and this just broke me. I kept begging him to stay with me(stupid I know), that if he does love me than what is the problem? But I would not go for an open relationship. We talked the hole month (one of my worst birthday, I couldn’t stop crying) and decides to work on the relationship by figuring out what it was he missed, see if it was something we could work on or not.

So I found relationship exercises. 3 months go by, it did not get better. I broke only more, by hearing almost daily how I am not enough, how he wants an open relationship, thinks there is someone better. It turned out he didn’t do any of the exercises. When I had enough and was to broken to go on, told him I was close to brake up with him, he said: you would never brake up with me, you love me to much.

I said: ok fine, let’s just do the open relationship for 3 months. We can both figure out what it is that is missing and if someone would make us happier. We made rules and after the 3 month we would close it and see if we would stay to getter or not. I felt so unlovable. But within a day I had my first date and it turned out a lot of guys liked me.

I went out with some and they treated me so nice, I felt beautiful again and I liked to dress up and go to places. He could not get a single date (HA) so he got mad at me. And started telling me the only reason I got dates was because I am a woman and that’s it.

While all this was happening my best friend James (32m) went to the same thing with his girlfriend (she wanted to have the open relationship, told him she was better than him) we really helped each other during all these months and (Maby out of anger to our partners) decides at one point to become friends with benefits. But, we fell in love. Love I had never felt.

I found what M says he was gone look for. J is so nice and sweet, tells me everyday that he loves me and cant believes he is with me. The moment I found out I loved J I broke up with M. if I can love someone else I didn’t love the first guy anymore. I didn’t tell him about my love for J( why put salt in the wound) but told him all the things we talked about and the fact that after 2 months he got a date and broke all our rules was just the last straw.

6 months later me and J are moving in together so I asked M to come pick up his last tings. He started crying when he was here and told me I am a terrible person that I moved on so fast after 6 years. I made him feel he didn’t meant anything to me and how could I do this to him. He talked about this for 2 hours.

He didn’t let me speak and then begged me to take him back. He knows how to make me doubt myself and make me feel like a terrible person, which I do. I feel absolute terrible for moving on so fast. I know I hurt him deeply by it.. So AITAH for moving on so fast and basically finding what he was looking for in the open relationship.

Letting your partner demand an open relationship can feel like a disorienting and painful challenge. In this case, the OP’s struggle is emblematic of a deeper issue in many relationships where power imbalances and emotional neglect take hold. Her experience reveals not only the fallout of unmet needs but also the subtle ways in which emotional abuse can erode self-worth over time. The failed promises and constant criticisms add up to a toxic environment that eventually forces one to break free.

The OP’s situation highlights a classic dilemma in relationships when one partner’s needs suddenly and unilaterally change. Research in relationship dynamics shows that when one person repeatedly invalidates the other, the relationship often loses its foundation. Studies have indicated that couples with clear communication are better equipped to handle such crises; however, in this instance, the lack of open dialogue and the imposition of unfair expectations deepened the divide, leaving lasting scars on emotional health.

Broadening the issue, this narrative reflects a growing trend where modern relationships face pressures from non-traditional expectations, such as open relationships. While some couples thrive on ethical non-monogamy, experts warn that the key is mutual enthusiasm, not forced change. According to relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, “The key to a successful relationship is not about finding the perfect partner, but about building a partnership based on mutual respect and open communication”. His insight reminds us that individual needs must align with shared relationship values to sustain long-term commitment.

Finally, the discussion turns to potential pathways for healing. Relationship therapists emphasize establishing healthy boundaries and engaging in honest conversations about expectations. For individuals emerging from emotionally draining partnerships, rediscovering self-worth is paramount. Seeking therapy, joining support groups, or even discussing experiences on forums like Reddit may serve as vital steps toward recovery. Ultimately, the advice is simple: respect yourself enough to choose paths that lead to genuine happiness, even if it means starting over.

Here’s how people reacted to the post:

The overall sentiment among commenters is one of strong support for the OP’s decision to move on. Many expressed that her ex-partner’s insistence on an open relationship was unreasonable and even manipulative, with several highlighting that his behavior crossed into emotional abuse.

Commenters celebrated her courage in reclaiming her self-worth and finding genuine love elsewhere, noting that his objections mostly stem from wounded pride rather than valid concerns. This summary encapsulates the community’s approval of her choice to prioritize her happiness and mental well-being.

Grave-mortal666 − Congrats on finding love and happiness! Sounds like your ex was just salty that he couldn't get any dates in the open relationship. Don't let his pity party bring you down.

Nightshade_69Realm − Sounds like

forgiveprecipitation − A man who can’t let you pick movies (only on your birthday? Wtf) this does sound like a bad relationship already.. Glad you moved on

Turbulent_Ebb5669 − NTA He found out you play stupid games.....

OfficeExtra8514 − Absolutely love this for you!. No need to feel bad.. He’s just upset you got what he was actually looking for.. He definitely wouldn’t be crying and carrying on this way if he had have found someone else.

Technical_Pumpkin_65 − Why people continue to ask opening their relationship when we know how it will end it?! You lost your love for him before opening the relationship,he was the one who treat you badly for months and ruined anything that will be saved. Don’t allow him to spread his cheat on you ever again,cut him in his monologue,and expose how dumb and easily persuaded by his supposed bff Emily when he force the open relationship !

Everybody hates her because everybody can see through her manipulation expect him that’s why he will always be alone if he don’t work on himself. Tell him to go on therapy and improve himself rather blaming everyone, he is the one who push you away now you will not feel sorry to find love!. And good for you to have found love ! I wish you both happiness

NoraFae − You were NOT in an open relationship. You were in an abusive one. I am myself a non-monogamous person and let me tell you this. An OR is supposed to fall into ENM (Ethical non monogamy), for that to actually happen there needs to be real, consensual and enthusiastic interest from all parts implicated. That did not apply to you.

our boyfriend bullied you and emotionally abused you and then pushed for an

Hate how scumbags use the excuse of open relationships and polyamory to abuse their partners and get their way. I am glad you found someone who loves you like you deserve. Glad for him too. Enjoy your new relationship and s**ew that abusive a**hole. You did nothing wrong girl, enjoy your new relationship!

Elliewick − NTA at al. You didn’t find what he was looking for (aka a second woman to adore him while he gave nothing in return). You found what any decent person deserves: a partner who loves and respect you as much as you love them!  He thought he owned you and that he had broken you enough to believe you didn’t deserve anyone better than him.

He would have geven you the same speech even if it had taken you 5 or 10 years to find someone else. His narsicistic ego is bruised, but it's entirely on him for gaslighting you and treating you horribly during your relationship (especially since he wanted to open it, but even before that he seemed to be am awful partner).

So be proud of yourself: you got out of an emotionally abusive relationship, rebuilded your self esteem, found a partner who sounds like he is actually food for you and dumped the manipulative ah. Now you are fading your final exam in the

So take pen and paper (or use reddit ;) ), sit down and start writing down how he treated you during your relationship. Then write down all the things you did for him and how you tried to accomodate him/how you tried to change the things he did not like/...

Read out loud after you are done and write in big ass letters:I DID NOT DESERVE THIS! over the 'essay'. Keep it somewhere safe, as a reminder that you should never again accept those kind of behaviors from people.. You are doing great, you did not do ANYTHING wrong and Matt is just a self centered POS.

Former_Star1081 − he wanted an open relationship, he loved me but he thought that there was someone out there that he could love more and that person could make him happier than me.. Who says something like this? NTA.

[Reddit User] − NTA I moved on fast too and suddenly I was everything my ex could ever want. That's highly unlikely I think he was just pissed because he considered himself the catch and me to be someone he could always have because I'm loyal and care. Twelve years later and I've been happily married to eleven years, three kids and just content. Don't let someone who made you feel less than for months pull you back in.

In conclusion, while the evolution of a relationship is never linear, this story underscores the importance of self-respect and honest communication when faced with abrupt changes in relationship dynamics. It challenges us to consider whether compromise is always the answer when emotional well-being is at stake.

What would you do if you found yourself in a similar situation? Share your thoughts, experiences, and advice in the comments below—your story might just help someone else navigate their own journey through love and heartache.

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