‘AITAH for considering leaving my wife who cheated on me 15 years ago now that our kids are in college?
When a painful betrayal lingers in the background of a long‑term relationship, it can feel like a constant shadow—even as life appears to move on. Our OP, a 53‑year‑old man, has been with his wife for 15 years, weathering ups and downs, healing wounds, and even rebuilding love after an affair that shattered his trust 15 years ago.
At the time, with their twin daughters only 3 years old, he chose to put his children’s well‑being first and work through the betrayal, following reconciliation steps that allowed their relationship to slowly mend. Despite the occasional romantic moments, the memory of that infidelity has never truly left him.
Now that their daughters have turned 18 and are off to college, our OP finds himself at a crossroads. With the kids grown and more independent, he’s seriously considering divorce. Although he still loves his wife, the hurt from her past betrayal remains an unhealed wound. The thought of continuing the marriage with that lingering pain is unbearable for him, and he wonders: Am I the asshole for contemplating a divorce now, after all these years, just because I still haven’t forgiven the betrayal?
‘AITAH for considering leaving my wife who cheated on me 15 years ago now that our kids are in college?’
Navigating the complexities of forgiveness and long‑term relationship repair is no small feat, especially when a betrayal continues to cast its shadow over a marriage. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist known for her work on relationship dynamics and forgiveness, notes,
“When a traumatic event, like infidelity, remains unresolved even years later, it can undermine the emotional foundation of a relationship, regardless of the outward appearance of stability.” ([kidshealth.org]) In the OP’s case, the unresolved pain from the affair is a significant factor in his decision-making process. Even though he stayed together for the sake of his children, the emotional residue of that betrayal still affects him deeply.
Dr. Durvasula explains that “forgiveness isn’t a switch that can be turned on and off; it’s a process that sometimes requires both time and active healing. If one partner continues to hold onto that hurt, it can lead to feelings of resentment and emotional distance, which are valid reasons for reconsidering the relationship.”
Meanwhile, family therapist Dr. Susan Johnson emphasizes the importance of addressing these deep-seated wounds through counseling. “If one partner isn’t able to let go of the past, it can create an emotional gap that, over time, may become irreparable,” she advises. In situations where long‑term hurt remains despite efforts at reconciliation, it’s crucial for individuals to assess whether the relationship is meeting their emotional needs.
The OP’s consideration of divorce—though heartbreaking—reflects a need for personal healing and the desire to live free from constant emotional strain. His inner conflict is not a matter of being ungrateful or unloving; it’s about the reality that unresolved pain can undermine the quality of a relationship, even after many years.
Here’s what the community had to contribute:
Many redditors empathize with the OP, noting that infidelity can leave an indelible mark on a relationship, even if both partners have tried to move on. They applaud his honesty in admitting that the betrayal still haunts him and believe that considering divorce in such circumstances is understandable.
In the end, the OP’s consideration of divorce after 15 years, driven by an unresolved betrayal, is a deeply personal decision that speaks to the challenges of forgiveness and long‑term healing. While he stayed for his children and tried to rebuild trust, the lingering pain of his wife’s infidelity continues to affect him.
What do you think? Should the weight of a past betrayal be enough to end a long‑term relationship, or is there a path to healing that could save a marriage? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below—what would you do if you found yourself in a similar situation?
My husband hurt me many years ago with an affair. He broke my heart, and when I thought we were done, he decided to do the work to save our marriage. I loved him always, but for many years that betrayal was always there too. It was hard, but so would be raising our girls separately. I am also disabled, and was fighting for both my VA and SSDi benefits. So financially it’s was extra hard to leave. I stayed, he worked to prove I was his priority. I tried to forgive, but the pain lingered. Then about 4 years ago (kids are grown, my disability is settled) I realized that I had a choice. I could continue to live carrying this pain, I could get a divorce and start anew, or I could truly forgive him, and live a happy married life with him. I spent a week mulling it over, really debating all the ways, and how things might play out. Then I made a decision, and I forgave him, and with that I am so much happier. We are so much happier. He made a terrible mistake. He broke us. He tried so hard to fix us, but he never could, because it was me that kept us there. He made a mistake. His “reasons” don’t excuse it (and he never tried to). But his dedication to fix it through the years of me staying near, but reserved, I know he felt it. He stayed and tried. And finally I let us be us again. I am so happy that we made it. It’s a whole different level of love. 4 years now and we are like newlyweds, always teasing and playing, lots of joking back and forth, and I know he is my biggest supporter. I can’t say how glad I am. We will hit 31 years this year, and this is us forever.
You go through your choices, play them out in your head, all the way, good things, bad things, and you decide which road is most likely to lead to true happiness for you. If that’s divorce, so be it (but remember her work, so be as kind as you can when you have this talk!). You get to choose, and you’re not the AH for that. I just wanted you to know that it’s not easy to really forgive, and it takes much time to even get to a possibly, but if you can (she’s proven you are her priority) it’s a wonderful thing to let go of.
What kind of husband were you 15 years ago, that your wife sought love and affection from elsewhere? You say you love her, but clearly you don’t, because love forgives and forgets. And for 15 years you have been licking your wounds, while you made her go the the pace of being a wife, constantly have to toe the line, albeit an invisible line, you drew in the sand. When a husband cheats everyone blames the wife, well so your wife cheated, and its your fault. Now it’s your turn to measure up.