AITAH for confronting a colleague who said she’d date me “if I weren’t Indian”?
In this post, the OP, a 27-year-old man of Kashmiri Pandit descent, recounts an incident at a resident meetup party where a colleague made a racially insensitive comment about his dating prospects. During the event, a female colleague remarked that she “would have dated him if he weren’t Indian,” which deeply offended him given the microaggressions he’s been experiencing for months regarding his cultural background.
Frustrated and exhausted by repeated comments that suggest he isn’t “Indian enough,” he snapped and told her, “Even if you wanted to, I wouldn’t date someone with your values.” Now, his colleagues are calling him an AH, claiming she was just insecure. The OP wonders if his confrontation was justified.
‘AITAH for confronting a colleague who said she’d date me “if I weren’t Indian”?’
Dr. Priya Desai, a cultural psychologist specializing in workplace diversity and microaggressions, notes, “The OP’s experience is a textbook example of how subtle, yet pervasive, microaggressions can accumulate over time and create an environment of exclusion and disrespect.”
Dr. Desai explains that while some comments might be dismissed as harmless banter, they can deeply impact one’s sense of identity—especially in environments where racial or cultural stereotypes persist. “When a colleague makes a remark like ‘I’d have dated him if he weren’t Indian,’ it not only questions the OP’s cultural identity but also reinforces harmful stereotypes that suggest there is a ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to be Indian,” she states.
Furthermore, Dr. Desai emphasizes the importance of addressing these comments rather than ignoring them. “Defending one’s identity in the face of persistent microaggressions is a healthy response. It sends a message that such remarks are unacceptable and can help educate others about the subtle forms of racism that often go unchecked in professional settings.”
She also adds, “It’s important to note that the OP’s response was measured and focused on values rather than attacking the individual’s identity. This is an effective way to confront the issue without resorting to overly aggressive language.”
Dr. Desai concludes, “In diverse workplaces, it is vital that all members feel respected and valued. When someone is repeatedly subjected to microaggressions, even if those remarks are couched in ‘compliments,’ it undermines their confidence and sense of belonging. The OP’s decision to confront his colleague is justified, as it challenges the normalization of such comments and defends his cultural identity.”
Heres what people had to say to OP:
Reddit users overwhelmingly support the OP’s stance. Many commenters argue that his confrontation was justified given the ongoing microaggressions he faces, and that her remark was not a benign expression of insecurity but an overtly racially charged comment. Several users praise him for standing up for his culture and identity without attacking her personally.
Others note that even if the comment was meant as a joke, it still perpetuates harmful stereotypes and must be challenged. The general consensus is that the OP is NTA, and his colleagues need to be more aware of how such remarks contribute to a culture of subtle racism.
This situation raises important questions about addressing microaggressions in the workplace. Is it acceptable to brush off racially insensitive comments as mere insecurities, or should they be confronted directly to challenge harmful stereotypes? How do you navigate standing up for your identity while maintaining professionalism?
Have you experienced similar instances of subtle discrimination, and how did you respond? We invite you to share your experiences and thoughts on how to foster a more respectful and inclusive environment, both in and out of the workplace.
