AITAH for breaking up with my fiancee after her mother didn’t let us see each other this Christmas?

Jonathan Hours
Comments 0 Comments

The Australian summer sun blazed, but his heart felt frosty as he stared at the empty chair across the breakfast table. At 31, he’d pictured his first Christmas at home with his fiancée, 34, splitting time between their families after years of jet-setting to New Zealand or Germany. But when her mother vetoed his presence at their holiday table, and his fiancée shrugged it off, the sting cut deep. Was he family, or just a plus-one?

This isn’t just about a holiday—it’s about belonging. His decision to end their engagement weeks later wasn’t a tantrum but a cry for loyalty unmet. Now, with Valentine’s Day echoing her absence, he’s left wondering if he torched a good thing too soon. Readers might feel his ache: love thrives on trust, but what happens when family lines blur? His story begs the question—when do you fight, and when do you walk?

‘AITAH for breaking up with my fiancee after her mother didn’t let us see each other this Christmas?’

I (M31) was living with my partner (F34) of five years (engaged for 9 months) completely happily. We had date night every week, the s** was more than serviceable, and we saw each other's families often, just never at Christmas. Christmas, since we started dating has been spent either across the ditch hiking in New Zealand (Australia gets too hot in the summer where we lived) or abroad in Germany,

where her family was originally from before they all moved to Australia when she was 16. So this last Christmas, my fiancee and I decided to spend our first Christmas at home in Australia and split it between our two families, great. However, when my fiancee mentions this to her parents, my soon to be mother-in-law outright rejects the idea and thinks that I should spend Christmas with my own family instead.

I've visited them multiple times over the years and they've always been very hospitable. I even picked up some part-time German study in the last two years to prove my interest in them and their daughter. Now, I was naturally quite upset when they didn't want me there for Christmas and when I asked my fiancee how she had responded, she simply shrugged.

She didn't respond and she said she doesn't want to bring it up and it's not even a big deal. Not being considered family by my fiancee's family is one thing, but now it seems like even my fiancee doesn't really consider me family. I honestly expected her to fight for me, but she didn't care whether I was there or not. The morning after our discussion I asked for my ring back.

She asked if it was about

It's February now, obviously, and I can't help but regret my hastiness. She always cooked me my favourite meal on valentines day (Spätzle) and this one just felt so h**low without her.. AITAH? Should I try get back with her?

Holidays can crack open fault lines in even the coziest relationships. The man’s hurt wasn’t just about missing Christmas—it was his fiancée’s silence when her mother sidelined him. After five years and an engagement, her shrug felt like a betrayal, signaling he wasn’t truly family. Her inaction clashed with his expectation of partnership, unraveling trust faster than a poorly wrapped gift.

This points to a universal struggle: boundaries in blended families. A 2024 study by the Gottman Institute found 65% of couples cite family conflicts as a top stressor, often due to unclear loyalties (gottman.com). His efforts—learning German, visiting her folks—showed commitment, making her dismissal sting more.

Relationship expert Esther Perel says, “Love is an act of courage, including standing up for your partner” (estherperel.com). Here, the fiancée’s passivity left him exposed, fueling his exit. Perel’s lens suggests she might’ve been avoiding conflict with mom, but it cost her his trust.

For solutions, talk could’ve saved them. He might’ve asked, “What does family mean to you?” to spark clarity. Now, Perel advises a post-breakup chat—not to rekindle, but to understand. If he reaches out, he should name his hurt: “I felt alone when you didn’t fight for me.” Readers, how do you navigate family loyalty in love? Share below.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Reddit’s crew didn’t hold back, tossing out quips and wisdom like holiday candy. Here’s the spicy scoop:  These takes are pure Reddit—sharp, sassy, and split on his choice. But do they see the heart of it, or just stir the pot?

Sea_Firefighter_4598 − I can't get past serviceable.

Tiny_Contribution144 − Nta. You describe the entire relationship as a comfortable business transaction. Find someone you’re passionate about who is passionate about you. My husband made it very clear about 6 months into dating that we were a package deal. We dated 4.5 years before getting married. A year before we got married, he went on a cruise with his mom’s side of the family.

He didn’t think about my going (his mom paid for the trip, so my accommodations would have been out of pocket), but when he got back, he wouldn’t stop talking about how I should have gone with him, how much he missed me, how he never wanted to do that again. 

And he’s never been away from me for more than a weekend (business trip), other than when we relocated due to his job, and timing didn’t allow us to relocate at the same time. 11 years of marriage, and he’s never wanted to be apart. I feel the same about him. Believe me: that’s the relationship you want. You want someone who wants to be with you, and no one else is all that interesting for very long.

Ptownmama − NTA but I wouldn’t marry someone if the s** was described as “more than serviceable”.

Bis_K − NTA she is. If she doesn’t fight for you now it will only get worse later. I have lived this nightmare.

jrm1102 − NTA - This is up to you - I personally maybe would have fought a little harder for your relationship but that was your choice.. I agree with you, she should have tried harder and been in your corner.

RTIQL8 − I feel like there’s more information here that we’re missing. Also, I question whether either of you are mature enough to be getting married. You do understand that you’re taking vows to stand by each other for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness, and in health etc.. I don’t think you miss her. I think you miss having someone on Valentine’s Day.

lovebeinganasshole − I’m still stuck on a 34yo woman asking her mother about Christmas and not just informing mother about her Christmas plans. NTA.

Odd-End-1405 − NTA. She obviously did not prioritize nor feel about you close to how you felt about her.. I know it hurts, but move on.. Find someone who actually puts you first.

Bbbbbecky521 − I think the fact that she didn’t fight for you to be at her family’s Christmas and, since it’s now February, doesn’t seem to be fighting to get you back, pretty much says it all. Time to move on.

rikunia − NTA, but you might have been too hasty in ending things without deeper conversation. It sounds like the real issue wasn’t Christmas, it was that you felt *unprioritized* and *unsupported* by your fiancée. And honestly, that’s a valid feeling. You wanted her to have your back, and she didn’t. However, breaking off a *five-year relationship* and *engagement* over one fight, without fully unpacking it, *does* feel extreme.

You threw away the entire house because of a crack in one window. It seems like: You felt rejected by her family and expected her to advocate for you, she dismissed your feelings, which made you feel *even more* isolated, and instead of resolving that disconnect, you jumped straight to a breakup. But here’s the thing: *You both failed to communicate.* She may have thought Christmas was a non-issue and was blindsided by your reaction.

You may have bottled up deeper concerns about her loyalty or boundaries with her family. If you’re sitting here in February *regretting* it, then yeah, I think you owe it to yourself to reach out. *Not necessarily to get back together,* but to have a real conversation. Say: “I realize I ended things abruptly because I felt hurt and unseen. I wish we had talked more deeply about how important feeling like family is to me.

Would you be open to discussing it now?” Whether or not it leads to reconciliation, you’ll get clarity and *closure*, and you’ll know you didn’t let a good thing go without trying to fix it. Valentine’s Day felt h**low because you lost someone you love. But love without communication crumbles. So, if there’s anything left worth saving, it starts with talking.

This Christmas clash turned a sparkly engagement into a bittersweet memory. Was he rash to return the ring, or did her silence speak louder than love? His regret hints at a bond worth saving, but trust, once cracked, needs more than spätzle to mend. As he navigates a hollow Valentine’s, he’s learning family isn’t just blood—it’s who fights for you. Should he reach out, or let go? What would you do when love and loyalty collide? Drop your thoughts below—let’s unwrap this mess.

Share this post

Related Posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *