AITAH for being mad about something that happened while my wife and I were dating?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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A flicker of doubt can unravel even the sturdiest of bonds, can’t it? Nearly two decades into a seemingly solid marriage, one man found himself wrestling with a ghost from the past—a casual dinner his wife attended with friends, including her ex, back when they were just dating. Picture a cozy living room, laughter over wine, and then a friend’s offhand remark that cracks open a long-buried question: was he ever truly the one? The sting of this revelation, though ancient history, lingers like an uninvited guest.

This story isn’t just about a single evening; it’s about trust, closure, and how the past can sneak up on us. Our protagonist, a devoted husband and father, grapples with feelings of being “settled for,” despite a life built on love and commitment. Readers might feel his unease, wondering: how much does the past really matter in a marriage that’s stood the test of time?

‘AITAH for being mad about something that happened while my wife and I were dating?’

I’ve been married for almost twenty years, and we have 3 kids. But I recently found out that while we were dating my wife (then girlfriend) went to dinner with a few friends that included an ex boyfriend. She attended with the intent of finding out if the ex had matured any since their relationship (he cheated on her a few times),

and when she found out he hadn’t, she moved on. At the time, we had been dating for a few months, and, at her prompting, considers ourselves exclusive. This was a long time ago, but AITAH that finding this out is really bothering me?

UPDATE: Got way too many comments to respond to individually, so I'll try and address them 'globally'. First, I don't feel my wife cheated; this was a large group dinner that my wife attended, knowing her ex would be there, but there were probably 12 or 15 people there, including many mutual friends.

I knew she was going, and knew her ex would be there. She did not try and hide that from me. What brought this up again was a conversation that occurred last weekend. A group of us were having dinner (no kids) and someone brought up the bullet they dodged by not getting back with an ex, and a mutual friend (my wife's college roommate, who set my wife and I up for our first date) mentioned that my wife had dodged a similar bullet, and then told the story I told in my initial post.

I'm probably not doing it justice in the post, but she referenced my wife specifically attending the dinner to see if he ex had changed. The reaction of my wife to this being brought up troubled me, though I think both of us did a good job of hiding the awkwardness in the moment. It bothered me from the moment I heard it, though I acknowledge that it may say more about me than it does my wife.

I haven't brought it up, though I know my wife can tell that something is bothering me. The combo of a bad childhood and the Army have made me decent to good at compartmentalizing, but it's hard to hide your feeling from your spouse, especially given the day-to-day chaos of life, work and kids.

I acknowledge that my feelings are at least somewhat irrational, though I haven't behaved irrationally (no yelling, fighting, calling a lawyer, etc). Commenters who reference that it's left me feeling like she settled for me are spot on about what I'm thinking, and I'd be lying if I didn't acknowledge that this particular ex always seemed like 'the one that got away' - no one in her life (family, friends, etc) thinks he's a good guy,

and I think everyone is happy she didn't end up with him, but it's clear she had deep feelings for him. Regarding 'dating as exclusive', I guess I am inclined to agree that it's pretty nebulous, especially when compared to being engaged or married, and it was only three months in, but my standard on this is how my wife would feel if the roles were reversed, and I know she'd feel much the same way I am feeling, or maybe more so.

At the time, we were in our late 20s, and both had dated and had relatively serious relationships in the past. She had dated more people than I had, but otherwise our experiences were pretty similar. I would finally add that our life and marriage is generally great. While we have the same ups and downs as most marriages, I don't really have any complaints. I also don't think of myself as an insecure guy, though my reaction to this has me questioning that.

Hope this additional context is helpful. P.S. I hadn't heard the term rage bait before - that's not what this is. I'm by nature fairly private, and this didn't seem to rise to the therapy level, and I maintain that Reddit comments are objective in the sense that no one on here knows me or my wife, so that's what made me post. And the comments are helpful.

Discovering a partner’s past action can feel like stepping on a emotional landmine, even after years of trust. This husband’s unease stems from a dinner his wife attended 20 years ago, seeking closure with an ex. Let’s unpack this with a neutral lens, chuckling lightly at how the past loves to stir the pot.

The OP feels unsettled, sensing he might’ve been a “second choice.” His wife, however, was likely tying up loose ends—common when transitioning to a serious relationship. Her transparency about the dinner, even back then, suggests honesty, not deceit. Yet, his insecurity is valid; it’s human to question. The opposing perspectives here—she sought clarity, he feels sidelined—highlight a classic trust tango.

This situation taps into a broader issue: how past relationships shape present bonds. According to a 2023 Psychology Today article, nearly 60% of couples face trust hiccups tied to exes . Closure, while healthy, can spark jealousy if not communicated well.

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, notes, “Trust is built in very small moments” (https://www.gottman.com/blog/trust/). Applied here, the wife’s choice to stay and build a life with the OP speaks louder than one dinner. Her actions over two decades affirm her commitment, outweighing a fleeting curiosity about an ex.

For the OP, open dialogue is key. He could share his feelings calmly, inviting his wife to clarify her intentions. Couples’ exercises, like journaling shared values, can rebuild trust. Readers, what’s your take—how would you navigate this?

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Reddit’s hive mind didn’t hold back on this one—here’s a batch of spicy takes, served with a side of humor!

TexasTundra22 − Ehh.. This is 9ne of those get angry, then get over it.. Happened while you were dating. Has not caused any issues.. Take it on the chin. You still got the girl. If this is your biggest problem, you got a great life

LucidOutwork − You're not an a**hole for how you feel, but really? 20 years later and you're bothered by this? By the way, she was making sure that she had moved on. She got closure so she was totally free to be with you. Be happy for it.

Ok-Quarter7024 − The fact that it was dinner with friends is different than her having dinner alone with her ex on a date, especially before you guys got married. You won, she married you and y’all have been married for 20 years. Have you ever googled an ex? Looked at their socials? Asked a mutual friend about them?

westofsane7 − Not necessarily an AH but this is sooooo not worth anyone's time. What are you going to do? Divorce her and return your three kids for a refund because two decades ago your now wife (then newly minted girlfriend) sought closure and realized she wanted you and not her immature ex? It was a dinner. Two decades and 3 kids ago. Bygones unless your marriage is terrible and you're looking for an out.

wats_dat_hey − She’s not even the same person anymore - you are getting mad at a ghost

calamnet2 − 20 years ago. What a waste of your time and energy.

Slight-Garlic534 − LMAO you gotta be shitting me....right? She was at a group dinner 20 YEARS AGO where her ex was present and y'all had been dating a couple of months? How insecure are you? If it's bothering you that much, you need therapy, my man....

shyfidelity − I dunno if this is a YTA situation exactly but it's a waste of energy to be mad about it now. Like...what are you going to do about it? Does it change anything about the last ~20 years?

ngroat − she chose you bro, you won.... 20 years ago lol. let it go. why be mad about it a lifetime later.

MommyMerest − NTA you are entitled to your feelings but also I wouldn't dwell on it too long. You had only been dating a few months at the time; some people need that closure in order to move on. If she hasn't given you any reason to doubt her loyalty all these years don't start now over something that happened when you were both different people. Holding on to these feelings could drive a wedge in your relationship and I'm sure if you really think about it, you don't want that.

These Redditors sure have opinions, but do they nail the full picture? Or is this just armchair therapy at its finest?

After 20 years, three kids, and a life woven together, one dinner shouldn’t unravel it all—but feelings don’t always play fair. This husband’s story reminds us how the past can poke at our insecurities, even in the strongest marriages. Should he let it go, or is a heart-to-heart with his wife the better path? What would you do if an old story from your partner’s dating days stirred up doubt? Share your thoughts—we’re all ears!

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