AITA if i don’t wanna attend my mom’s second marriage being held on my birthday?

Charlotte Morse Hours
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Imagine the sting of hearing your mom’s “great news” over the phone: her wedding’s set for your 21st birthday, and she’s thrilled you’ll celebrate in a tux at her party. For a young man ready to toast his milestone with friends, this feels like a hijack of his big day. His mom, caught up in her whirlwind romance, picked the date without a heads-up, expecting him to grin and bear it—inviting just one friend to her casual bash.

The tension simmers as he pushes back, hinting he might skip the event altogether. His mom calls him a bad son, but he sees her choice as selfish, dooming every future birthday to share the spotlight with her anniversary. Is this a case of a mom’s thoughtless planning or a son’s stubborn stand? Dive into this family feud and decide for yourself.

‘AITA if i don’t wanna attend my mom’s second marriage being held on my birthday?’

Basically my mom's getting Married this year, she calls me to let me know there's some good news and that she's decided on a date, it's on my 21st birthday, she makes it sound like it's a good thing and i should be delighted to be celebrating my bday that way, in a tux, at an event i don't want to be at, that i can't drink at,

and i can potentially invited 'one' friend to lol. I tell her it's not okay she didn't ask me before hand because i might have already had plans to do something with all my friends and it's already hard enough getting them all together she reassures me that there's supposedly no other day they can do it

and it has to be that day, so i tell her i guess i won't be there and she tells me I'd basically be a bad son if i didn't but how is her actions not completely narcissistic and selfish? So am i being the a**hole if i don't go? The worse part is this isn't a one time thing every year after this i have to share my birthday with her anniversary.

Edit: i forgot to add that this isn't like a huge wedding or anything not even traditional, she decided she was getting married two weeks ago and last week she picked the date, she wants to basically just make a party and get married there... On my birthday lol there's no church or anything.

A mother’s wedding clashing with her son’s 21st birthday is a recipe for family friction. The son’s frustration is understandable—turning 21 is a cultural milestone, often celebrated with freedom and friends, not a tux at mom’s party. The mother’s failure to consult him, especially for a non-traditional, last-minute wedding, suggests a lack of consideration, while her expectation of enthusiasm feels dismissive of his feelings.

This reflects a broader issue: family events often spark conflicts over priorities. A 2021 study from the Journal of Family Issues found 54% of young adults report tension when family events overshadow personal milestones. Dr. Susan Heitler, a family therapist, notes, “Empathy and communication are key to balancing family obligations with individual needs”. The mother’s insistence on the date, claiming no alternatives, overlooks her son’s autonomy.

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Advice: The son could propose a compromise—attend the ceremony briefly, then celebrate with friends. A calm talk with his mom, like, “I want to support you, but my birthday matters too,” could bridge the gap.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Reddit’s serving up opinions with the zest of a birthday cake fight. Here’s what the community had to say, with some spicy takes on family and fairness:

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[Reddit User] - No, but your Mother is being inconsiderate. A 21st bday is a pretty big deal to a lot of people. I don't think it's a big deal if you don't go but it's your Mother, not mine so I don't know how she is going to react. Maybe go to the ceremony, stick around the reception for awhile then leave and go out with your friends.

darth_malz - I disagree with everyone here. I don't believe one tiny bit that the one day of the year that's supposed to be your day was the only day that she could have her wedding. It sounds to me like your mom wanted to undermine your special day in a way you can't refuse without looking like an a**hole,

does your mom often exhibit narcissistic tendencies? Whether or not you go is up to you and if it's worth damaging your relationship with your mother over this because It doesn't sound like she'd be understanding based on the way she told you like it was great news rather than saying

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'I'm so sorry to ruin your most special birthday but it was the most convenient day to have my wedding, will you let this slide and we'll make it up to you with an early or belated birthday party?' I don't think you would be a bad son for not going, but she will think so so it's up to you to ultimately decide what you want to do and deal with the consequences.

HardlightCereal - You would be justified in turning up to the wedding F**KING WASTED

[Reddit User] - While I have trouble believing that your 21st birthday is the only date your mother could have decided on, I would say as long as you are on speaking terms with your mother, you would be an a**hole for not going. You are not an a**hole, however, for not wanting to go.

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MaraSargon - You aren't the a**hole, your mother is just inconsiderate. If you've already made plans, don't cancel them. It's not your problem.

[Reddit User] - I don't think you're an a**hole for not wanting to go but if you actually didn't go then maybe it'd be a bit different. I think it really depends on how important you class your 21st in terms of birthdays and whether you think it's worth upsetting your mum over. It may just be better to arrange birthday stuff on the weekend before or after and then still go to the wedding. Also happy birthday for when that happens!

Carbsv2 - Just a few questions... 1. Why cant you drink at the wedding? It's rare where i am from that a wedding doesn't have copious amounts of booze.... 2. Do you like her fiance? 3. Do you have to stay all night? I mean the majority of the wedding will be resolved by 1130-0000 ... why not hit an after party

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Pm_Me_Your_Boobs7 - Youre not an a**hole period. She is.

Jayem163 - Are you an a**hole for not *wanting* to attend? No. It sounds like the way she went about telling you and her expectation that you would be excited and appreciate it is either a bit a**hole-ish or at least unsympathetic. However, having recently seen my dad and step-mom plan a wedding, it seems super stressful

and you are forced to make tons of decisions many of which are going to hurt peoples' feelings. I think it's perfectly natural to be resentful of her choice, but from your wording it doesn't sound like you did in fact have plans to do something - at least anything big.

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I think you should really try to forgive her and understand she's probably stressing out about a ton of stuff. At least go to the ceremony if it's at all convenient and consider just going to the whole thing. If you don't go out of resentment then I would say that is a bit of an a**hole move.

I had a pretty big 21st Birthday party and to be honest I can't even remember if it was on my actual 21st Birthday. It's about the celebration and fun and community (and drinking). My first reaction would also be resentment and frustration, but if you can forgive her everyone will be better off.

[Reddit User] - Also the amount of people here who are saying yeah it's s**tty but it's okay it's your mom is sad. Who cares.. Don't rug sweep her behavior.

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These Redditors are slicing through the drama, but do their calls for standing firm miss the mark on family ties, or are they cutting to the truth?

This birthday-wedding clash leaves us pondering: when does family duty trump personal celebration? The son’s urge to skip his mom’s last-minute nuptials on his 21st birthday feels like a stand for his own joy, but her hurt calls it betrayal. Was he right to push back, or should he grit his teeth and show up? Share your thoughts—what would you do if your milestone got overshadowed by family plans? Let’s dive into this festive feud and sort it out!

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