AITA for wanting to move out, leaving my mom without help for my disabled brother?

In a quiet suburban home, a 21-year-old student wrestles with a heart-wrenching choice: move out to chase her own life or stay to care for her disabled brother. The air feels heavy with her mother’s expectations, her brother’s needs, and her own exhaustion. Picture her, drained from college and caregiving, nodding off in class, yearning for freedom with her boyfriend.

This Reddit AITA post lays bare a raw family struggle, sparking debate about duty and self-care. Her mother’s anger and the threat to cut college funding add fuel to the fire. Was she wrong to want a life of her own?

‘AITA for wanting to move out, leaving my mom without help for my disabled brother?’

My mom and I have always had a bit of a strained relationship. I love her, but we’ve never had a typical mother/daughter relationship. I’m currently 21, turning 22 in a couple of weeks. (Edit - also worth mentioning that my dad left when my brother was diagnosed so he isn’t in the picture)

ADVERTISEMENT

My younger brother, who is 11, has Sanfilippo syndrome, which is a genetic condition which in short gradually creates deterioration in the brain and nervous system. The current life expectancy is 10-20 years old, but my brother has deteriorated more quickly than expected, so is full care and can’t walk, talk, or do anything for himself.

I go to college 4 days a week, which my mom pays for on the condition that I live at home and care for my brother when I’m not there. I love my brother, to absolute death, but I’m not a nurse and looking after him is exhausting. I’m expected to catheterize him, constantly monitor his vitals, keep note of his medications and more.

It’s having a serious impact on my grades, and I’m pretty much on the verge of failing most of my classes. I’ve had a steady boyfriend for 3 years, and he’s asked me to move in with him. I said yes in excitement without thinking about asking my mom.

When I told her, she went ballistic asking how I expect for her to care after my brother alone and that she’d stop paying for college as I was well aware of the conditions upon me going. If I stay at home, I’ll probably fail anyway. I get where she’s coming from but I’m 21 and so drained all the time. I’ve fallen asleep at parties, in class, on public transport because of how tired I am. AITA?

ADVERTISEMENT

Choosing between personal dreams and family duty can feel like an impossible tug-of-war. The young woman, juggling college and intense caregiving for her brother with Sanfilippo syndrome, faces burnout while her mother relies heavily on her help. Her desire to move out clashes with her mother’s expectation that she stay, highlighting a painful divide: her need for independence versus her mother’s dependence on her support.

This mirrors a broader issue of caregiver stress, especially for young adults. The student’s exhaustion—falling asleep in class and failing courses—signals a breaking point. Dr. Jane Adams, a psychologist, notes, “Caregivers must prioritize their own health to sustain support for others.” The mother’s reliance on her daughter, while understandable, overlooks the toll of unpaid, untrained caregiving. The threat to cut college funding adds pressure, potentially trapping her in an unsustainable role.

The situation calls for balance. The mother could explore professional care options, like home aides, to ease the burden. The student, meanwhile, might seek scholarships or part-time work to fund college independently, preserving her education and mental health. Open communication—perhaps a family meeting to discuss respite care or community resources—could help. For readers, this underscores the need to set boundaries without guilt.

ADVERTISEMENT

Check out how the community responded:

Reddit’s weighing in with some fiery takes, served with a side of empathy. Here’s what the community thinks about this young woman’s crossroads:

hello_friendss − NTA but plan to go without your mother’s financial support. Start applying for scholarships and see if you qualify for needs basis aid and grants. Find a job. You already put your life on hold long enough, time for you to live it.

ADVERTISEMENT

Mabelisms − NTA. Your mother needs to get outside and respite help. The entire situation sucks and I am sorry, but she cannot depend solely on you. Unfortunately she will probably withdraw paying for your college, and that sucks, but it might be better off getting student loans and passing then taking money from her and failing because you’re exhausted.

Ema630 − NTA. You were not put in this planet to provide free aide care for your brother. You could get a job that wasn't as draining to pay for your college with the time that you will have freed up from not having to care for your brother.. Your mom does need help. Has she looked into getting a home care aide?

ADVERTISEMENT

TheChikkis − NTA for wanting to move out and live your life, you didn’t sign up for taking care of your brother. Of course your mom is mad because you’re clearly a big help to her. Just remember if you do move out, she might stop paying for college so you’ll have to get a job to pay for it, should be less stressful or can be harder. But if you want to move out, NTA

creatoroffantasy − NTA. Your mom can't expect you to help out with your brother the rest of your life. You have your own life and later your own family to take care for. If she can't do it alone she needs to look for help from professionals.

ADVERTISEMENT

DeterminedArrow − NTA. Sanfillipo is horrible, and I’m so sorry your brother was dealt this hand in life. It’s understandable that your mom is upset. However, she has placed an undue burden on you. One that should never have been placed. Please take care of yourself. And again, I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine watching a child I love gradually losing all their skills like that. 🧡

0biterdicta − NTA. If you've ever flown on a plane, you've probably heard the sentence 'Put your mask on before assisting others'. That applies here too. If you don't take care of yourself, you are in no position to help others. If you continue to burn out, you can't help your brother anyway.

ADVERTISEMENT

Your mother can use the money she's not spending on your college to hire a carer. Along with moving out, consider talking to your college about taking a gap year if possible. It will give you a chance to figure out your finances, and rebuild your mental health before continuing your education.

PA_Archer − NTA The real AH here is the run-away father. This being said, if you take this step your mother can only look at it as being abandoned again. It’s time for a difficult face-to-face sit down. Making clear the current situation is not sustainable.

ADVERTISEMENT

No accusations, just problem solving. Church group help? Contact nearby schools that might have future nurses willing to donate an afternoon once a month? Every little bit would help.. Very sorry for your situation.

ForwardPlenty − NTA. Sounds like you have a classic case of Caregiver stress syndrome, which is a condition characterized by physical, mental and emotional exhaustion. It typically results from a person neglecting their own physical and emotional health because they are focused on caring for an ill, injured or disabled loved one..

ADVERTISEMENT

The only real cure is to be able to take a break and offload some of your responsibilities. Your mother is an a**hole for putting this all on you, There are resources out there that can help lighten the load, and it is not your responsibility to take the weight of the world on your shoulders. After you move out, your mother will be forced to enlist some other help.

After she gets someone else in or makes a decision for hospice care or other assisted living, then you can volunteer to step back into the situation, in a limited capacity with the resources that you can spare. It isn't doing anyone any good to fail university and then not have enough energy left to help out your brother.

ADVERTISEMENT

Early-Light-864 − It seems like everyone would be better served by you paying for your own college and your mom hiring professional help.. NAH.

These opinions stir the pot, but do they capture the full weight of balancing love, duty, and personal freedom?

This story cuts deep, exposing the raw struggle between family loyalty and personal survival. The student’s yearning to move out isn’t just about freedom—it’s about reclaiming her life from exhaustion’s grip. Would you stay under your family’s pressure or chase your own path, risking financial fallout? Share your thoughts and experiences below!

Share this post
ADVERTISEMENT

Related Posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *