AITA For Wanting Out After My Wife Cheated, Even Though I Gave Her Free Rein Years Ago?

Marriage is often a journey of compromise, forgiveness, and the hope that past mistakes can be put behind us. In this complex story, a husband recounts how he once cheated on his wife—a misstep he deeply regretted—and, in a desperate bid to salvage their marriage, even granted her permission to have an affair if it meant she wouldn’t leave. For years, they tried to rebuild their life together, raising their children and sharing moments of intimacy, albeit with underlying wounds.

However, the fragile truce shattered when, four months ago, his wife admitted to having an affair with a mutual friend. This revelation struck him like a betrayal all over again, and now, overwhelmed by conflicting feelings and a sense of irrevocable hurt, he is contemplating divorce. With lingering resentment and the sting of double standards, he finds himself questioning if the past truly has been forgiven—or if it’s merely been forgotten until it resurfaces with a vengeance.

‘AITA for bringing up divorce for my wife cheating after I cheated years ago?’

Relationships that survive infidelity often require an extraordinary amount of forgiveness, but they also demand clear boundaries and mutual respect. Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert, emphasizes that “forgiveness is not a free pass for future transgressions, but a conscious decision to work together toward healing.” When both partners engage in a cycle of cheating—especially when one side’s transgression was once excused—it creates a dangerous precedent that undermines trust and respect.

Dr. Karen Smith, a family therapist, notes, “Conditional forgiveness, like giving someone a ‘hall pass,’ can often mask deeper issues of control and unresolved pain. It may seem like a solution in the moment, but it tends to create a foundation where further betrayal is almost inevitable.” The husband’s current contemplation of divorce indicates that his earlier forgiveness might have been more of a temporary fix rather than a true resolution.

Furthermore, the idea of holding each other to different standards can exacerbate feelings of betrayal. When one partner is allowed an excuse for infidelity, while the other is held to a stricter measure, it fosters a climate of resentment. Dr. Michael Ruiz points out that “mutual accountability is critical in rebuilding trust; without it, any forgiveness offered is superficial and unsustainable.”

Ultimately, these expert perspectives highlight that both forgiveness and accountability must coexist in a healthy relationship. The husband’s current feelings of hurt and betrayal are valid responses to the cycle of infidelity they’ve experienced, and his consideration of divorce may be a step toward breaking free from a pattern that has proven emotionally destructive over time.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Here are some hot takes from the Reddit community – candid and humorous. Redditors are divided, with many condemning the husband for initiating the “free affair” arrangement, while others believe that his wife’s recent betrayal is unforgivable given the context.

The consensus among many is that conditional forgiveness can create a toxic dynamic, making it difficult for either party to truly move on. Some users argue that both partners bear responsibility, while others assert that his wife’s actions have crossed a line that he can no longer ignore.

In conclusion, this story is a raw exploration of forgiveness, accountability, and the enduring scars of betrayal. The husband’s contemplation of divorce, after once permitting his wife the freedom to stray, raises profound questions about whether past infidelity can ever be truly forgiven—or if it simply sets the stage for future hurt. When the pain of betrayal is met with conditional allowances, can a marriage ever be fully healed? What would you do if faced with a similar cycle of forgiveness and betrayal? Share your thoughts and join the discussion.