AITA for wanting nothing to do with my husbands child that has recently come back into our lives?

The air felt thick with tension in their cozy Vermont home, where the hum of a quiet life was shattered by an unexpected Facebook message. She had built a life with her husband, rooted in a shared vow to remain childfree, only to face a curveball: his long-estranged daughter, now 15, wanted him in her life. Her heart sank as her husband, once adamant about avoiding fatherhood, eagerly embraced the role, leaving her grappling with a future she never signed up for.

This isn’t just a story of a family reunion; it’s a raw, emotional clash of promises, personal boundaries, and unexpected change. The woman, shaped by a childhood of forced caregiving, faces a choice: adapt to a role she dreads or stand firm, risking her marriage. The Reddit post below captures her turmoil, pulling readers into a dilemma that’s as relatable as it is heart-wrenching.

‘AITA for wanting nothing to do with my husbands child that has recently come back into our lives?’

I am fully prepared that I’ll be called the a**hole on this, but just for my own peace of mind I want to write my story up and hopefully make some sense of this. I met my husband 13 years ago. We were married after two years of being together. When I first met him, he told me that he had a 2 year old daughter that he had no interest in being a father to, and that she wasn’t a planned baby.

I accepted this, and accepted that he just paid child support and that was it. His child lives with her mom in Pasadena, and we live in Vermont- so as you can imagine, worlds away. My husband never once expressed an interest in going to see his child, maintaining contact, they NEVER spoke or exchanged birthday cards, Christmas cards, etc.

My husband said that he never had any intention to be a dad, and that this child was born despite his pleas for a**rtion. I accepted this because I myself am childfree- my childhood was spent slaving away looking after my mother’s 5 other children, and while she was constantly on drugs it fell on me to be mom.

I am NOT okay with children, having children, or wanting to foster maternal bonds with children. When I entered into this relationship, it was 100% done under the trust that my husband had no contact with this child or wanted to be a father. Last year, his daughter made a Facebook account and reached out to him.

She spilled her heart out, said she had sleuthed her way into finding her father, she wanted a relationship desperately, etc. My husband came to me in turmoil and in tears asked for permission to go and see her. I was angry, my world had turned upside down, my own place in his world had now changed,

everything was different- but I swallowed my hurt and NEVER ONCE did I let him feel my own fear. I told him to go and make his peace. Since then he has regularly flown to see her. He has had an apparent complete change of heart and has taken on the role of daddy with enthusiasm and gusto, to the delight of both his daughter and her mother.

ADVERTISEMENT

A few weeks ago, he sat down and had a serious talk with me- he said he knew my stance on children, but he begged me to integrate this child into my life, to let her come and stay with us from time to time, to open my heart to her. I told him I couldn’t do that. I said I would rather divorce then be a stepparent to a child I never knew would be in my life.

To be clear- i honestly 100% know for certain that they had never communication since before last year. Had I known, I would have left as it’s unfair to this child, she only has 1 father whereas I can go and find another partner. I feel horrible. I feel like a terrible person, like I’m an evil witch, but I also feel like this is horribly unfair to *me* - any insights on if my behavior is a**hole-like would be very much appreciated.

ADVERTISEMENT

EDIT: my husband asked me to take on being a ‘mom’ with him. He used those words. He hasn’t just asked me to open up our home a few times a year.. EDIT part II: someone asked me to ‘paint a better picture’ 1. ⁠he speaks of her enthusiastically, which I’m happy about. He becomes sullen and withdrawn when I don’t join in the topic with equal enthusiasm.

2. he has started a college fund from our shared savings. We have a LOT in there, and I added to it thinking we could share an early retirement. That’s gone out the window. 3. ⁠he has taken over the second bedroom that used to be mine, and has decorated it so she has a space to stay.

That’s very well and good, except he has the basement which he recently spent 90k concerting into an at home gym. My second bedroom was my walk in closet/ shoe store, and now it’s all packed away in suitcases while we figure out where it goes. 4. ⁠he wants me to actively take an interest in her life, beginning with the visits and building up so that we function as a family.

ADVERTISEMENT

There’s nothing wrong in that, except I never consented to being part of this type of family and he knew that. 5. ⁠all of our vacation days have been wasted since he booked them more than a year ago and now he has used every single. one to visit her. When I ask him to let me go at my pace he is unable to see why it’s important. He’s making up for lost time, I am not.

This family shake-up is like a plot twist nobody saw coming. The woman’s world, built on a childfree pact, now teeters as her husband dives headfirst into fatherhood. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, notes, “Trust is built in the small moments of connection, but it’s also fragile when expectations shift” . Her husband’s sudden pivot challenges their mutual trust, leaving her feeling sidelined.

The core issue is a clash of values. She’s staunchly childfree, a stance rooted in her past trauma of raising siblings. Her husband, once aligned, now prioritizes his daughter, using shared resources and space without mutual agreement. This shift highlights a broader issue: navigating unexpected family dynamics. A 2021 study from the Journal of Family Psychology found that 40% of blended families face tension over differing parenting expectations .

ADVERTISEMENT

Her refusal to embrace step-parenting isn’t cold; it’s self-preservation. His insistence, while understandable, dismisses her boundaries. Experts suggest clear communication and compromise, like setting boundaries for visits while respecting her stance. Couples therapy could help them navigate this rift, ensuring both feel heard. The solution lies in balancing his new role with their original agreement, fostering respect without forcing her into a maternal role she rejects.

The takeaway? Life throws curveballs, and relationships require flexibility. She might consider small steps, like neutral interactions during visits, while he must respect her limits. Compromise doesn’t mean abandoning principles but finding a middle ground where both can thrive.

Check out how the community responded:

The Reddit crew didn’t hold back, serving up a spicy mix of support and shade. From fist-bumps for her honesty to raised eyebrows at her husband’s overhaul, the comments are a lively barbecue of opinions. Here’s the unfiltered scoop from the crowd:

ADVERTISEMENT

ConvivialKat − NTA. You met and married this man with some very serious and honest promises made. He has broken them (apparently, permanently). As a child free person, myself, I cannot think of any reason you should be considered an a**hole in any way. I also do not think you are under any obligation whatsoever to meet his child.

Him asking you to do so is not OK (for you or the child). You married him because you trusted his promise he had no interest in this child. He married you, knowing full well that you never want children or stepchildren. I see a divorce in your near future.

anonymys − You're absolutely entitled to your feelings and your husband is absolutely entitled to change his mind on not being a dad. Life works like that sometimes. I think it's great this kid will have a father and I think it's sad that you'll have to move on and I think it's awesome for all involved that you've been upfront and honest about it.

ADVERTISEMENT

Good luck going forward and I'm sorry for your (likely) breakup. * EDIT -- I feel like my previous judgement should be changed to NTA. Your husband kicking you out of your space and using mutual money without your agreement are both majorly a**hole moves. I'm so sorry OP.

[Reddit User] − NTA NTA NTA 1000x NTA. Children are not for everyone and you have no idea what this girls/her mothers intentions might be. They MAY be completely on the level but they could just as easily be looking after money or organs. You'll not be happy and will always be seen as the bad guy if he continues this relationship without you in it.. You're pretty much looking at a 'her or me' ultimatum l.

Toastskiller − NTA. From what I understood, you clearly told your husband you never want to be a parent. He also told you that he doesn't have an interest in ever being one as well. Now, he seems to have had a change of mind seeing what became of his child and that's completely understandable.. You would be an a**hole if you would tell him to completely ghost her; you didn't though.

ADVERTISEMENT

A child coming into ones life can be a very big change and your husband also knew what your opinion on children is. That's why I think in this case he is the a**hole when thinking it's okay to force you into being a maternal figure. Others would say you should at least try being a mother and maybe you will get along but you chose not to do it and that is completely fine in my opinion.

I_AM_A_MALE_LLAMA − NAH. You never wanted children, and you made that clear from the start, you didnt hide or lie about the fact. That is a choice that is ultimatly up to you. He didnt think he wanted anything to do with his child, but when he got to know her that changed.

Which is understandable, its easier to reject somone you dont know. I think this is just one of those cases where a couple grows apart with time. Its sad, but thats just part of life.. Edit: this was written befofe ops edit, the actions that comes to light there makes you NTA.

ADVERTISEMENT

[Reddit User] − Isn't it an easy option that he has a relationship with his daughter and occasional visits while you don't form much of an attachment. My dad's wife and I are friendly but I wouldn't say there's anything motherly or maternal is our relationship.. It would require setting some boundaries and keeping them but nothing impossible.

irratatinglilblonde − I am also a child free female.. My Husband is also child free. If my husband told he he had a baby but wants nothing to do with it, then like 11 years later decided to be a father, I'd conceded. Not because I like kids, but because I love my partner more than anything and I'd try my hardest to make it work. But thats me. Everyone if different. And IT'S OKAY to want nothing to do with babies.

Yes, shes 15. almost an adult as a lot of these people are saying. But she may one day become a mother. You'll be a grandma. Grandpa will probably want to see the babies. And what is she puts her dad as a next of kin for the babies in case something happens?I bet I'd get downvoted for this but these are very real 'think ahead' possibilities are are IMPORTANT to consider.

ADVERTISEMENT

It's okay to say no kids for you. It's not okay to make him choose. If he wants to be a dad you need to bow out. Kids are a package deal, even kids that come late in the picture. No one wants a step mom or grandma who obviously resents them. Do what's best for you and find someone who doesn't have kids. Let him do what's best for him and be a dad.

orangetabby23 − NTA. But you should leave. He wants a realtionship with hus kid and you dont. You arent heartless for not wanting to be in her life, he is essentially asking you to do something you expressed disinterest in. Being a step parent is really hard on both the child and step parent. (Im a step parent to 2 young boys, so i know its hard)

But if you dont want to be around her and dont want to make your husband feel as though he has to choose you should divorce. He wants things now, that you've already said no to, i.e being a parent. You didnt sign up to be her step mom. You were under the impression that he never wanted to be a dad, and that you never have to step into the role of parent.

ADVERTISEMENT

peithecelt − YTA - but more for being blindly oblivious. He had a child, this was ALWAYS a possibility. I'm sorry that your day dream has burst, but if you hook up with someone with a child, there is ALWAYS a possibility that the child will go from a financial burden to a HUMAN BEING.

Also, SHE IS 17, she's not exactly going to be expecting you to change her diaper. She's a young adult, pretend she's your husband's cousin and get over yourself. If she's staying in CA she will come visit occasionally, you don't have to be a mother to her at that age, she's got one of those who is hopefully good at the job.

graywisteria − Info - the girl is 15, if I understood the math right. How much is your husband really expecting you to be a stepmom to this kid? Can't you just... you know... tolerate your husband playing daddy during visits, while he tolerates you not bothering with the kid?

ADVERTISEMENT

These Redditors rallied around her boundaries or nudged her to adapt, but do their takes capture the full picture, or are they just stoking the fire?

This story isn’t just about a child re-entering a father’s life; it’s about trust, boundaries, and the messy reality of change. She faces a tough choice: bend her principles or walk away. Her husband’s newfound dad energy is admirable, but his disregard for their agreement stings. What would you do if you found yourself in a similar situation? Share your thoughts and experiences below—let’s keep the conversation going!

Share this post
ADVERTISEMENT

Related Posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *