AITA for wanting my daughter to speak English?

In a cozy home nestled next to Russian grandparents, a 33-year-old dad beams with pride over his chatty 2-year-old daughter. But his smile fades when her words—all in Russian—leave him in the dark. His bilingual wife and in-laws, set on raising her like a mini Tolstoy, speak only Russian until she’s four, sidelining his English and straining their bond. It’s a linguistic tug-of-war, with love and connection at stake.

This heartfelt saga of bilingual parenting hits home for any family navigating cultural divides. The dad’s plea to hear his daughter’s first English words sparks a debate: is he right to push for balance, or should he trust the Russian-first plan? Readers can’t help but root for a solution that keeps this family talking—literally.

‘AITA for wanting my daughter to speak English?’

Me (33M) and my wife (31F) have a 2 year old daughter. My wife is first generation American. Both her parents are from Russia and speak both Russian and English fluently. My wife is bilingual as well. I unfortunately cannot speak Russian but I have been doing all the apps to try and pick up the language.

My wife and I live next door to her parents so we see them pretty much everyday. They’re great people and wonderful grandparents to our daughter. My paternity leave ended when she was about 8 months and so my wife stays home with our daughter and her parents are retired so they frequently spend hours at our home.

My issue is they all insist on only speaking Russian to my daughter all day every day. My in laws only spoke Russian to my wife until she was four and then she eventually learned english. They did this because Russian is much harder and English is easier for children to pick up.

My wife agrees with them because she she really wants our daughter to be bilingual. I do too. I think it’s great that our daughter will be able to speak two languages. But my daughter is now starting to talk and she’s only speaking in Russian. I can’t understand anything she is saying and I feel like i’m starting to struggle with bonding.

It makes me incredibly sad that i can’t communicate with her. Anytime I speak to her in English my wife or her parents immediately speak to her in Russian. I voiced my concerns to my wife and then to her parents.

Each time I bring it up they tell me it's nothing to worry about because she'll end up learning English eventually and it'll be better for my daughter in the long run to be fluent in both.. I might just be ignorant with how to properly teach children two languages… AITA?

EDIT: Someone said I should have made this clearer. My wife and inlaws want Russian to be the only language spoken in the house and to her until she is four. This is how my wife learned. Anytime I speak in English to her I’m immediately met with anger and frustration from both my wife and in laws.

This language clash is less about words and more about inclusion. Bilingualism benefits kids—studies from the American Speech-Language-Hearing Association show it boosts cognitive skills like problem-solving. But the wife and in-laws’ Russian-only rule until age four freezes out the dad, undermining his role. Their anger when he speaks English suggests control, not collaboration.

The dad’s struggle to bond is real. Toddlers build trust through communication, and his inability to understand his daughter’s Russian risks emotional distance. A 2020 study in Family Relations notes that parental involvement in early language development strengthens attachment. By prioritizing Russian, the family dismisses his contribution, even if unintentionally.

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Dr. Patricia Kuhl, a language acquisition expert, says, “Children learn language best through consistent, meaningful interactions” (University of Washington). Here, the dad’s English input is vital for balance. The wife’s approach, rooted in her own upbringing, ignores that kids can learn two languages simultaneously without delay.

The solution? A dual-language approach: dad speaks English, wife and in-laws mix Russian and English. This respects cultural goals while including him. Family therapy could help align priorities, ensuring the daughter’s bilingualism doesn’t cost her dad’s bond. Clear rules—like no interrupting English—will foster unity and keep love in any language.

See what others had to share with OP:

The Reddit crew dove into this language drama with gusto, serving up support and a sprinkle of sass. Here’s the raw scoop from the digital peanut gallery:

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Unit-Healthy − NAH. Speak only English to her and don't let them interrupt. They should speak only Russian to her and not let you interrupt. She will figure it out easily and quickly. She will literally converse with all of you by speaking 2 languages in the same conversation without translation.  Don't worry about it. Example: Dad: Would you like some juice? Kid: Yes. Grandma (in Russian): What kind of juice? Kid (in Russian): Orange. And so on....

Ruskie2012 − NTA.. As a Russian man with an American wife I completely understand what your going through.. My wife speaks both english and russian.. She speaks more english to our twins and I speak more Russian.. But we make a point to use both languages equally.. Are you in the U.S. or Russia?. If in U.S. it will do your child no favor to not apeak English.

Pharmacienne123 − So you’re completely frozen out of your kids life and can’t even talk to her until she’s four? This would be grounds for divorce for me. Seriously. That’s parental alienation while you are still in the home. NTA.

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balthazar_blue − NTA. On the surface, I can understand your wife's and in-laws' desire for your child to be bilingual. But the way children learn language as a toddler is much different than how they learn language after age 3 or 4. Language acquisition prior to this age is very natural, and is developed in a particular part of the brain. Learning a language after that cut off works very differently, and uses a different part of the brain.

If your daughter is already 2 years old, that means she's already quickly approaching that milestone cut off. You say your wife and in-laws say she'll learn English 'eventually' -- but how soon is eventually? And at this age, your child is already 'thinking' in Russian to the extent that language is used for internal and abstract thought. Will this affect your daughter adversely when she enters elementary school?. ​

But my daughter is now starting to talk and she’s only speaking in Russian. I can’t understand anything she is saying and I feel like i’m starting to struggle with bonding. It makes me incredibly sad that i can’t communicate with her. Anytime I speak to her in English my wife or her parents immediately speak to her in Russian.

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By prioritizing Russian over English, your wife and in-laws are shutting you out of having a meaningful relationship with your daughter, even if that was unintended at first. And now it's beginning to seem intentional because of your comment that whenever you speak to your daughter in English,

your wife or your in-laws immediately speak to her in Russian, undermining any chance of your daughter learning English naturally. I think you should consider some family therapy with just you and your wife (including your in-laws might allow them to gang up on you).

wind-river7 − NTA. Tell wife that your daughter can learn both languages before she is four. Her parents should not be influencing how your daughter learns language.

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ketchup-is-gross − NTA. I’m a speech-language pathologist and that’s… not how it works. No language is “easier” or “harder” for infants and toddlers to pick up. Children are capable of learning two languages and bilingual kids enjoy many advantages, such as improved executive functioning skills. [Here’s some more info about how to raise kids bilingual if you’re curious!

Kerrytwo − NTA. I cannot believe they are preventing you speaking to her completely. No that is not okay. You and your wife need to have a serious conversation about this.

sleepyolive_ − NTA Are you not suppose to communicate with your daughter until she's 4?

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Ok_Point7463 − NTA. There really is no need to learn one language then the other. Speaking both simultaneously will have the same effect, if not better.. Kids learn languages with very little difficulty. Your wife and her parents are being really inconsiderate of you and dismissive of you as the father, and that is not right.. They are basically leaving you out of a huge portion of her development and upbringing.

onceuponafigtree − Hmmm I spoke French exclusively to my son but his father spoke English exclusively so he learnt both? I wouldn't worry from a viewpoint of your daughter learning English as this will happen very fast when she goes to school..

However, if you are unable to properly communicate with your daughter this is an awful situation to be in. Does she understand when you speak to her in English? Often children will choose one to speak even though they fully understand the other....

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These Redditors backed the dad’s fight for English, slamming the family’s rigid Russian-only rule. Some suggested therapy, others urged equal language use. But do these hot takes capture the whole story, or are they just stoking the linguistic fire?

This dad’s struggle to connect with his Russian-speaking toddler reminds us that family harmony hinges on inclusion. His push for English isn’t about rejecting bilingualism—it’s about claiming his place in his daughter’s world. A balanced approach could weave both languages into her life without fraying family ties. What would you do if a family tradition left you feeling shut out? Share your thoughts below!

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