AITA For vetoing putting an offer on my wife’s “dream house”?

Charlotte Morse Hours
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In a whirlwind of open houses and rejected offers, a couple’s hunt for their first home turns into a battlefield. A 38-year-old man, scarred by his parents’ HOA nightmares, draws a hard line: no homeowners’ associations, period. But when his wife, enchanted by a listing dubbed her “dream house,” sneaks a tour and begs to bid—despite its HOA—tempers flare. Her plea to compromise clashes with their pact for mutual consent, leaving their dream of homeownership teetering. It’s a saga of love, stubbornness, and deal-breakers.

Readers feel the sting of their standoff—her heart set on a perfect home, his haunted by HOA horrors. This Reddit tale isn’t just about a house; it’s about trust, shared goals, and the grind of finding “the one” in a brutal market. With Reddit buzzing over their clash, let’s dive into the drama.

‘AITA For vetoing putting an offer on my wife’s “dream house”?’

My wife (34F) and I (38M) are shopping for our first house. We both put together lists of needs, wants, and deal-breakers for our desired home. We both had similar lists in terms of needs and wants. Multiple bedrooms and good schools for when we have kids, fenced in yard for our dog, no major renovations needed, etc.

I only had one real deal-breaker. I told her I would refuse to even put an offer in on a house that has an HOA. My parents lived in an HOA when I was a teenager and I saw the amount of BS they had to go through all the time.

There's no way I want to spend a huge amount of money and have to deal with that kind of thing for who knows how many years. The house could check every single box in our need and want list and I would still refuse to even try and buy it.

Well, our search has not been an easy one. We have been priced out of a lot of areas that we were hoping to live in. And the houses that are more within our budget are not exactly what we're looking for. We've toured dozens of houses.

Had offers rejected. Had sellers try to get us into bidding wars. We've argued, disagreed, and fought. It's sucked. Last week our realtor sent us a home that was just hitting the market. She was excited because she thought it was 'exactly what we are looking for.'

My wife fell in love with the pictures and wanted to set up a tour. But as I was looking at the listing, I saw it has an HOA. I told my wife that I don't even want to go look at it since I don't want to put an offer in. She decided to set up a tour with the realtor without me.

She viewed the home without telling me about it, then came home and was all excited to submit an offer. She spent an entire evening trying to convince me that it's her 'dream house' and that we need to submit an offer before it's too late.

She said there's no harm in submitting an offer just to see what the sellers say. I told her that she knows an HOA is my #1 deal-breaker and that I find it pretty upsetting that she would go behind my back and do this on her own and then try and convince me to compromise my stance.

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She tried to downplay how much of an impact an HOA would have on our lives and told me that 'a little inconvenience from an HOA won't offset how much we enjoy our home.' But she's never lived in an HOA. She hasn't seen first-hand how nuts they can be and how stressful it can be for a homeowner.

I reminded her that when we started looking, that we both agreed that this had to be a 2-yes decision. Meaning that if one of us vetoed a house for whatever reason, we wouldn't pursue it. And she knows that an HOA is my #1 veto reason. She's now super pissed at me for vetoing her 'dream house.'

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She's telling me we will never find a house that checks so many of her wants and needs and that I should just let go of the HOA thing and submit an offer. I told her she's letting her frustration with the process cloud her judgement and she's taking it out on me.

House hunting can strain even the tightest marriages, and this couple’s HOA clash cuts deep. The husband’s veto, rooted in past trauma, honors their “two-yes” agreement, but his wife’s solo tour and push to ignore his deal-breaker breach trust. Her frustration, fueled by a grueling market, is real, but dismissing his boundary risks resentment. Both are grappling with compromise, yet her secrecy tilts the scales.

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HOAs govern 29% of U.S. homes, per a 2024 report, with fees and rules varying widely. While some HOAs are benign, others impose strict controls, validating the husband’s fears. His wife’s inexperience with HOAs may blind her to potential pitfalls.

Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert, notes, “Mutual respect for boundaries is the bedrock of partnership”. Here, the wife’s unilateral move undermines that trust, while the husband’s rigidity could soften with research into this HOA’s rules. Dr. Gottman’s insight calls for dialogue over ultimatums. They should review the HOA’s bylaws together and talk openly about fears and hopes. A therapist could help navigate their process fatigue.

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Here’s what the community had to contribute:

Reddit’s got no chill on this one, serving up a mix of cheers and reality checks. Here’s the raw scoop from the community—sharp, witty, and ready to weigh in.

ahknewb - You're allowed to both have deal-breakers. So, regardless of what your deal breakers are, you are NTA here. That said... I know reddit is a hate filled ragegoblin when it comes to HOAs. And there are **ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE** ones out there. But, there are also perfectly harmless ones.

And there are even really nice ones that do a good job WITHOUT being obnoxious. Want to know how to tell? Go take a walk in the neighborhood on a Saturday. Say hi to people you meet. Pet their dogs and talk to them about the neighborhood and the HOA. If it's garbage, people are going to be itching to tell you their horror stories.

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SquallkLeon - I reminded her that when we started looking, that we both agreed that this had to be a 2-yes decision.. Finding a place to live, to settle down, to potentially raise a family, is absolutely a 2-yes decision.

She's now super pissed at me for vetoing her 'dream house.' She's telling me we will never find a house that checks so many of her wants and needs and that I should just let go of the HOA thing and submit an offer.

I told her she's letting her frustration with the process cloud her judgement and she's taking it out on me. I get the feeling that perhaps she's just ready for this process to be over. She's moved into 'good enough' territory, and in trying to convince you it's her dream house, she's also trying to convince herself.

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I would ask her why she even bothered making the agreement with you if she was just going to throw it out?  And what if you found a place and she vetoed it, or vetoed something else in your marriage? Do you no longer have to respect when she says 'no'?.

Have a deeper conversation about what's really going on here and what is driving this. Also, remind your wife that you two aren't looking for her 'dream house', you're looking for the dream house for both of you.. NTA.. Edit: This is now my most upvoted comment. Thank you.

liquidmccartney8 - NAH because buying a house as two people is a f**king tough process and it can make assholes out of the most non-assholish among us. My partner and I just closed on a house that we both love but involved major compromises on both of our parts. 

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I found that it was very difficult to treat things that were important to her but not to me as legitimate parts of the decision rather than obstacles to a decision that satisfied myself. I think both of you may be having trouble with that as well.  

My suggestion would be to get your realtor to give you a copy of the rules for this HOA, do some research, and see if it’s really as bad as you fear. My old neighborhood had one on paper but in practice it did nothing. Either way, your wife will appreciate your willingness to consider compromising on this issue. 

SnooPets8873 - NTA unless you live in a place where your deal breaker of no HOA knocks out all but a lucky chance of finding a home. Where I live, if you want new construction, there will be an HOA but you can find pockets of existing neighborhoods that don’t have one,

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so with patience, it should be possible. Where my parents live? Good luck. There’s no way you’ll find something without an HOA unless you buy land and build where there is no existing structures/residences and to do that, you have to go fairly rural.

From your post stating you guys did make offers that just didn’t work out, I’m guessing that’s not an issue where you live and therefore she is just getting frustrated and trying to renege on the agreement. While I think no agreement in marriage should be permanently tabled

(as in her raising the issue to see if there is some movement on your side now that you’ve experienced some setbacks should be ok) she can’t just unilaterally insist that your dealbreaker gets dropped.

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Expensive_Prize_8126 - What country / state do you live in? Some states have had laws for decades that say any new neighborhood is required to have an HOA. If that’s the case, you have very few options (if you want to live in that state).

Another consideration - not all HOA’s are created equally. Some are overly burdensome with meddling board members that have nothing to do but bother residents. Others are run part-time by volunteers that don’t have fee time to nitpick.

IMHO you need to evaluate each HOA and go from there. If it were me (a former multi-HOA board member), I’d ask for copies of the current rules & regulations and ask 3-5 people throughout the neighborhood how strict the HOA is,

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and ask for copies of the HOA financials and projects list. That will tell you where your money is and will be going. Overall, an HOA is only as decent or terrible as the board members are. It could be a deal-breaker for that dream house, but it shouldn’t be an automatic r**ection.

Edit: TIL HOA’s might not be legally required, but at very least developers will put an HOA in place so they can control property values while they’re continuing to build the development. I need to do more research on if they’re legally required. But the developer business case makes logical sense to me.

[Reddit User] - NTA. Just wondering - Why is your realtor showing you homes that have HOAs if you have expressed it’s a non-starter for you?

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TheFilthyDIL - NTA. No way in hell will I live in a house where the neighbors get to decide what flowers I can plant in my garden, what color I can paint my house, choose how i receive internet, measure my grass, and rule on the pets that I want.

My daughter and her husband were considering a property pre-Covid. I pointed out all the things in the HOA covenants that directly conflicted with the things they did or wanted to do. (No vegetable gardens, no fencing back yards, no children's play equipment, no dogs weighing over 30 pounds, and about a dozen others.)

The realtor said 'But they don't enforce those restrictions!' But they're *there*. They can choose to enforce them at any time. Are you going to dig up your vegetable garden, tear down your fence, and get rid of 2 out of 3 of your dogs?

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Apart-Ad-6518 - 'I only had one real deal-breaker. I told her I would refuse to even put an offer in on a house that has an HOA.'. HOA's.... Gotta go with NTA on this one. 'My parents lived in an HOA when I was a teenager

and I saw the amount of BS they had to go through all the time.' You were absolutely clear from the get go. Your wife needs to understand your boundary just as you have to work with hers.. I really hope you both can find a house that makes you happy.

Major_Barnacle_2212 - I agree with the two-yes take. NTA Also, I understand your wife feeling panicked thinking she found her dream house after so many bad ones and that there will never be another perfect house. She’s starting to get fatigued

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and latched on to this after seeing so many bad ones..There will be a two yes house if you keep trying!. My husband and I saw eighteen houses before we found the perfect house. Now that we are settled in our dream home we laugh about how horrible it all was

and how glad we are that we didn’t settle. Give her a pep talk about how you two didn’t settle for anyone but the perfect partners when you found each other and you want the same for your perfect house. The house will come!

slinky999 - I’m literally selling my condo at a loss to get away from the f**king HOA (dispute about FLOWERS is involving lawyers), so NTA.

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These Reddit takes are bold, but do they miss the nuance of marital compromise?

This Reddit saga asks: when does a deal-breaker trump a dream? The husband’s HOA veto protects his peace, but his wife’s secret tour and plea reveal a crack in their teamwork. Homebuying tests love like few things do. What would you do when your partner pushes past your hard line? Drop your stories below—have you faced a deal-breaker in a big decision? Let’s keep the convo going.

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