AITA for un-rsvping to a party over pasta salad?

Jonathan Hours
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Picture this: a cozy backyard buzzing with chatter, the tantalizing aroma of home-cooked dishes wafting through the air, and a table groaning under the weight of potluck goodies. It’s the kind of scene that promises laughter and good times with friends—until the frustration bubbles up like an overcooked stew. One Reddit user found themselves in this exact pickle, caught in a cycle of potluck parties hosted by their friend Mel, where effort and fairness seemed to vanish faster than a second helping of their signature porcupine bread.

For this weary guest, the joy of gathering has soured into obligation, tainted by uneven contributions and disappearing leftovers. The sting of watching their carefully crafted dishes get scooped up by low-effort pals or critiqued by an ungrateful guest hits hard. Is un-RSVPing the ultimate escape from this potluck predicament? Let’s dig into this savory saga and find out.

‘AITA for un-rsvping to a party over pasta salad?’

The drama unfolds at Mel’s latest potluck, a regular event where guests bring dishes to share, and Mel handles the main course. Our Reddit poster, fed up with the routine, spills their story online, questioning if they’re in the wrong for bailing.

My friend Mel likes to throw parties/get togethers. She does potluck style everyone brings something to pass. Then she takes care if the main dish. Her parties have honestly become something I go to out of obligation more than for fun because I end up more annoyed than anything. Typically a few weeks or a month ahead Mel will make an event on social media and ask women to bring a dish and 'men can if they want '.

Then she wants us (women) to let her know what dish we're making so there's no doubles. I usually try to make something, porcupine bread, or some side dish. If my boyfriend comes with I make 2 dishes because I don't want us to be one of those couples that just bring one thing and he doesn't cook. There's this friend of Mel's, Claire. She brings the simplest things every time.

Store bought pasta salad, precut fruit, a cheese and cracker tray. Which whatever I don't care about that. Thing that bugs me is she always asks for leftovers and takes TONS. Including of stuff I brought. Like if I made 2 things of porcupine bread and one was still in Mel's oven (to keep warm) untouched, she just gives it to Claire. Maybe I'd like to take food I made home?

Not just give it to someone? Since it's leftover shouldn't that be my choice? Then there's this dude 'Mark' he doesn't bring anything and he acts like he's doing everyone a favor for eating their food he's an opinionated jerk. He always critiques food, it's annoying. Then he has 3-4 plate fulls. So Mel is having a party she created the event and I said I'd go (outside of these dumb events I have fun with Mel).

Then today she posted asking what women would bring, I wanted to be petty because I'm sick of putting in effort when Claire and Mark don't and get more food, so I said I'd make a pasta salad. Claire jumped on and said 'Mel I wanted to bring Pasta salad'. Mel messaged me and asked me to bring something else and named some previous more effort/exspensive dishes I've made.

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I said no. I said 'how come Claire always gets to bring pasta salad?' She said because she doesn't know how to cook. I said 'fine I'll bring cut fruit '. She asked why I was being like this and I said that I was sick of putting in effort to cook and other people that bring nothing or low effort stuff getting majority including my leftovers.

And my food being constantly critiqued by someone that brings nothing. She said these things are about getting together with friends and sharing food not keeping score.. I said 'fine then I won't come'. I guess Mel talked to two of our friends that go to these things and they said I'm being immature and petty and it should be about seeing friends more than who brings and takes what.

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My thing is I'm sick of putting time, money, and energy into cooking something and having my food reviewed by a jerk and given away to someone I don't really like. These events aren't even fun since only 3 people I'm friends with are there.. AITA for un-RSVPing. ETA: I've tried to just not go to these things before but Mel questions me about it 'what are you doing?' 'Why won't you come?' Etc.

Potlucks can be a delightful dance of shared flavors, but this one’s turned into a recipe for resentment. Our Reddit friend pours time, money, and heart into dishes like porcupine bread, only to see leftovers handed off to Claire, the queen of store-bought pasta salad, and face snarky reviews from Mark, a plate-piling critic who brings zilch. The tension peaks when Mel nudges them to swap their simple pasta salad for pricier past creations—fairness, it seems, isn’t on the menu.

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This clash mirrors a broader social hiccup: the unspoken rules of potlucks. Etiquette demands balance—everyone pitches in, and leftovers belong to the maker unless they say otherwise. A 2019 survey by YouGov found 62% of Americans agree potluck guests should contribute meaningfully, yet here, Claire and Mark skate by. Mel’s plea for “friendship over scorekeeping” sounds sweet, but it sidesteps the lopsided load.

Dr. Irene S. Levine, a psychologist and friendship expert, notes in a Psychology Today article, “Reciprocity is the glue of relationships—when one side consistently gives more, resentment festers” (Source). Her insight rings true: the poster’s frustration stems from a one-way street, where their effort fuels others’ gain. Mel’s dismissal of this imbalance risks souring the bond.

What’s the fix? Communicate calmly—tell Mel the uneven effort dims the fun. Suggest clear potluck rules: all guests bring a dish, leftovers stay with the cook. If Mark’s critiques grate, a lighthearted “Bring a dish, then talk!” could nudge him.

These are the responses from Reddit users:

Here are some hot takes from the Reddit community—candid and sprinkled with a dash of humor. Picture a chorus of fed-up foodies cheering our poster on, roasting the pasta salad saga like a marshmallow at a campfire. Dive into their thoughts and see if you’d toss your RSVP too!

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leftyontheleft − NTA, if it was really just about getting together then your offer to bring a fruit tray should have been acceptable. Why can't men bring food? Gross.

FlyBuy3 − NTA. This is not a friends group. It sounds like acquaintances who are happy to use you. I appreciate your social anxiety and irritation, and would be equally miffed. I'd never have the foresight to lay it all out there to the host, though. I'd just ghost these get togethers. Life is too short.

MistressLiliana − NTA. If it doesn't matter who brings what why are they bitching at you for bringing fruit?

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LeoSolaris − NTA. If it was just about the friendship and not the food, then your offer to bring fruit or pasta salad would have been perfectly fine. Clearly for them the point of you being there is to feed them, not for the pleasure of your company.

Frequent_Jellyfish69 − NTA. If it is about being with friends and not the food, why can’t you bring what you want? Why couldn’t you bring the cut fruit? You are correct that potluck etiquette is you take your own leftovers home, and it’s super rude to give it to others without asking, and hella rude to dictate what you bring.

FigSpecific2502 − ‘Sorry, I’m busy.’ NTA. How rude and annoying.

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[Reddit User] − NTA. Stop going. The parties sound terrible.

VerityPee − If these things are about getting together and sharing food then it doesn’t matter what you bring so you can take cut fruit. Mel can’t have it both ways!. NTA.

subsailor1968 − NTA. If it is more a drag than enjoyable, I don’t blame you for skipping. Especially with Mark and Claire.. BTW, porcupine bread? What is that? Just curious.

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TipTopC − NTA. the real AH here is the lazy food critic and the freeloaders. That said, you should have just told her you didn't want to come and if you really felt you had to give an explanation you could just say that you prefer smaller gatherings, potlucks aren't your scene, etc. If she kept pressing you after you politely declined then she would be the AH.

These are popular opinions on Reddit, but do they really reflect reality? Maybe Mark’s just a hungry comedian, and Claire’s pasta salad is secretly a gourmet gem.

This potluck pickle serves up a hearty helping of drama, blending friendship, fairness, and a side of pasta salad strife. Our Reddit pal’s exit might seem petty to some, but the sting of unappreciated effort and vanishing leftovers is real. Mel’s gatherings could shine brighter with a pinch of balance—equal contributions and a sprinkle of respect for the cooks. In the end, friendship should taste better than a begrudged buffet.

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What would you do if you found yourself in a similar situation? Would you un-RSVP, confront the crew, or whip up a fruit tray and call it a day? Drop your thoughts, recipes, or potluck horror stories in the comments—let’s cook up a lively chat!

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