AITA for telling someone I never desired a daughter and didn’t “try for a girl”?

A sunny park day turned sour when a casual chat took a nosy turn. Picture a dad wrangling his two youngest sons on the swings, only to have a stranger assume he’s pining for a daughter. Her “poor thing” jab, thrown out in front of his boys, hit a nerve. The father’s quick clapback—that he loves his four sons and never “tried for a girl”—sparked a huff from the woman, who called him rude. Now, he’s left wondering if he overstepped.

This isn’t just about a park spat; it’s about the sting of unsolicited pity and the instinct to defend your family. The father’s pride in his sons clashes with society’s odd obsession with “balanced” families. Readers might feel his irritation, wondering why strangers feel entitled to comment on family makeup. Let’s unpack this playground drama.

‘AITA for telling someone I never desired a daughter and didn’t “try for a girl”?’

Weird question but I have 4 sons. They are 14, 12, 8, and 4. The older two are biological and the younger two were adopted after a birth complication made us infertile. I was at the park over the weekend with my younger two boys. I got to chatting with another couple and mentioned that I had 4 boys.

She said something like, 'Oh, you poor thing. I wanted a girl too but he (pointing to her husband) didn't want to have a 3rd.' I told her that I didn't try for a girl and that if I wanted a girl we could have put that in our adoption paperwork but we didn't have a gender preference. I had no strong desire for a girl and love having sons so she has no reason to feel sorry for me.

It rubbed me the wrong way that she said 'poor thing.' Like my boys aren't good enough for me and she said it right in front of them. They already have to field questions about being adopted. They shouldn't have to feel bad about their gender too, you know? Anyway, the lady got upset, told me I was being rude for no reason, and walked away.

I spoke to my SIL about it and she also felt I didn't handle it correctly. She has 3 girls and 1 boy and said it is just a normal thing people comment on. She said people will tell her that her son is going to be feminine because he only has sisters and she just shrugs it off so I should have done the same.. AITA?. Edit: Goodness guys. Reporting me for concern of self harm is crazy.

The stranger’s “poor thing” comment reveals a sneaky bias: the assumption that every parent craves a specific gender mix. The father’s response, defending his love for his sons, was a natural pushback against her pity, especially in front of his kids. Her accusation of rudeness likely stems from embarrassment over her misstep.

Dr. Susan Newman, in a Psychology Today article, notes, “Societal stereotypes often pressure parents to desire ‘one of each’ child, ignoring individual family joy.” The father’s choice to adopt without gender preference reflects a deliberate, loving decision, yet the stranger’s remark undermines it. A 2022 Pew Research study shows 54% of parents face intrusive comments about family size or gender, highlighting how common this nosiness is.

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The father’s directness was warranted, though softer phrasing might’ve de-escalated. Dr. Newman suggests, “Respond calmly to intrusive comments to maintain peace.” He could’ve said, “We’re thrilled with our boys,” to affirm his family without confrontation. For future encounters, brushing off such remarks with confidence protects his sons’ feelings while keeping the conversation light.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

The Reddit gang rolled in like a protective pack, dishing out support with a side of snark. From slamming the stranger’s assumptions to cheering the dad’s defense, the comments are a lively rally. Here’s the raw scoop:

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Clean_Permit_3791 − NTA - I’m one of 4 girls and people always used to say to my dad “did you want a boy to play with?” right in front of us, they even say it to me when I mention I am one of 4 girls. It always stung a little like why wouldn’t he want 4 daughters?!? We are great! and it still drives him mad and he used to slam that one right down

and make the person feel really stupid for saying something stupid - which made me feel better and confident. He is a proud girl dad and used to always finish by telling people how he must have been a saint in a past life to have been blessed with all girls.. You did the right thing and your boys deserve to know that they’re wanted and not a consolation prize!

Aftran_942 − NTA, that was weird and presumptuous of her. It feels like she's relying on a gendered stereotype that says that girls are easier kids to care for because they'll take on some of your household labor or work around your needs, where as boys can do whatever they want and there's no solution for it.

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Whereas the reality is that kids of all ages can learn to take on chores and help their parents, AND children of all ages should be allowed to have a childhood and be boisterous. Some f**king nonsense, and I'm glad you make sure your kids knew you wouldn't have wanted them any other way.

Heraonolympia123 − When are you having a baby? When are you having a 2nd? Will you go for a third now you have 2 of the same? Do you think you should have a 4th as they aren't getting enough attention? Do you have the money for all these children? Oh gosh, I bet you wish you'd stopped at 2?

No matter what the circumstances, a woman's reproduction (or family situation) is open season for comments. I have no idea why, but people project what they think is right/ideal on to others and ask questions that they wouldn't ask if it was about any other private thing.. NTA

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SamFle − NTA this other woman is being the AH. It rubbed you the wrong way when she said 'poor thing' because she meant it that way she was implying that you are worse off because of your sons and that you are too stupid to realise it.

Your SIL should have supported you, it might be normal to say 'did you ever want a girl?' but that is not what happened here, someone insulted the validity of your family. You are about the only person in this story with a healthy understanding of reality.

Blue_wine_sloth − NTA, she only accused you of being rude because she was embarrassed about making an assumption.

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serioushobbit − NTA. You did the right thing by sticking up for your boys in front of them. Maybe it will make this woman more cautious next time she opens her mouth, and maybe not. As for your sister-in-law, I definitely wouldn't get angry with someone who told me my son was 'going to be feminine', because that would make it sound as if feminine was a bad thing.

I might challenge them in another way, like 'Isn't it lucky that he's growing up with all these great role models for kindness and emotional availability? All boys should be so lucky!' but her situation is different, maybe not so harmful to shrug off that weird comment.

hiseoh8 − NTA. People. Need to shut up. Honestly. My dad is one of 11 boys. (#4). People used to say 'oh man if only she had girls' or some variation by people at gatherings and what not. I mean the brothers were notorious lol.

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But they were boys and did dumb crap like kids do. Anyway. One day my one uncle had enough and said 'well we would've had two sisters had my mother not had a miscarriage raising 11 boys almost by herself'.. That was the end of that.

ninja_heart − NTA - I hate it when people gatekeep gender and/or parenthood. Now here you have both.

Regular_Boot_3540 − NTA. Unless you cleaned up your response a lot, it doesn't sound like you said anything rude. But don't worry about your boys. I doubt they'll be impacted by what some random stranger says. Your day to day way of caring for them is bound to have a much stronger impact.

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lyan-cat − NTA. My daughter is my youngest and I always got comments about trying until I had a daughter. No. F**k no. Even if I was, it's not appropriate to comment on.

Is it a normal comment? Yes, from invasive assholes who make assumptions. And yes, it is intended to make a certain point about the amount of boys you had. And if you had daughters it would have been the same damn commentary.

These Redditors backed the father’s stand, but are they just fueling the fire or spot-on? Their takes highlight the universal irritation with nosy strangers.

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This playground clash shows how quickly a stranger’s words can jab at family pride. The father’s defense of his sons was a gut reaction to misplaced pity, though a gentler tone might’ve smoothed things over. Society’s obsession with “perfect” family setups fuels these awkward moments, but love, not gender, makes a family. Have you ever faced nosy comments about your family? How would you handle this situation? Share your stories below!

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