AITA For telling my younger brother he needs to find somewhere else to live?

Jonathan Hours
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A cozy home hums with life—two young girls tucked in bed, a 16-year-old brother keeping watch, and a couple tied up with late work shifts. This haven opened its doors to the teen, disowned by his parents, offering refuge in a storm. But one night, tension brews. The older sibling returns to find the brother’s boyfriend on the couch, eyes red from tears, breaking a clear no-guest rule.

Worry for the sleeping daughters surges—safety first, always. Frustration flares too, as the agreement unravels, and the brother’s pleas to stay tug at the heart. The stakes feel real: a clash of loyalty to a struggling sibling and the duty to protect one’s own. Readers, the weight of this moment stings—trust bends, and tough calls loom.

‘AITA For telling my younger brother he needs to find somewhere else to live?’

My little brother (16) has been living with me for a little over a year now, our parents kicked him out when he came out and I couldn't not take him in, he's my baby brother. My partner set a few ground rules when he moved in, no parties, his rent would be our weekly grocery bill, and if he could look after our 2 children (6 & 10) while we're both working late that would be amazing, and there would be no guests in our home.

He agreed to all of these conditions and was holding up to them very well until recently. My brother recently got a new boyfriend who we have met a couple of times and he seems really really sweet but we don't know really know him that well.

Anyway, my partner and I were working late the other night and he called me to find out if his boyfriend could come around and I told him I'd rather he didn't be around my girls while we were not there, he seemed fine with it and I thought nothing of it. However, when I got home there was his boyfriend, sitting on the couch with him.

I didn't disturb them because his boyfriend seemed emotionally distressed (he was crying) and when he left I asked my brother what happened, apparently his boyfriend just found out his parents are divorcing. I told him I was sorry for his boyfriend but I asked him not to have him over around my daughters until we were home and just because they were asleep, doesn't change the fact because anything could have happened.

We got into a bit of an argument with him defending himself and I ended up telling him I felt extremely disrespected and worried for my daughters because he wasn't our agreement and I have no idea how many times he's had people in the house without permission. I told him unfortunately he's going to need to find another place to stay, I have kids to look after and they come first.

We don't take much rent off him so he's got 15,000 in his bank account, he's not running a risk at being homeless. I told him he had until the end of March to find a place and until he does his regular duties stand. He started crying and apologizing and asking if he could stay so I told him I wasn't disowning him like our parents, he just can't live here anymore.

My husband says I was a complete AH and I need to tell him he's allowed to stay, he said he called first so he's most likely never had anyone else over without permission and he'd be a pretty bad boyfriend if he wasn't there as support. I feel like I may be the AH because my husband is usually tight on the rules and even he's willing to bend them for this....so..AITA?

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This family tangle—balancing a teen’s needs against a parent’s duty—sparks a tricky debate. The OP’s instinct to shield their daughters drives a firm line, yet ousting a 16-year-old for one misstep leans steep.

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned family researcher, notes in a 2019 Psychology Today article, “Trust is built in very small moments… but when it’s broken, repair attempts are crucial to rebuild connection” (source). Here, the brother called first, signaling respect, but the boyfriend’s crisis—his parents’ divorce—led to a breach. Gottman’s view highlights this as a fixable moment, not a pattern of betrayal.

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Zooming out, LGBTQ+ youth face a 120% higher risk of homelessness than peers, per a 2021 Trevor Project report (source). The OP’s shelter was a lifeline, but a grocery-bill “rent” and strict rules mix support with strain. A better path: revisit rules together—allow vetted guests with notice. Apologize for the snap ultimatum and rebuild trust, showing the kids grace in action.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Here are some hot takes from the Reddit crew—candid, spicy, and a little cheeky! Did the OP overreact, or are they just a parent dodging a wild card? Check out the buzz below.

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zippy_zaboo − YTA.. 1) First offense. 2) Nothing happened and there is no reason to believe anything would. So what if he had one friend over: If he wasn't acting inappropriately there's no risk to your girls. 3) He's 16? And you make him pay for all your groceries, and his, and also give free childcare...? Wow, pat yourself on the back there. Not. But YTA if you kick him out.

cillianellis − YTA. You're kicking out an already traumatized, disowned 16 year old for a first offense. And that's AFTER you've been charging said 16 year old rent and making him work as your babysitter in order to have a place to stay when your parents would have seen him homeless for something he can't change about himself.. I'm really curious how you could possibly think you're NOT be the a**hole here.

homoscarfiens2 − YTA. That's pretty harsh for a 16 year old, who hasn't broken that rule before, whose partner just found out something devastating. Perhaps he could have shot you a text as a heads up, but kicking him out with nowhere else to go could ruin not just your relationship with him, but might destabilize him for life. Time for a rule revisit.

PetrogradSwe − YTA. I understand your concern, but you're overreacting. He's sixteen, and he pays rent (all groceries for 5 people is a considerable amount), plus he's doing child care frequently, which is considerable value too.. Despite this he does not have any visitation rights, which is unusual.. I totally understand wanting to protect your kids.

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He may not even have thought he broke your rule, since his boyfriend was on the couch and not with your kids. While that wasn't what you meant, what you say here would arguably make him in compliance with your rule. And even if he broke the rule, it's once. You have reason to believe it's a first offense since he called first, and your daughters have never told you about any earlier transgressions.

Plus his boyfriend's parents just announced a divorce, that is a major crisis of a scale that happens less than once in a decade. Not exactly run-of-the-mill stuff. All in all, I think you need to make up your mind on how to treat him. You've set restrictions on him (no visitors, no parties) that are akin to treating him like a child or a young teenager.

But you've made demands on him (paying groceries and work as babysitter for rent) that is more in line with treating him like an adult.. And the 'first offense and you're out' is harsh even by adult standards. Honestly, I know you're trying to do the right thing here by taking care of your kids first and your brother too if you can, but I genuinely think you underestimate how much your brother means to your kids.

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I doubt he's just a babysitter to them, so while you need to maintain order and limit his friends' visits while you're away, I recommend you try to help nurture their relationship as long as it can be healthy for all of them. I recommend you let your brother stay. And to help him get over this exacerbation of his abandonment trauma, I strongly recommend apologizing to him over this.

hydrochloric_bukkake − YTA. You're telling us all that your little brother has no risk of being homeless, but he's *16*, his parents *disowned* him, and HE IS 16 YEARS OLD.. There is no scenario here where you aren't TA.

Packer224 − Some people are being too soft on you, this is a hard YTA. Your brother is only 16 years old, a kid. He has also gone through one of the most traumatic experiences a kid can go through, being kicked out by f**king terrible parents just for who he is.

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Even after that, he sounds like a great kid, especially if he’s good on paying rent to you (I wouldn’t charge my siblings rent in that situation) and is taking care of your kids. One singular emergency situation in which he breaks the rules to be a good boyfriend is enough for you to leave him on the streets? Do you know the statistics for homeless LGBTQ+ youth out there? Your husband is so right and you’re a massive AH.

oohhnikki − YTA. You put yourself in a place where you’ve taken over the care of another child, even if it is your brother. In the future, when your children turn 16, do you plan for them to pay you in order to live in your home? If you feel disrespected, are you going to demand they move out? If the answer is no, reconsider how you treat your brother. If the answer is yes, then you can go hang out with your parents in the “criminal child abandonment” dungeon.

PotatoLover-3000 − YTA. Despite being a KID, you charge him rent which he pays. You say you can’t afford another person so that’s why, yet he’s saving you in child care. Do you pay him for that? He’s responsible enough to save $15,000. He watches your kids for you. He hasn’t had any prior issues with rule breaking that you absolutely are sure of..

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His boyfriend had a traumatizing experience and instead of making an exception you kick your brother out? You don’t know if he’s had prior people over period and you are punishing him for perceived bad acts that can’t be proven. Is there something wrong with his boyfriend? Or just because you don’t know him? Or is because he’s gay?

Surely your brother has enough sense to ensure your kids are safe. If he doesn’t, then why do you leave them with him? You either trust his judgment or you don’t. If you gave a crap about your brother, you’d make an exception and let him stay.

If you want to punish him for having his boyfriend over without permission then make the punishment actually fit the crime. And maybe get to know you brother and his boyfriend so you feel comfortable with him in the house.

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Old-Advice-5685 − YTA- your brother needs a loving home, not a place to pay rent and nanny. He’s a kid trying to learn how to have friends and be a good partner, and now you are kicking him out too? How sad for him.

[Reddit User] − Info: what are you afraid will happen to your daughters?

These are popular opinions on Reddit, but do they really reflect reality? Maybe the truth lies in the messy middle—parental caution clashing with a teen’s cry for stability.

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This saga leaves us torn: a parent’s protective heart battles a sibling’s plea for a home, all spiced with broken rules and raw emotions. The OP’s worry for their daughters is real, yet the brother’s tears echo a deeper need—family, not just a roof. Reddit’s roasting the decision, and experts hint at repair over rejection. It’s a tightrope walk of trust, love, and limits. What would you do if you found yourself in a similar situation? Drop your thoughts below—have you faced a family clash like this? Share your wisdom and let’s untangle this together!

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