AITA for telling my wife we’re not going to pay our fair share for her parents assisted living?

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In the tense air of a family home, where heated words echo through the halls, a couple’s unity frays over a costly decision. A man, stunned to learn he’s expected to pay $5,000 a month for his in-laws’ assisted living—far more than his wife’s four siblings—rejects the plan, demanding an equal split. His wife, citing his higher income, insists it’s fair, but he sees it as exploitation of his hard-earned money.

The argument spirals, landing him in the guest bedroom as siblings clash and resentments flare. Was his refusal to shoulder the bulk of the cost a principled stand for fairness, or a selfish dodge of family duty? This raw dispute over money and loyalty pulls readers into a tangled web of familial obligation.

‘AITA for telling my wife we’re not going to pay our fair share for her parents assisted living?’

This whole situation has gotten way out of hand to the point everyone is yelling at everyone and I’m sleeping in the guest bedroom. My wife’s parents are at the point in their lives where they can no longer live by themselves. Their children decided the best place for them is an assisted living facility.

They started to look into different facilities and admittedly, I didn’t help because I figured the 5 adult siblings could handle it and I was never close to my in-laws. They found one that was perfect and my wife was very excited when she told me about it. I was less than thrilled when I found out our contribution will be roughly $3,000 upfront then $5,000 a month.

I immediately question why it cost roughly $15,000 upfront fee and $25,000 a month for 2 people in an assisted living apartment. I admit I sarcastically asked if their apartment is next door to Elon Musk’s parents. She then told me that we’re going to cover the lion’s share of the costs because we make more than her siblings.

That was the beginning of a week of texts, phone, and in-person arguments. She argues that her siblings make less money combined than we do and some are single so it would impact them more thus so it’s only fair we pay more. She also argues that this facility is not the best or most expensive, it’s a mid tier one with the best ratings.

According to her, anything lower have bad ratings and could put her parents’ safety in jeopardy. My argument is that there are 5 siblings so the costs should be divided equally between the 5 of them. I also argued that if 5 people can’t afford that place, they need to lower their standards.

That started a circular argument for hours between cost and safety. I couldn’t take it anymore and in the heat of the moment, I yelled, “we don’t make more that your brothers and sisters, I make more than all of you which is why you all want me to cover the cost for YOUR parents!”

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That was the beginning of my nights sleeping in the guest bedroom. I know as a married couple I shouldn’t consider “mine” and “yours” income but realistically I do make more than all of them and I think it’s unfair to make me pay the largest portion.. What do you all think?.

Update. I’m going to answer some questions.

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1. I assumed it was $25,000 a month because I assumed it was split 5 ways between the siblings and our share was $5,000 a month. It’ll be closer to $10,000 a month and our share is $5,000.

2. Her parents have assets including a house so I was told they don’t qualify for government assistance. I brought up the idea of selling their house but was shot down immediately. The siblings want to keep the house in the family because their great grandfather built it or something.

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3. I can afford to pay it but I don’t want to based on principle. Their division means I’ll be paying $5,000 a month while the youngest brother will be paying only $300 a month and will be living in the house. Their thinking is that he’ll be paying the insurance and taxes on the house so he can’t afford more than $300..

Another update:

4. I’m the only child to my parents. While they planned out their retirement, they worked their entire lives to put me through school and supported me through several degrees. I will be solely responsible for and will make sure their remaining days will be comfortable.

5. Per your suggestion, I asked my wife if we’re going contribute this much money to her parents, how they’re going to contribute to my parents when their time comes. She answered, “don’t be an i**ot, that’s an entirely different situation.” 6. I don’t want ownership of their house because it’s very old and needs major work. I brought up the idea of selling the house again and it was shot down again. They’re not budging on it.

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7. None of us know the laws and regulations when it comes to this so I finally got her to agree for us to sit down with an estate attorney. 8. Unless I feel up to it, this is probably the last update. I feel completely emotionally drained. I always knew my parents would get old but I never thought about it.

This family feud burns like a slow fuse—money, duty, and fairness at odds. The OP’s refusal to pay $5,000 monthly for his in-laws’ assisted living, while a sibling pays just $300, stems from feeling blindsided and exploited. His wife’s unilateral decision to commit his income, without his input, breaches trust.

Elder care costs are steep, but fairness matters. As financial planner Suze Orman notes, “Family contributions should reflect transparent agreement, not assumed entitlement.” The siblings’ refusal to sell the family home, a potential asset, and their expectation that the OP’s income covers the gap, reeks of opportunism. This reflects broader issues: in-law financial disputes often strain marriages when communication falters.

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The OP and his wife need an estate attorney to explore options, like selling the home or government aid eligibility. A mediated discussion with all siblings could reset expectations. If unfair demands persist, separate finances may protect the OP.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Reddit’s takes are as fiery as a family showdown over the dinner table! Here’s what the community had to say:

[Reddit User] − I’m pretty sure alimony would be cheaper.. NTA. Edit—-. Thanks for the awards!!

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BurnAfterEating420 − NTA the fact that you were left out of the decision process and then expected to pony up the equivalent of a $700,000 mortgage payment is a really unreasonable ask.. the cost should be split evenly. if it can't be afforded, then they need to find a cheaper place. I would not be part of a family that uses 'just marry a guy who makes a lot of money and have him pay it' as their long term parents care plan.

CallMeBaby__92 − NTA of course in a marriage there shpuldnt be a mine/yours arguement going on but the fact your wife agreed to pay more, knowing it's coming out of YOUR income isnt acceptable. It is not your parents. Of the 5 siblings single handedly cannot afford it, it IS too expensive.

I could never imagine paying so much, and I also have 4 siblings. None of us could afford that, single or married. Not your parents not your problem. Either they find a cheaper option or they divide it equally under the 5 siblings, no spouses

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turkeyburger124 − NTA I think the real issue is the fact that your wife made a decision for you both (that impacts you significantly) without your input. I hope that you’re able to work through this

BetAlternative8397 − What can the siblings afford with everyone making an equal contribution? That’s the nursing home price you need to look at. Do your in laws have any wealth? (House, investment property, savings, pensions?)

those resources should be exhausted before anyone pays a penny. If you overpay and your in laws do have assets when they die, are the siblings going to give you a significantly higher inheritance? I think not.. NTA

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KronkLaSworda − NTA, no. Jesus. My 3000 sqft house, car note, and all of my bills don't cost that much. Do not pay that much. If you still are willing to help, then tell them a number you are willing to pay and that's it.

They have to find the rest of the money or lower their standards. Your wife is WAY out of line demanding you pay this. SHE can start sleeping on the couch. You can't be asked to pay for your inlaws to live that far above their means. they made their choices in life.

Mansegate − NTA other people do not get to decide how your family spends its money. (Though OP's a bit of an AH for 'I make more etc.' - but I asknowledge s/he was sorely provoked.). Factors that don't seem to be taken into account yet are -.

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* Does OP have parents? Might they need care? Who pays for that? Can Op afford both?. * Do OP & his/her wife have children? How would this financial responsibility impact them?. * If the cost were split amongst the five siblings, how much would they be on the hook for?

* Is this one of those situations where payment could reasonably be a percentage of salary? E.g. if $5k is (I dunno), 20% of OP's salary, then can the siblings each contribute 20% of their salaries.. * What assets are the parents bringing to this? What are their pensions?. * How much would in-home care cost?

As much as an assisted-living facility? It doesn't sound as if the options had been properly assessed, and as if they'd all jumped to 'Assisted Living Facility because OP will cover most of it' without thinking things through. Back to the table, folks.

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TrueJackassWhisperer − NTA. Understood that you're married. But unless this expectation was clearly communicated to you before getting married, YOU are not responsible for her parents. Let your wife and her siblings figure it out.

Bananas4skail − NTA. You could rent then a feckin house with a live in aid for less than that! Do you have kids? I hope you're not taking away from their future cuz your on laws won't pay their fair share. And ps, thus is the first time I'd go with your and my finances.... But then you'd be stuck with everything else.

oaksandpines1776 − NTA. Effective immediately, time to separate finances. Get your own bank she does not have access to. Joint account for all bills. Only transfer enough to joint account to pay for half of all utilities, rent, mortgage, insurance, food, phone etc. If your wife wants to pay the majority, she can after her half of all bills are paid from her salary.

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If she does not have enough to eat out on, buy makeup, buy new clothes, vacations, entertainment, or to save for retirement, then that is on her. If she can't afford food, a bag of dried beans and rice are filling and can last an entire week for a single person for less than $10.

These opinions roar, but do they clarify the conflict or just fuel the fire?

This care cost clash leaves us pondering: was the OP wrong for refusing to pay more for his in-laws’ assisted living, or was his stand for equal contributions fair? Money and family obligations tangle like thorny vines. What would you do if your spouse expected you to cover most of their parents’ care costs? Share your thoughts and experiences below!

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