AITA for telling my wife we shouldn’t have a baby until she sees a dr about her anxiety and stops cleaning so much?

Imagine a house so spotless it could double as a surgical suite, the air thick with the sharp tang of bleach and pine. For one husband, let’s call him James, this is daily life with his wife, whose self-diagnosed anxiety fuels an endless cleaning spree. As their two-year marriage hits the baby-planning milestone, James is pumping the brakes, insisting she see a doctor about her anxiety and curb the chemical overload before they bring a child into their sterile world.

This isn’t just about a sparkling countertop—it’s about health, safety, and a marriage at a crossroads. James’s ultimatum has his wife fuming, accusing him of doubting her as a future mom. Reddit’s jumped in, tossing out takes as bold as a bottle of industrial cleaner. Is James right to prioritize mental health and a safer home, or is he scrubbing away his wife’s feelings? Let’s dive into this squeaky-clean drama.

‘AITA for telling my wife we shouldn’t have a baby until she sees a dr about her anxiety and stops cleaning so much?’

My wife has self diagnosed anxiety. She won’t talk to her doctor about it because she says that she has it managed. She says cleaning relieves her anxiety. The problem is that I think the cleaning is a symptom of her anxiety and not a solution. She constantly cleans. I mean constantly. Our house smells like cleaning products at all times.

We try to buy eco friendly cleaners but she says some stuff you just need the “hard chemicals” to get it as clean as she wants.. I have begged her to go to the dr about her anxiety but she refuses. We decided we would start trying for a baby after 2 years of marriage. We recently hit the 2 year mark and she wants to start trying.

I told her she needs to see a dr about her anxiety first and get control of her obsessive cleaning. I don’t think it would be safe to bring a baby in our house with all of the cleaning fumes. I don’t even think it’s safe for us. The one compromise we’ve come to is no harsh chemicals in our bedroom but everything else is free game.

Now I’m wanting to take it a step further. Like one day a week she can clean with harsh chemicals and the rest, we need to just stick to soap or vinegar and water. I told her I will not willingly try for a baby until we get this under control. She’s pissed at me for giving her an “ultimatum” and thinks I’m implying that she’d be a bad mom.. Am I wrong for not wanting to try for a baby under these circumstances?

James’s stance on delaying parenthood until his wife addresses her anxiety is a tough call wrapped in care. Dr. Gail Saltz, a psychiatrist, notes, “Untreated anxiety can escalate during pregnancy and postpartum, impacting both parent and child” .

The broader issue is mental health stigma in family planning. A 2022 study in The Lancet found that 15-20% of women experience heightened anxiety during pregnancy, with untreated cases risking postpartum complications . James’s ultimatum, while blunt, stems from concern for his wife’s well-being and a future child’s safety. Her refusal to seek help, insisting she has it “managed,” suggests denial that could strain their marriage further.

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Dr. Saltz advises, “Couples facing mental health challenges should seek joint counseling to align goals.” James could propose couples therapy to discuss her anxiety and cleaning habits, framing it as a team effort rather than a judgment. Suggesting eco-friendly cleaning days or a trial period with a therapist could ease her into professional help. By showing support while holding firm on safety, James can keep the conversation open without wiping out trust.

Here’s the comments of Reddit users:

Reddit rolled in like a cleaning crew on overdrive, dishing out opinions with the zest of a lemon-scented wipe. Here’s the unfiltered scoop from the community:

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stumpdawg − NTA. And no one thinks about this. Being exposed to a certain level of germs is a good thing. Being raised in a house you could build space based telescopes in can lead to allergies.

workthrowaway212 − NTA and she is right that you are giving her an ultimatum... no s**t sometimes you need one. This is not normal cleaning behavior as far as i can tell.

Seeker131313 − NTA. Pregnant women shouldn't be constantly breathing harsh cleaning fumes. Babies are adorable harbingers of mess and germs. How will she change a diaper, and what would she think necessary to get the baby 'clean enough'? How would she react if the baby spits up on her?

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Post-partum anxiety sounds like something your wife might be at high risk for, judging by your portrayal. It is not harsh for you to want your wife to address her mental health and develop a relationship with a professional to support her before beginning the journey of huge, and often very stressful, life change.

MythicalBeast45 − Is it possible she has OCD, rather than anxiety? Based on the way you describe her cleaning habits, that sounds a lot more likely.. In any case, I would say NAH.

MiskiMoon − NTA. Only have a child when you think you're ready.. Babies cannot live in a sterile environment, unfortunately ultimatums can sometimes be necessary

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positivechickpea − NTA - pregnancy has realllllllly ramped up my anxiety in all departments. It is hard on the body and on the mind, she should be in a good spot before you guys conceive.

GonnaBeIToldUSo − NTA...Your wife definitely need some help and you are right to insist that she need some therapy you should offer to go with her and tell her you love her and you want her to get her anxiety under control but make sure that she understands it’s not because you don’t want to have a family with her it’s because you want to see her live her best life

[Reddit User] − NTA. I have a friend similar to this, with major anxiety who just had a baby. Her anxiety is now in uncontrollable overdrive and ruining her relationship. She will not sleep because shes sure her baby will throw up and die if she looks away for a minute, and the lack of sleep is magnifying her anxious behaviours.

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She needs to see someone about it. If shes unwilling to talk to a doctor on her own I would insist on couples counseling so she can have her eyes opened to the reality of what shes doing to both of your lives and hopefully move to individual counseling to deal with her problems

maam- − NAH. I’ve had anxiety ever since I can remember, and I had a baby a year ago. In my experience, it only made my anxiety worse. Postpartum Anxiety is a real and serious issue, one that she will be predisposed to having because of her history of anxiety. Another commenter said it already but, babies are messy as hell.

Between the spit up, poop, pee, the laundry the bottles and everything else, it’s hard to keep up. Not to mention the postpartum period is already overwhelming even if you don’t have anxiety. It is a very good idea for her to talk to someone about her anxiety before even starting the process of attempting to conceive, which is also a very anxiety inducing experience.

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You’re not an ass for being concerned, and she’s not an ass for having anxiety. Maybe suggest going to talk to a professional together. Talk to her OB together as well, they can give you more information on PPD/A and what to look out for and the resources available.

backupbitches − She’s pissed at me for giving her an “ultimatum” and thinks I’m implying that she’d be a bad mom. This will sound harsh, but she will be. If she refuses to address her compulsive behaviours, she will 100% project that onto the child, which will mess it up for life.

You're doing the right thing. Throw in a compromise that you'll attend counseling with her (marriage/couples) so that she doesn't feel totally alone or like she's entirely to blame for all of life's problems. Getting help can be a two person deal. NTA.

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These Redditors scrubbed through James’s dilemma, cheering his concern for safety while questioning his wife’s resistance to help. Some saw his ultimatum as a necessary wake-up call, others worried it felt too harsh. But do their takes clean up the whole picture, or are they just spraying opinions everywhere?

James’s push to delay baby plans until his wife tackles her anxiety is a messy mix of love, worry, and tough love. With their home drowning in chemical fumes and her mental health unaddressed, he’s fighting for a safer future. But has his ultimatum polished their path forward or left smudges on their marriage? What would you do if your partner’s habits raised red flags before starting a family? Share your thoughts below and let’s mop up this domestic drama!

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