AITA For telling my wife to take time off work if she wants time for herself?

In today’s fast-paced world, even the best-laid plans can go awry, especially when career advances disrupt the delicate balance at home. A husband’s recent promotion brought not only a pay raise but also a major shift in his work schedule, transforming family routines overnight. What began as a hopeful compromise has slowly escalated into mounting frustrations, leaving his wife feeling isolated and overwhelmed.

This shift has stirred emotions on both sides as the extra income comes with hidden costs. With the husband handling chores on weekdays, the weekends have become a battleground for solo parenting, leaving little room for personal downtime. The domestic harmony they once enjoyed is now clouded by unspoken resentments and the struggle for balance.

‘AITA For telling my wife to take time off work if she wants time for herself?’

My wife (40F) and I (39M) have been married for 12 years and have 2 kids (9 & 7). We both work full time, but I have got promoted about 3 months ago that required a change to my work hours. I used to have the same standard M-F hours as my wife. But my new role has me working 10-hour shifts Thursday-Sunday.

This promotion came with a pretty substantial pay raise as well. My wife and I discussed how my change in hours would affect our family's day-to-day lives, but we both agreed it would be worth it for the additional income. I use my time off on Monday-Wednesday to do pretty much all the family shopping, errands, cleaning, laundry, and have even been able to make substantial progress on some long put-off home projects.

I also cook dinners and prep weekly lunches for the kids and my wife. The additional income is becoming noticeable as well as we haven't had this much in our savings account in years. A few weeks ago, my wife started griping about my new job. She hates that I am working all weekend because that means she's with the kids the whole time.

She complains that she goes from working all week to solo-parenting on weekends. Both our kids are in activities on weekends so she has been doing that by herself as well. We talked about ways to ease some of the weekend stuff from her such as getting a babysitter, carpooling to kids' activities, taking the kids to their grandparents, etc.

But she still complains that all of the leg work for those things will be done by her because I'm at work. She said she feels like she never has any time for herself since my hours got changed. To try and alleviate this, I suggested that she make plans with friends to do something on Monday or Tuesday nights.

She tried but got frustrated when her friends were busy those nights and wanted to get together on weekends. This led to another argument with her telling me that she hates my new job and that I need to look into changing my hours again. I told her that I have been trying everything to help ease the transition with my new job but all I've been met with is hostility and frustration.

I asked her if there was anything more I could do other than change my hours and she told me,

I got frustrated and told her if she needs time for herself, she should just use vacation time from work if she's not going to be reasonable and help me find a compromise. She got even more mad and told me I am being an AH. She made me sleep in the guest room and told me that I can't come back to our bed unless I

Letting your partner take time for themselves can be a vital yet challenging element in any relationship. In this scenario, the husband’s work schedule change—despite its benefits—has inadvertently burdened his wife with extended parenting duties. While he has attempted to mitigate the impact by managing household tasks on his off days, the essence of support sometimes lies in truly understanding and validating one’s emotional needs. Recognizing this emotional gap is the first step towards a more balanced family dynamic.

Traditional roles and expectations often add layers of complexity to modern partnerships. Here, the wife’s sense of isolation during long weekends without a breather has highlighted an imbalance that goes beyond mere scheduling conflicts. It serves as a reminder that even when practical solutions like hiring help or adjusting routines are available, emotional support remains a critical factor in nurturing a sustainable home environment.

Dr. Laura Vanderkam, a widely recognized time management expert, once stated, “A well-planned schedule not only frees up time, it gives you a sense of control over your life.” This perspective speaks volumes in the context of this dispute. By reevaluating priorities and openly discussing expectations, the couple could realign their schedules to ensure both partners find time for personal rejuvenation. Such adjustments not only improve daily interactions but also foster a healthier overall family atmosphere.

The underlying tension in the story is not just about household chores or parenting logistics—it’s about feeling valued and understood. A proactive approach where the husband not only offers solutions but also takes initiative in implementing them could bridge the emotional gap. Utilizing the extra income to subsidize help like a nanny or babysitter could be one practical method. Moreover, structured family time combined with designated personal breaks may significantly improve both partners’ well-being.

Ultimately, achieving balance in a dual-income household requires both practical adjustments and empathetic communication. Engaging in candid discussions about each other’s needs might pave the way for solutions that honor both personal time and shared responsibilities. As the couple navigates this transitional period, a collaborative approach—bolstered by expert-backed strategies—can transform tension into an opportunity for strengthening their relationship.

Take a look at the comments from fellow users:

Here are some hot takes from the Reddit community – candid and humorous insights reflecting a wide array of perspectives.

[Reddit User] − INFO:. Do you actually need the extra money or is it more in the category of

Metasequioa − As a first step, you could try validating her?

KBD_in_PDX − NAH. Your family is in a state of transition and it's hard. Honestly, your wife has it harder than you, and she's telling you she needs more support. You can make this better by providing her with the support she needs, and taking care if it so she doesn't have to.

I'd suggest using some of that extra income to hire a nanny for 1 weekend day per week AND 1-2 weeknights/month (for a date night). Use the weekend day (like a 08:00 - 14:00) with the nanny for extra parenting support - carpooling to activities, taking care of errands that need doing, etc. To give your wife extra support on those LOOOOONG solo-parenting weekends.

Then, use the 1-2 weeknights (after work, like 18:00 - 23:00) to either do regular date nights, or to use those nights for solo fun activities (friends dinner, etc.). Couples counseling would also be good. You should take on the seeking, hiring, interviewing, etc. of the nanny, and establish regular care so that your wife can just rely on that support.

I think the work that you're doing in the household on your days off is great, but the opportunity I see is for you to take on more of the parenting duties in a way that gives your wife back some bandwidth for other things she might've been using her weekends for, outside of the kids.

Right_Count − YTA for an obscene lack of sympathy for your wife. She’s “on” seven days a week either with work and/or the kids. You get three days “off” every week where you can do your own stuff at your own pace, and no days where you are responsible for the kids all day.. And there’s probably a lack of quality time as a couple. I don’t know what the solution is, there might not be one that ticks every box, but this one ain’t it.

Dense-Passion-2729 − Ok I’m the first to say how your spouse feels and the mental/emotional/physical load division is so important in a relationship. That being said it sounds like you do a lot to set your family up for success on your days off. It does also sound like your wife is deeply o**rwhelmed. Are you able to help her in finding solutions for the weekends that would give her a day off or some flexibility here?

When I was feeling deeply o**rwhelmed my husband protected time for me to do something for myself but I was so deep into burnout and overwhelm that the idea of coming up with something else to do during that “me-time” made me cry. In order for you both to earn this extra money she essentially gets no days off. Can you take on the responsibility of hiring out or ensuring she gets a day off and some time to herself?

DiskSufficient2189 − YTA Why haven’t you used your Monday-Wednesday to schedule a sitter already? Your wife essentially gets zero time at home without the kids, and two days alone with them. You get 3 school days worth of solo time, so stop “discussing” hiring a sitter and do it.

You sound like a very involved dad, but a lot of involved dads still wait around for mom to organize things, and while that may have worked when you were working the same hours, you need to take some of the mental load if you aren’t already. She has to get the kids ready for all their activities on the weekend, so it should be on you to arrange the carpooling, schedule the sitter and grandparent visits, sign them up for their activities, etc. 

PicklesAndCoorslight − I am not going to make any vote on who is the AH but you obviously have the much better deal than your wife.

dundersnus − ESH. Your suggestion that she should use up her vacation days was stupid. I take it you’re not interested in having a longer period of leave/rest together with your whole family in the foreseeable future?. She’s an AH for demanding you just ”fix this” and banishing you to the guestroom. Not cool.

I think she appreciates that you try to take care of as many household chores as you can when you are free, but it sounds like that isn’t what she finds most important. She wants some time to be herself (not mom) and maybe she misses you/family time, since it doesn’t sound like you see eachother as much as you used to..

Is there a reason you can’t get a sitter on the weekends? Try to have a calm discussion about this, and LISTEN to eachother. It’s possible that you can make this work and these are just growing pains, but it is also possible that the money actually isn’t worth it.

JesusFuckImOld − YTA the problem isn't with the compromises you've offered. It's that you're only offering her solutions for her to implement. I didn't see a single thing there about you validating her feelings, or spending your time to help alleviate the pressure. Have you dropped the kids off at the grandparents on a random Tuesday and run a bath for your wife ready for her when she got home?.

Or arranged for them to pick up the kids on a Saturday? Have you ever even said

heyitsta12 − The easy solution here is to start taking the kids out once a week or every other week on a week night for dinner or a movie or something and letting her have the house to herself for the evening.. You’re listing household chores, do something with your children so she can come home to an empty, clean house!. Edit add judgement: YTA very slightly for not realizing the issue is about parenting and not just household chores.

These opinions capture the diverse sentiments of users, ranging from calls to validate the wife’s feelings to suggestions that the husband take more direct action. While the comments provide plenty of food for thought, they also invite us to consider whether practical solutions might truly ease domestic tensions, or if deeper communication is needed to bridge the gap

In conclusion, the heart of this issue lies in balancing professional success with personal fulfillment at home. The husband’s career advancement has brought undeniable benefits, yet it has also exposed the challenges of managing household responsibilities and the emotional toll of solo parenting weekends.

How do we ensure that both partners feel supported and valued amidst such changes? What would you do if you found yourself in a similar situation? Share your experiences, insights, and ideas in the comments below—let’s start a meaningful discussion on achieving true work-life balance.

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