AITA for telling my wife that she can’t freeze her eggs?

Shirley Stafford Hours
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A young couple’s world turned upside down when ovarian cancer forced a heart-wrenching choice. Facing a hysterectomy that would end their chance for biological children, the wife clung to hope through egg-freezing, a costly lifeline. In their modest apartment, the air grew heavy with tension as her husband, staring down a mountain of medical debt, drew a hard line: they couldn’t afford it. His blunt words cut deep, sparking a rift at a time when unity was needed most.

Her desire for a future family collided with his fears of financial ruin, turning a medical crisis into a marital crossroads. Was he wrong to shut down her dream, or is he just grappling with an impossible reality? This raw story of love, loss, and tough choices pulls readers into a deeply personal debate, where empathy and practicality clash.

‘AITA for telling my wife that she can’t freeze her eggs?’

My wife and I have been married for under a year. She has ovarian cancer and needs a full hysterectomy. Our insurance isn't great, and we have had to lean on family. This will take any chances we have at biological children together. While that's sad, we can always adopt or foster when the time comes.

We're in our early 20s, we have decades. The problem is, she has a very limited window to try to freeze some eggs or embryos. We absolutely cannot do that. It would cost at least 14k just to harvest some, and then we'd be paying storage fees until we got together another 100k+ for a surrogate, not including IVF or any other fees I'm not familiar with.

I'm sorry, but we don't have the money to do that, and it's disturbing to think about. Our genes aren't that great to justify spending so much. The statistics don't even bear out a high success rate, or even a statistically significant success rate.

We're already going to be in debt for years, but that's actually necessary. Spending hundreds of thousands on what is ultimately a pipe dream isn't.. I understand wanting biological children, but this just... isn't worth it.

A cancer diagnosis thrust this couple into a storm of emotional and financial strain. The wife’s wish to freeze her eggs reflects a desperate grasp for control over her fertility, while the husband’s veto, driven by cost concerns, underscores their precarious situation. Both are navigating grief, but his blunt delivery deepened her pain.

Dr. Susan Block, a marriage therapist, notes in Psychology Today, “Medical crises amplify communication breakdowns in couples.” A 2023 study from the Journal of Health Psychology found that 65% of couples facing serious illness report conflicts over treatment or family planning decisions. The wife’s focus on egg-freezing, despite low success rates (about 30-40% per cycle per the American Society for Reproductive Medicine), is a natural response to losing her fertility. The husband’s financial concerns are valid, with egg-freezing costs averaging $14,000 plus ongoing storage fees.

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His phrasing—“you can’t”—felt dismissive, sidelining her emotional needs. Dr. Block advises, “Empathy before solutions prevents resentment.” He could validate her grief before discussing finances, perhaps exploring aid from groups like the Livestrong Foundation, which supports cancer patients with fertility costs. She might benefit from counseling to process her loss. Open, gentle dialogue can help them face this crisis together.

See what others had to share with OP:

Reddit dove into this heart-wrenching dilemma with a mix of empathy and tough love, like a therapy session gone viral. From urging compassion to debating financial realities, the comments are a raw blend of support and critique. Here’s the unfiltered scoop:

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IridianRaingem − NAH. But don’t go telling her she can’t. Talk through the financials of the situation in a way that helps her understand you guys just can’t afford to do this. It’s sad, and I feel bad for her. She won’t have biological children, but you guys can foster and make a huge difference in an existing child’s life.

jowesche − NAH But when you go through the financial nightmare with her. Say WE can't do it. Not YOU.

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[Reddit User] − NAH. She’s not an a**hole for wanting to do it and you’re not an a**hole for thinking through the financial ramifications. I think you guys need to sit down and have a really honest conversation so you can explain your side to her.

9yroldalien − Gonna go with YTA just for how your phrased it. Yes you are the a**hole for telling your wife she can never have children of her own when she is already going through an insanely trying time. If that is something she feels extremely strongly about, it's her right to have that desire and try to come up with a solution to make it happen.

That being said, it sounds like it's probably not likely that she will be able to freeze her eggs anyway given your financial situation, so rather than TELLING her she can't, I would give her time to come to that conclusion on her own, and/or offer to go to couple's counseling together to talk it out further.

Having biological children can be the most important thing in life to some people and it sounds like you are approaching this with a little less sympathy than one should have, given the situation.

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forfuckssaketodd − FYI There are charities that help women freeze eggs.

Miss_cinders − YTA for policing her body during an incredibly emotional time. I understand you hope that you will spend your lives together, but circumstances can change and this decision will have a life long impact on her and her ability to have a family in the future (either with or without you).

If you were to divorce you could still have biological children but you would have taken her chances away. You don’t have to use the eggs in the future, but they are there if she decides she wants to. Hearing you not only have cancer but also won’t be able to have your own children is a damaging blow on the psyche.

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For a lot of women, we are conditioned from a young age to tie our worth around our ability to have and mother children and she has just had this long held belief stripped from her. If freezing her eggs brings her any comfort than you support her in doing it.

I say this having been in this situation, the emotional turmoil of cancer and losing my fertility was devastating. I made the choice to freeze my eggs, not embryos, while still married to my now ex-husband. He wasn’t sure about kids but I knew I wanted them, so he supported my decision to move forward with the process.

I now have one, soon to be two children with my current partner because of my decision. If you are worried about the money, her reproductive endocrinologist can reach out to the Livestrong Foundation who helps with the cost of egg retrieval and storage fees in cases of cancer.

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My out of pocket would have been over $20k, reduced to $5k with the program, and their office ate the costs due to my circumstances. There are other organizations that help with these costs as well.

bikebikecurious − YTA. Not for where you’ve landed re this decision, but because you don’t seem to empathize with the emotional magnitude of what your wife is dealing with right now, and why money might seem less important to her than the prospect of having a bio kid. You need to do some reflection before you have this convo with her.

BillB0ard − Hey just wanted to make a comment about frozen embryos, I was frozen for 10 years then put into my “non-genetic real mother” and I’m okay! am 18 now hope you guys can get through this!

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kittenoftheeast − YTA. Not for the finances, but your attitude. Your wife is an adoptee, yet you make comments like 'our genes aren't that great': the whole point is that she has never had anyone who shared her genes!

She didn't get to grow up with a biological family and this was her chance to create one. She doesn't want to be an adoptive mother, and the fact that you seem to blast right past that to make it just about money is a real issue.

cheeruphamlet − OP, as someone whose partner is probably going to have to have to a hysterectomy in a few years with other fertility issues in the mix who is also very low-income, I hope you'll read this comment.

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YTA but, as others have said, for your attitude. What your wife is facing is very traumatizing for many women, due to both how serious ovarian cancer is and how devastating it can be to learn you can't conceive/bear children.

My partner and I cannot afford egg harvesting and storage either, and we're significantly older than you and your wife. If one of us doesn't luck out and land a new job that pays several times more than we make now soon, having a biological child is off the table

And like the situation you describe, there are genetic factors that also make it risky. So I get where you're coming from. But that bit of 'news' is utterly heartbreaking to many women, and treating the situation as flippantly as your post implies suggests you may not understand just how life-altering what your wife is going through is going to be.

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I also want to comment on your argument about adoption or fostering because this is something else my partner and I must consider. That is also very expensive, especially with the finances you describe. You don't just fill out an application and get a kid; the upfront costs alone are several thousand dollars, in some cases, more than the egg harvesting cost you're looking at.

And if your finances aren't great and you both have genetic issues that could impact your health, there's a good chance you will not be approved for adoption anyway. As for fostering, in some situations, fostering the child carries the risk of the child being taken away if the court orders that they go back to a family member.

My point here is: your wife isn't *just* looking at both having cancer and being unable to have biological children; with what you describe, she is also looking at the possibility that she will never have children -- period. I don't think you're TA for your concerns.

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Not by a long shot. Your concerns are absolutely valid. But please understand that what your wife is going through is so much bigger and more frightening on multiple levels than your post and comments suggest you realize, and please approach the situation with sensitivity to that.

These Redditors split on the husband’s stance, praising his practicality but slamming his delivery. Do their takes capture the full weight of this crisis, or are they missing the mark? This couple’s struggle has sparked a heated conversation.

This cancer-fueled clash reveals the gut-punch of balancing dreams and dollars. The husband’s focus on finances aims to protect their future, but his bluntness risks wounding his wife at her most vulnerable. Her longing for biological children is valid, yet their reality demands tough choices. Empathy and teamwork could light a path forward, perhaps with external support. What would you do if illness forced you to choose between hope and practicality? Share your thoughts below!

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