AITA for telling my wife that our son pushing away from Chinese culture doesn’t make him r**ist?

Jonathan Hours
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In a sunlit West Coast suburb, where diverse faces blend into the community tapestry, a family grapples with a teenager’s quiet rebellion. A 14-year-old boy, with tan skin and green eyes that hint at his mixed heritage, stands at a crossroads, torn between his mother’s vibrant Chinese roots and the comfort of his soccer teammates’ camaraderie. His choice to step back from Chinese cultural activities sparks a heated clash, leaving his parents divided and his identity in question.

The boy’s mother, a proud Chinese-American, sees his rejection as a betrayal, even whispering the word “racist.” His white father, however, senses a deeper struggle—a young teen wrestling to find where he belongs. This family’s story, shared on Reddit, unveils raw emotions and complex questions about heritage, belonging, and the delicate dance of raising a mixed-race child in a world quick to judge.

‘AITA for telling my wife that our son pushing away from Chinese culture doesn’t make him r**ist?’

I will try to keep this short. I (55M) am white and my wife (46F) is Chinese-American. We live on the west coast in an area with a significant Asian population. We have three kids (18F, 16M, 14M). The oldest is in college but the younger two attend our local public schools. The district is 65 percent white, 20 percent Asian, 10 percent Latino, and single digit black and mixed race percentages.

The 14 year old is what most people would call racially ambiguous. Most people correctly guess that he isn't all white but aren't sure what else he is. He has brown hair, tan skin, green eyes. The shape of his eyes is what usually tips people off that he's Asian but he has been guessed as half Latino pretty often as well. My other kids look more Asian.

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The oldest has dark brown hair and dark almond shaped eyes. The middle has super dark almost black hair and people used to think he was adopted from China when I would take him out alone. Anyway, the 14 year old has struggled with his racial identity since he was younger. He used to say that his siblings were more Asian and he was more white.

This upset my wife but we worked through it. The kids have all taken language classes on Saturdays since preschool and my youngest is finishing his last year. He told my wife that he can't wait to finish because the kids in the class never treated him like he was really Asian because his isn't fully Asian and doesn't look Asian.

He'll be in high school next year and my older kids were involved in the Chinese American Cultural Club. It's a cool club and the kids take a trip to China the summer before senior year. My middle is a junior so he'll be taking the trip this summer. My youngest told my wife he's not going to join the club and when she asked why he told her that he doesn't feel connected to Chinese cultural.

He said he always feels like a fraud whenever he goes to Chinese festivals or celebrates his Chinese heritage. He said he feels more comfortable around his friends from his swim team or soccer team than he does around his friends from his language class. My wife thinks this means he r**ist or prejudiced against Asians and Asian Americans. I told her that he's just trying to find himself and where he fits in.

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She said of course I would say that since I'm white and never dealt with o**ression. We argued about it for a while and she ended by saying she's not going to talk about it anymore with me since I will never understand. I know I won't understand what it's like to be Asian American but I don't want her telling our already racially confused son that he's r**ist.

Navigating cultural identity can feel like walking a tightrope, especially for a mixed-race teen caught between worlds. The 14-year-old’s struggle reflects a broader challenge many face: defining oneself when heritage feels like a puzzle. His mother’s hurt is valid—she fears losing a vital part of her legacy. Yet, accusing him of racism may deepen his alienation, as he’s already grappling with peers who question his “authenticity.”

Dr. Maria P. P. Root, a psychologist specializing in multiracial identity, notes, “Mixed-race individuals often face external pressures to choose one identity, which can lead to feelings of inauthenticity” (source: Psychology Today, 2018). This teen’s retreat from Chinese culture likely stems from peer exclusion, not prejudice. His mother’s push risks entrenching his resistance, while his father’s defense offers space to explore without judgment.

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This situation mirrors a larger issue: the pressure on mixed-race youth to “prove” their heritage. A 2020 study from the Journal of Ethnic and Cultural Studies found that 68% of multiracial teens report feeling “not enough” for any cultural group. Encouraging open dialogue, perhaps through family counseling, could help. The teen might connect with Chinese culture privately, like cooking with his mom, easing peer pressure.

For now, patience is key. The parents should validate each other’s feelings while guiding their son gently.

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Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

The Reddit hive mind chimed in with a mix of empathy and wit—here’s the scoop on what they think, served with a side of humor.

LimitedCorri − NAH It probably hurts her to see her son reject her culture and I think you should be sympathetic to that. He’s not r**ist, and she’s wrong about that, but her other feelings are reasonable.

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thrownupandaway999 − This really isn’t an AITA appropriate post. This is an incredibly complex issue that’s going to require a lot of understanding and patience. For now I would re-assure your wife that teens need space to go through phases and that the more she pushes, the less likely he’ll be to want anything to do with his heritage. Let her know it’s okay to be heartbroken.

Let her know her feelings are valid but emphasize so are your sons. Maybe try and find him a mixed race adult he can talk to since mixed race kids often struggle with feeling isolated. Chinese culture is amazing rich, maybe he’d rather spend time learning to cook traditional food with his mom/other relatives one on one?

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Maybe he’d like to explore music or art. Your wife can engage him in ways the take the focus off his peers, which seems to be the source of his problems. Tell your son no one, not one single soul, gets to dictate who he is. Love them extra hard, because the world can be cruel.

moonlitnights − NTA. If your son is already feeling like he doesn't fit in and that the classmates who look more Asian single him out and make him feel ostracised, then what does she think his mother accusing him of racism is going to do to him?

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If your son feels like he is unable to open up to his parents it is going to have a huge effect on him and his own identity. It might be worth finding him someone to talk to that may be a bit more able to understand exactly how he is feeling and to help him figure out what he wants moving forward.

post-gender-pixie − NAH. What an uncomfortable situation for everyone. You're definitely NTA for defending him, he's NTA for not feeling connected to his Asian roots (he's also white, and he deserves to explore that side of himself too), and she's NTA for feeling betrayed.

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I 100% understand everyone's feelings here, and I wish it were as simple as YTA or NTA, but I don't think it is. I think the three of you are going to be at odds with each other about this for a good long while.

loopylandtied − NAH (except those other Asian kids) Wow you poor son, he's being made to feel like an outsider in his own skin. Those kids at language class sound like some racial purity nutters, I don't blame him for wanting to carve out a space for himself that doesn't focus on how he looks.. He can still learn his culture at home, maybe a family trip to China should be on the cards

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Clydefr0g8 − NTA. Your wife needs to get a grip. It’s understandable that she would be disappointed he’s not identifying with Chinese culture the same way his siblings did, but she can’t force him to - and in reality, trying to force him to will only drive him further away. She certainly shouldn’t be calling him r**ist.

henchwench89 − NTA while im sure it hurts her to see her son turn away from her culture its not fair of her to want to make him. Feel bad for it. He’s 14 and just looking for somewhere he fits in

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reptilesni − NAH. Of course your wife wants to pass on her culture, that's a natural thing to want to do and probably stressful to see him seem to reject it. She may also be worried that he has internalized racism and is pushing away his culture which is frustrating to her because of the o**ression she has faced as a minority.

As a mixed race child your son probably struggles with the part of himself that doesn't fit neatly in either world. At this age he wants to embrace the popular, mainstream culture that everyone around him is taking part of. Right now, at his age he doesn't want to be different, he wants to fit in.

Let him find his own way while passing on her culture to him and his siblings as best as she can without forcing the issue. Eventually he will become his own man and will be more likely to explore that part if his identity. If she turns it into a struggle he may never come around.

losing_all_hope − NTA. Sounds like he's the one receiving the racism from the Chinese community for not looking the part.

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Lunar_Ass − NTA Your son, under no circumstances, is being r**ist. He just feels as he doesn’t fit in with the other Asians, which is completely fine.

These hot takes spark a question: do Reddit’s armchair experts nail the nuance, or is this family’s puzzle too personal for crowd-sourced wisdom?

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This family’s story reminds us that identity isn’t a straight path—it’s a winding journey, especially for a teen caught between cultures. The father’s defense and the mother’s pain both hold truth, but the real challenge lies in helping their son find his own way. What would you do if you were in their shoes? Have you ever felt torn between worlds or watched a loved one struggle to belong? Drop your thoughts below—let’s keep this conversation going.

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