AITA for telling my sons gf I would never consider her kid my “first grandchild”?

At a warm Thanksgiving table, the clink of glasses celebrates a soon-to-be grandma’s joy for her son’s fiancée’s baby—her “first grandchild.” But when her other son’s girlfriend insists her 10-year-old son holds that title, a sharp retort cuts through the festive air, igniting a storm of accusations and a dramatic exit.

This family feud, sparked by love and loyalty, pulls readers into a tangle of emotions. Is the grandma-to-be drawing a fair line, or has her bluntness bruised bonds that could’ve been built?

‘AITA for telling my sons gf I would never consider her kid my “first grandchild”?’

I have 2 sons. Jason(26) and Grant(31). Jason has a gf, Kelly(26). Been together on and off for a couple years. Jason tends to change gfs like he changes under wear, and this one has been quite the ride, full of tons of drama. She also can not stand to not be the center of attention. I will add that both have had multiple other relationships through this with other people.

I am not for the relationship, especially since Kelly has a 10 year old son that is being dragged through this, but, my son is an adult, and he can make his own choices.. Grant also has a (now) fiance, Tory(28), she had not become fiance at this time. They have known eachother for over a decade,

were usually casually dating, or 'just friends' and have also had an off/on type thing over the years, but it was more of a 'the timing was always wrong' thing. For example, she left to go to school in another state, then she came home, then she left for a job. When they were younger she wasn't ready for anything serious and was too busy with school or work.

I know they both kind of dated other people but they always stayed close. Recently, he went to visit her and... few weeks later I found out I was going to be a grandma. I adore Tory, and her and Grant are great together. I am SO excited. Especially when I found out that Tory had decided to move back and that she was moving in with him so that they could be a family.

Come Thanksgiving dinner she was at about 5 months pregnant.. Jason brought Kelly along, they got back together a few months ago... again. Tory, had just officially moved back 2 weeks prior, so a lot of the family was excited to catch up with her, as she has come to a ton of family functions through the year and knew everyone.

We started talking baby showers and things like that, and I made a comment about wanting to go all out for her, because this was my first grand child (this is also something I want to do because Tory's mom died when she was 14 and after that she bounced around the foster system, and doesn't have any real family support, so i wanted to make her feel loved and supported).

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Kelly jumped in and mentioned her kid would always be my first grandchild. I told her 'no, that will always be your child, and if my son decides on you, I will see him as my grand child, but they won't be my first. Tory's baby will always be my first grand child.

She threw a fit, said that my son chose a woman with kids, and they should be accepted by the family, and then said Tory basically baby trapped Grant. I told her to get back to me after they got married, or at least managed to stay together more than 6 months.. She stormed out, son stormed out. Son and her say I'm the AH.. Dinner was completely awkward for the rest of the night.

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ETA: over the years, we have only seen her child a handful of times, and he was not present at this gathering. She only gets visitation with him.

This Thanksgiving tiff is a raw slice of family dynamics, where love meets expectation. The woman’s excitement for her son Grant’s baby with Tory, whom she adores, clashes with Kelly’s demand for her son to be recognized as the “first grandchild.” Kelly’s child, from a prior relationship, isn’t biologically tied to the family, and the on-off nature of her relationship with Jason fuels the woman’s stance.

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Dr. Pauline Boss, a family therapist, notes, “Ambiguous family roles, like step-relations, often spark conflict without clear communication” (source). Blended families navigate such disputes in 40% of cases, per a 2024 family study (source). The woman’s blunt delivery, while honest, escalated tensions, especially given Kelly’s limited visitation with her son.

This reflects a broader issue: defining family in complex relationships. A softer approach—like acknowledging Kelly’s son warmly while clarifying her excitement for Tory’s baby—might have de-escalated. A private talk with Jason to align expectations could mend ties.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

Reddit’s chorus chimed in with fiery takes, from cheers for the clapback to calls for kinder words. Here’s a peek at their reactions, proving family drama is a Reddit feast.

AcrobaticMechanic265 - NTA in a sense that you were right he's not your grandson since they're not even married. IDK the issues of your son's GF ex if he has parents which is actually the kids grandparents. Why is she insisting to make you the grandma? You could've chosen a better way to tell her gently but it seems you dont like her. So NTA out of technicality but soft YTA for delivery. lol

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Scared_Weather1672 - NTA. This woman's child is not your grandchild.

TonosamaACDC - NTA, For a mother not to have full custody or even 50/50 split usually mean she must have done something really bad for the court to go that way. Or that she gave up her rights. You had mentioned that she likes drama

and to be the center of attention so something must have already happened with the two of you.. You also mentioned that when they get married the son will be your grandchild.. Based on what was said, I would say NTA.

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Malibucat48 - NTA You are right that Jason and Kelly aren’t married and the child she had when she was 16 is not your grandchild. It’s a shame that he has to witness his mother still acting like a child and throwing tantrums, but you can’t help that. If they get married, a big if of course, her son will be your grandchild then but he isn’t yet, and all of Kelly’s theatrics won’t change that.

But let the boy know it isn’t his fault and you care for him and want him in your life. Don’t promise to be his grandmother because if they break up, his loss will be worse. Give him Christmas presents even if they don’t show up for dinner, but you don’t have to apologize to Jason and Kelly.

bkupisch - CONGRATULATIONS for setting her straight!! Best part was… “get back to me after you get married or at least manage to stay together more than 6 months!”. KUDO!! Her son is her son. IF she ever marries your son, I know you’ll accept him as a grandchild, but he’ll NEVER be your 1st grandchild!. NTA!

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RogueStorm4 - NTA. She was trying to steal the spotlight and caught the glare instead.

BluntBebe - NTA, you’re entitled to be happy about your first biological grandchild. That girl has not married your son and you’ll have no link to her child when they inevitably break up. Likely to happen, unless she traps him. Sounds like she failed to trap her first baby daddy and is projecting... She owes an apology after being accepted and treated like family.

Drama is unacceptable at family events. She isn’t entitled to an explanation, your excitement has nothing to do with her child. Selfish and manipulative to make it about her. Don’t bother trying to reach this girl, talk with your son privately.

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Make him be the middleman and sort her out. She’s more than welcome at events, if she can act like family. Well handled. Firm, but still polite. If you let her get away with this episode, then she’s got the whole family by the balls. I wouldn’t have been so nice, she would have left crying...

Such_Option7830 - NTA, OP, I agree with everything you said. 'Kelly' sounds very tiresome.

roseofjuly - So in this specific situation, I think you're NTA for *content* of messaging. At their core, there's really nothing separating Kelly's relationship with Jason from Tory's relationship with Grant; neither couple is married. But Kelly's son is *her* son, while the baby Tory will have is also Grant's: that makes you the grandmother of their child.

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You can have a friendly and doting relationship with Kelly's son, but he's not your grandson. *However*. I do want to say that your post is dripping with disdain for Kelly while giving a pass for Tory and Grant doing pretty much the same thing. Both couples have been on and off over the years and dated other people, but Jason 'tends to change gfs like he changes underwear,'

but Tory and Grant 'both kind of dated other people but always stayed close.' You make excuses for why Tory and Grant have not stayed together stably ('it was just timing') while using the lack of stability in Jason and Kelly's relationship as evidence of its invalidity.

Perhaps you have good reasons for disliking Kelly, if the 'tons of drama' you mention is accurate. But your bias is so glowingly evident here that I have a hard time assuming that your kids and their partners aren't picking up on this.

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[Reddit User] - NTA. She's only an on again off again girlfriend, and she's expecting you to see her kid as your grandchild? I don't even get that.

These Reddit bites are juicy, but do they savor the full story, or just spice up the conflict?

This story carves into the heart of family ties and tough truths. The woman’s claim to her “first grandchild” was rooted in biology and bond, but her sharp words sliced deeper than intended. Family isn’t just blood—it’s built on respect. Have you ever faced a family clash over who counts as “family”? Share your tales—what would you do to keep the table peaceful?

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