AITA for telling my sister that her daughter can’t expect people to look out for her triggers?

In a warm, bustling kitchen, the aroma of a lovingly prepared feast promised a joyful family reunion after months apart. But when a lighthearted comment and a passed dish sparked tension, one uncle found himself at odds with his sister over her daughter’s eating disorder. Was his remark a careless misstep or a fair point about personal responsibility? Dive into the original Reddit post here to unravel the drama.

This story of a 32-year-old man, caught between family warmth and an unexpected clash, pulls us into a delicate dance of empathy and boundaries. As he grapples with his sister’s protective instincts and his niece’s silent struggles, we’re left wondering: how do we balance sensitivity with everyday interactions in a world of hidden triggers?

‘AITA for telling my sister that her daughter can’t expect people to look out for her triggers?’

I (M32) had a small family dinner at my house last night with my parents, two siblings, and their children. My wife loves to cook and since it was the first time we've seen family in months, she made a huge spread of food. My sister has two daughters and her eldest daughter (13) has an eating disorder. She's visibly very thin.

She's always been a pretty thin kid but it wasn't until this last year that she's gotten considerably thinner. At dinner my wife brought out all of the dishes with food, including one of my favorite dishes she makes. I was sat next to my niece and my wife passed me a dish.

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So naturally, I passed it on to my niece and I said something like 'This is my absolute favorite, you're gonna love it' or something to that effect. Well later on my sister scolded me for apparently 'embarrassing' my niece and pushing food onto her. She told me my comment was triggering because of her eating disorder and for me to hand off a bunch of food to her in front of everyone upset her.

I told my sister that if me saying a lighthearted comment like that and passing her a dish so that she can choose to pass it on is 'triggering,' she can't expect people to know that and look out for her triggers-- she has to do that herself. My sister thinks I was being insensitive especially because she's only 13, and that I'm an a**hole for not being 'extra sensitive' since it's obvious that she has an eating disorder. AITA?

A simple family dinner became a tightrope walk over unseen triggers, with the man’s casual dish-passing igniting a firestorm. His intent was innocent—sharing a favorite dish is a reflex at most tables—but the impact on his niece, battling an eating disorder, underscores the complexity of mental health. His sister’s protective scolding, while fierce, reflects a mother’s fear, yet his retort about self-managing triggers sparked a deeper debate.

Eating disorders like anorexia, affecting 1 in 10 adolescents according to the UK’s Beat charity (source), thrive in silence and shame. Public attention, even well-meaning, can feel like a spotlight on a raw wound. The man’s comment, though benign, likely amplified his niece’s anxiety, as food-related remarks often do for those in recovery.

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Dr. Cynthia Bulik, an eating disorder specialist, notes, “Recovery requires a supportive environment, but families must balance care with normalcy” (source). The sister’s failure to brief the hosts about her daughter’s triggers set the stage for this misstep, while the man’s dismissal of “triggers” risks minimizing a serious illness. Both could learn from open dialogue to align their approach.

To mend this, the man could apologize for his remark’s impact, not intent, and ask his sister for guidance on supporting his niece. Family education on eating disorders, via resources like Beat, could foster empathy.

Check out how the community responded:

Reddit’s armchair judges dished out opinions hotter than the evening’s feast. Here’s the raw scoop from the crowd:

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vivachilewn − NTA. It's not always easy to tell what is going to set someone off. But it's the other person's responsibility to respond to their triggers -- not the responsibility of those around them. And with something like this, it was a very casual comment.

cmonmaan − NTA. She was invited to a family DINNER and you’re getting scolded for offering her FOOD? If food is going to be that big of a trigger then why did your sister bring your niece to a dinner in the first place? We’re you expected to not offer her any food at dinner? Her reaction is stupid.

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waffleLuver97 − NAH I think because they’re family you should have a conversation with your sister about what her daughters triggers are. Having an eating disorder is really hard and I understand your sisters reaction because her kid could actually die from it. She’s also 13. She might not know how to voice her triggers to an adult and talking through your sister is the right thing.

LivingGate − I’m an eating disorder psychologist. One of the things we work on with patients a lot in treatment planning is how to deal with situations involving food especially family meals. Hopefully this girl has some coping mechanisms in place to deal with these situations.

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However, the one thing I recommend is never to comment directly on her weight or physical appearance. Even an innocent thing like “you look really good.” YOU may think she looks better having gained some weight but that is almost not how she will interpret the comment at all. She will hear FAT. If you need something to say, I always recommend going with “You look happy!”

yourlittlevoice − NAH. You acting completely normal. But she didn’t call you out in front of everyone. Idk what “scolding” looks like here, but if I did something that would hurt my niece I would want to know so I can look out for it next time. She’s family. EDs are tough and everyone looking out for her would help.

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notsolittleliongirl − NAH - Apologies for the length, but this is important information! You didn’t do anything wrong exactly, because you genuinely didn’t know it would be an upsetting comment but please, please take this as a learning experience. Eating disorders are monsters that take over your life and turn eating any amount of food into an internal war.

They’re very serious - anorexia has an estimated mortality rate of 10-20%, and even people who are considered recovered can spend the rest of their lives battling with their ED. EDs are incredibly complex and painful for families. Your sister is likely very sensitive and protective of her daughter as a result of this.

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It may seem unreasonable to you and maybe it is, but the sense of helplessness for parents when their child is actively suffering from an eating disorder is usually overwhelming. You cannot make them eat, you can’t hug the depression and anxiety away, you can’t stop them from wanting to slowly starve themselves to death, and once they’re in recovery,

you never know what’s going to send them spiraling again, so you’re constantly stressed because of course you are, your child has an eating disorder that could kill them!! Please try to understand the stress your sister is under and go easy on her for being a protective mama bear, even if you think she is being unreasonable.

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Back to you: ideally, yes, you should not have to censor yourself for the comfort of others. But you are an adult and your niece, who you presumably care about, is a 13 year old child and in an extremely vulnerable place right now. It would be good of you to make the effort to avoid upsetting your niece because refusing to make that effort may lead to you unintentionally damaging her recovery.

It really comes down to this: you can be technically correct and refuse to watch your words because you don’t have to and no one can make you. Or you can be morally correct and show concern for members of your family who are likely suffering immensely (remember, EDs are painful for the whole family, watching someone you love deal with an ED is very upsetting).

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If you want to be a bit more careful in order to support your niece’s recovery, you’ve got a really good opportunity to smooth things over with your sister. Ask her to meet, just you two, and apologize for your comment at dinner the other night. Tell her you genuinely didn’t mean anything bad by it and were taken aback by the assertion that it was wrong of you to say that.

But you’ve done some research and now understand how serious eating disorders are and would like to do what you can to avoid a similar incident in the future. And then ask for tips on what triggers your niece’s eating disorder, so you can avoid upsetting her in the future. And then please ask your sister how she is doing because it’s important that she knows someone cares about her too.

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diorswan − It seems that this is a controversial perspective based on the other comments, but I think ESH (except the niece.) I've known a couple people with eating disorders and I think it's quite common for them to dislike food-related attention in public spaces. But how common the trigger is isn't really the point.

Your SIL is an AH because, if she is bringing her daughter to family dinners (where food will obviously be served), she should have had a word with the host to let them know. 'You know that [niece] is struggling with food, it might be uncomfortable for her if you make any comments or suggestions about her plate' or something similar.

She didn't let you know beforehand and then rebuked you for what wasn't an out-of-place remark. That's unfair. It's even more of an AH move to her thirteen year old: she is recovering from an eating disorder, her mother shouldn't just be shielding her from triggers retroactively.

You're an AH because of the way you responded and putting 'triggering' in quotation marks (I can't tell you how much I despise that). You've dismissed your niece's triggers as if it's impossible to avoid talking to her about food (it really isn't) instead of putting the blame where it lies, her mother. She is the one that caused this issue.. I hope your niece gets better.

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holigramj56 − NTA. First off you can’t avoid everyone’s every single trigger. Secondly the world isn’t even gonna attempt to avoid her triggers. Mom needs to get her some help to develop coping mechanisms if it’s gonna be that big of an issue

VastEggplant7 − NAH usually if you know someone has/ is recovering from an eating disorder, you should avoid talking about how much/what/when they eat (unless it's like an intervention or for a emergency medical reason). it can make them feel stressed, watched, and insecure through the recovery process. let her get her own food, eat at her pace, and ask her how school is going or whatever.

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but you didn't know that, and that's fine. that's normal if you haven't known to someone with an eating disorder. you didn't do anything wrong or malicious. the correct response is 'Okay, i understand. it won't happen again' i don't think you even need to apologize. but Y T A for the 'triggers' comment. it is true that not everyone will know her triggers, and she has to navigate it.

but you're her family, and I assume you love her at least a little bit? if your loved one says 'could you not say \_\_\_\_\_, because it really upsets me' your response shouldn't be 'suck it up kid, no one else is going to care so I'm not going to either'.

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Please give her some sense of safety and support at a family dinner, it might be the only large group of people that will care about her triggers. she (or her mom) is not asking for much. like if she were super afraid of dogs (like was attacked at one point and now has dog ptsd) you wouldn't show her a puppy and say 'look how cute it is'

silly_sarahSG1 − NTA. You weren’t making comments about her weight or how much she was eating you just passed her a dish at a family meal and it sounds like the dish was being passed around the table so it’s not like she was being singled out.

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I don’t see how you would know that would trigger her and it doesn’t sound like your sister knew either otherwise why wouldn’t she tell you guys before hand to specifically not hand her any food and to let her pick up dishes herself? I hope your niece is seeing a councillor and dr to help her with her ED.

These takes are spicier than a chili cook-off, but do they cut to the heart of this family tangle? Or are they just stirring the pot?

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This dinner drama serves up a hearty helping of questions about empathy, responsibility, and the invisible weight of mental health. Our uncle stood by his words, but the rift with his sister begs for a softer touch. Would you apologize, seek a heart-to-heart, or stand firm? How do you navigate a loved one’s triggers without losing the warmth of family ties? Drop your thoughts below and let’s chew on this together!

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