AITA for telling my sister she didn’t raise her kids right?

A family dinner, meant to celebrate twin sisters’ birthdays, turned into a heated clash when crayon scribbles defaced a pristine wall. Tensions flared as accusations flew, pitting one sister’s parenting against another’s, with a 13-year-old caught in the crossfire. The scene, set in the cozy familiarity of their parents’ home, unraveled into a raw confrontation about responsibility, childhood, and unspoken resentments, leaving everyone to question where the blame truly lies.

The emotional weight of the moment hung heavy, as the OP grappled with frustration and guilt, while her sister stormed out, leaving a trail of unresolved feelings. Readers can’t help but wonder: how do family dynamics twist when past choices collide with present accusations? This story dives into the messy heart of sibling rivalry and parenting expectations, inviting us to reflect on fairness and accountability.

‘AITA for telling my sister she didn’t raise her kids right?’

My husband and I have 2 children, Caroline, 4, and Jacob, 6.. My twin sister, Grace, has 3 kids. David, 7, Adam, 9 & Rose, 13. For the first decade of Rose's life she was raised by our parents (her grandparents), and when Adam was born he also came to live with them, because Grace couldn't afford to have them living with her.

A few years ago Grace invited Adam and Rose to come back and live with her, saying she now had the time/money to take care of them. She ended up spoiling the boys but said that Rose, who had hit puberty, was a 'woman' because of this and was expected to take on the same role Grace had, so Rose ended up basically being a live in nanny to her brothers.

It was our birthday yesterday, and we always have family dinner with our parents, spouses, and children, at our parent's home. At one point Rose excuses herself, heads for the bathroom, and about 10 seconds later we hear her say 'what the F**K'.

Me, dad, and my husband all go to look and about a 3 feet up the wall is a large scribble in crayon.It starts at 3 feet up and the highest point of it is around 6 feet off the ground.. We go back to the table and tell the others what we saw. David immediately looks guilty.

Edit: at this point we ask the kids to leave the room, so it's just me,my sister, my husband and our parents at the table. My kids are shorter than average, with Jacob barely being over 3.5 feet tall and Caroline being just about 3 feet. Neither are tall enough to have drawn 6 feet high..David is a little over 4 feet tall, and he could have reached that high.

Grace immediately tells me that I shouldn't have brought Caroline and Jacob with me, of course something was going to happen. I started explain that the height of the picture ruled out my kids, but she interrupted saying that of course I'm going to put the blame on her kids because my kids can do no wrong in my eyes.

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I responded that my kids aren't angels. I'm not going to sit here and say they've never done anything wrong. But they know better than to draw on walls. Grace then gets angry, saying that I am implying that she didn't raise her kids properly and how dare I accuse her children.

I say that Rose is great kid, but her sons have a history of doing stuff just like this. The drawing is too high up to be my kids, which leaves her boys to be the likely suspects. Grace then says it has to be one of my 'brats' who did it because she raised all of her children better than that..

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In anger, I say 'you didn't f**king raise them!' She gets quiet, collects her kids, and leaves. Rose refuses and stays with us. I end up cleaning up the mess on the wall and Jacob tells me that he saw David in the arts and crafts box.

My parents want me to apologise to keep peace and Rose says that while she gets where I'm coming from, she's getting calls from her mum saying she needs to come home and complaining about me, so until I apologise Rose is dealing with it. I still haven't contacted her to apologise, and I have no intention of doing so.. AITA?

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Update: David confessed to the drawing. Grace texted her saying David confessed and Rose should have watched him better and this would never have happened. Grace hasn't contacted me yet and has made it clear to Rose that she still expects an apology. For people asking about CPS: We have social services here.

I work in education, and I have a friend at social services. I told her about the situation as a hypothetical and she pretty much said that I could report it but the best case is that they'd monitor the situation (but not intervene just yet) as they struggle to define parentification and struggle to get it classed as something bad enough to remove the child from the home.

This family feud, sparked by a child’s mischief, reveals deeper cracks in sibling and parenting dynamics. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned family psychologist, notes, “Conflict in families often stems from unaddressed expectations and differing values” . Here, the OP and Grace clash over whose children bear responsibility, but the real issue lies in their contrasting approaches to parenting and past choices.

The OP’s frustration is understandable: her children were unfairly blamed, and Grace’s defensive reaction escalated the tension. Grace’s absence during her children’s early years, followed by her current parenting style—spoiling her sons while overburdening Rose—suggests a struggle to balance authority and affection. This dynamic points to a broader issue: parentification, where children like Rose are forced into adult roles. According to a 2023 study in Journal of Family Psychology , parentification can lead to emotional strain and resentment, which seems evident in Rose’s situation.

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Grace’s expectation that Rose supervise her brothers reflects a skewed family hierarchy. The OP’s sharp retort, while harsh, highlights a truth Grace avoids: her inconsistent parenting has consequences. Dr. Gottman suggests open communication to resolve such conflicts, advising families to “listen with empathy and validate each other’s perspectives.” The OP could initiate a calm discussion with Grace, acknowledging her efforts while addressing Rose’s unfair burden. This approach might defuse tension and foster understanding.

For readers, this story underscores the importance of setting boundaries and advocating for children’s well-being. Families facing similar issues can seek resources like parenting workshops or counseling to navigate complex dynamics. By addressing underlying issues, families can move toward healthier relationships, ensuring children like Rose aren’t caught in the middle.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

The Reddit crew didn’t hold back, diving into this family drama with a mix of sass and sympathy. It’s like a virtual barbecue where everyone’s got a spicy take and no one’s shy about sharing. Here’s what the community had to say:

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Tyler-Herro − NTA. Even if it’s true it may have been assholish to bring up unprompted, but at that point she had it coming when she tried to attack your parenting as an absent parent.

RedTalonRedWater − NTA. She decided to get snarky with you after you tried to diplomatically point out that the culprit had to be one of her kids as the marking on the wall was too tall for your own kids to have accomplished, and then has the gall to complain and whine and create background drama when she got burned?. I feel sorry for the 13 year old. I can't imagine what her home life is like.

[Reddit User] − NTA. Offer to permanently host Rose. Seriously, speaking as the oldest/only girl who had to raise her two younger brothers starting at age 11, it seriously sucks to be in Rose's position. Someone needs to advocate for her.

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beanby3 − NTA but honestly the only thing that I keep thinking about is poor Rose. Somebody needs to protect her and let her be the child she is-not the adult her mother is forcing her to be.

[Reddit User] − NTA, your being civil and are willing to talk it over, your sister, on the other hand, gets defensive and hostile. It is possible she is insecure about it which is why she is so defensive, but that isn't an excuse to act rude.

HonPhryneFisher − NTA. Poor Rose. From the way the story was going, I was sure she was going to get blamed for it (for not watching her 'charges' closely enough).

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Cocoasneeze − NTA. Your sister can dish it out but can't take it back. Maybe don't apologise, because she dished out hurtful stuff too, but get together to talk like adults.

Queen-of-Doors − ESH. When something as minor as crayon on a wall turns into a fight with people hurling insults and digs at each other, it’s not about the crayon on the wall.. Grace is extra TA for using her 13 year old for adult communication.

HypotheticalParallel − NTA. Yikes.

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Justanotherbasturd − NTA. Please don’t let this keep you up at night. Honestly your sister is an entitled piece of work, bringing not one, not two, but THREE hellions into this world she had no means to support. Fool me once, shame on you... but twice/thrice!? Aaaand she left the kids with Grandma.

Grandparents are seldom enforcers in a child’s life, and there was none of that while these kids were growing up. Then she spoils them instead of communicating and defining boundaries/expectations/privileges like you’re supposed to as a parent? Hell, I’d consider calling child protective services for what she is doing to Rose.

That’s some borderline handmaids tale s**t. Maybe I’m biased, but this trend of parents trying to be their kids’ best friend makes me throw up a little. So yeah, these kids are going to be a handful. And she’s some kind of special to not have the wherewithal to have even driven into the parking lot of the ballpark of that realization. And it’s not Grace’s.

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This kid f**ked up the grandparents house.! The 5-Alarm ass whipping I would have received for pulling some s**t like that sends a chill down my spine.... yeah I remember the time I f**ked up someone’s house like that as a kid and got my ass whipped for it... But yeah. You did nothing wrong.Your friend can’t take criticism and she needs a large-bore IV of reality to the brainstem.

It’s your choice whether you want to be a part of that process or not... it’s her choice to accept or reject the guidance... Edit: syntax and relationships. Because I have the retention capabilities of a fish swimming in vodka, apparently. And comment about Rose- because why they are doing to that girl is ABUSE.

These Redditors rallied behind the OP, cheering her for calling out Grace’s parenting while shedding light on Rose’s unfair role. Some saw Grace’s defensiveness as a sign of insecurity, while others urged action to protect Rose. But do these fiery opinions capture the full picture, or are they just stoking the drama? One thing’s clear: this story has sparked a lively debate about family and responsibility.

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This tale of crayon chaos and sibling showdowns reminds us how quickly family gatherings can turn into battlegrounds. The OP stood her ground, but at the cost of strained ties and a burdened teenager. Grace’s refusal to acknowledge her parenting gaps only deepens the rift. Yet, there’s hope in honest conversations and setting boundaries to protect kids like Rose. What would you do if you found yourself in a similar family clash? Share your thoughts and experiences below.

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