AITA for telling my sister my oldest daughter will not be in her wedding?

Favoritism stings like a paper cut, especially in families. Imagine a mother watching her sister praise only one of her five kids, leaving the others ignored. The hurt lingers, especially when her youngest’s plea for attention is brushed off. Years after a fallout, the sister’s request for the “favored” daughter to be a junior bridesmaid reopens old wounds.

This Reddit AITA post dives into a mother’s stand against toxic dynamics. Readers are hooked, debating if she’s protecting her kids or fueling a grudge. The drama’s emotional pull makes it a story worth unpacking.

‘AITA for telling my sister my oldest daughter will not be in her wedding?’

My sister (35f) is getting married this summer. For the sake of total transparency I am considering not attending because we had a fight, which led to mostly non-contact (with the exception of seeing her once and then her reaching out to me regarding the topic of this post), a couple of years ago and I don't expect anything to change.

Despite us not being close she reached out and asked for our oldest daughter to be in her wedding as a junior bridesmaid come older flower girl. Just the oldest girl. We have five kids. Her relationship with my kids, specifically my two daughters, is part of the reason we fought in the first place.

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She was all about how cute, pretty, sweet and adorable the oldest is and just generally fawned all over her, while never ever paying that kind of attention to my younger daughter or my boys. I asked her to stop. I reminded her that the other kids could hear, and so could my oldest, and I didn't want her to place all her value in how she looked, but my sister refused to stop.

My final straw and what led to our fight was my youngest straight up asked her if she looked as pretty and my sister ignored her entirely and kept saying how pretty my oldest was. I took her aside and told her she was not being kind with all those comments. She argued back that my oldest is the one who'll be admired for her looks her whole life and we need to learn to accept that.

I told her she had used her last chance and to leave my family alone until she can realize how wrong she was. This is the reason I'm not even sure we'll go. But her asking for my oldest to be in the wedding set off alarm bells that she will pull the same crap, and might even go more overboard because she'll get to decide how she dresses and what her hair would look like.

I said no without considering it. To me it feels icky given the context. My sister is mad and my parents think it's wrong to deprive my oldest of the choice, because I never asked her if she'd like to. My sister said her wedding day would be perfect with my daughter there and I'm spoiling it and punishing her for petty reasons.. AITA?

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Family favoritism isn’t just a petty squabble—it can leave lasting scars. The OP’s sister’s fixation on one child’s appearance while dismissing others risks harming their self-esteem, a dynamic that demands careful navigation.

Dr. Susan Newman, a social psychologist and author, notes in a Psychology Today article, “Favoritism creates an uneven playing field that can erode sibling bonds and self-worth” (source). In the OP’s case, the sister’s refusal to acknowledge all the children equally mirrors this toxic pattern. Her insistence on featuring only the oldest daughter in the wedding suggests a superficial focus, treating the child as a prop rather than a person.

This behavior ties into a broader issue: societal obsession with appearance. Studies, like one from the American Psychological Association (2020), show that children as young as 5 can internalize beauty standards, impacting their confidence (source). The OP’s protective stance counters this, prioritizing her children’s emotional health over family pressure.

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For solutions, experts suggest setting firm boundaries, as the OP has done. Communicating openly with the children about fairness and self-worth can also mitigate harm.

Here’s the feedback from the Reddit community:

The Reddit crowd didn’t hold back, serving up a mix of support and spicy commentary. Here’s a peek at their thoughts, raw and unfiltered:

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[Reddit User] − NTA. Your sister is ruining the self-image of your children. You are completely justified in going no contact. Your oldest daughter might be mad now, but it’s time to defend your youngest children.

sarcosaurus − NTA. I honestly struggle to understand why you would even consider going, or letting your oldest go (ofc I know why, toxic family can warp reality in all kinds of wild ways, but from the outside it seems like a clear-cut run for the hills situation).

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This behavior would be so easy for your sister to just not do if she had the tiniest scrap of respect for you and your children. It absolutely can s**ew up your kids (including your oldest) to be treated like this, and your gut feeling is right.

PattersonsOlady − She just wants the reflected glory of the decorative effect of your daughter. She doesn’t genuinely care about her as a human being.. You’re doing the right thing keeping all of your family away from her. NTA

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Royal-Space-Pirate − NTA. Your sister has even said she only cares about the oldest, I fear for her own children if/when she has them. I would vote not going to the wedding at all, send a gift and take all your beautiful children to something fun. It might seem petty for some people but your kids' happiness is more important than her special day.

crockofpot − My sister said her wedding day would be perfect with my daughter there and I'm spoiling it and punishing her for petty reasons. She spoiled her own wedding by being such an a**hole weirdo about your oldest child.

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If she does have kids, I pity them deeply if their mother is so shameless about favoritism already. Also, your parents suck for siding with your sister. Let me guess... she might have learned the favoritism from dear old Mom and Dad?. Either way, NTA.

Alternative_Year_340 − NTA I think you need to protect your kids from your sister’s obsession with appearance

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diagnosedwolf − NTA. FWIW, you are the biggest influence in your children’s lives. It is very hard for an external force to instil a value in your child when you are providing an excellent example. Which you are. Refusing to send just your “pretty” daughter to a wedding to be a showpiece is *showing* your daughters - both of them - how to behave.

It’s directly teaching them not to associate with people who value looks over everything, not to allow people to be excluded based on looks, and not to accept a role from someone who is actively harming a person you care about.. This is an excellent parenting moment. Good work, OP.

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Hemenucha − NTA. You're the parent -- you're under no obligation to ask your daughter if she wants to be in the wedding. It's your job to protect your children from toxic people like this.

Backgrounding-Cat − NTA sister can get a real doll to play dress up games

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SadderOlderWiser − NTA - I don’t know how old your daughter is, but you’re her mother so it’s absolutely fine for you to decide for her. If this is junior bridesmaid/older flower girl age, she’s young.

Young people might like to do all kinds of things they’d be better off not doing, and being turned into a Barbie doll by your rather odd and annoying sounding sister fits firmly under that umbrella.. Society fucks us up enough about beauty standards without our immediate family going out of their way to contribute.

These Redditors rally behind the OP, but do their cheers echo real-world wisdom? It’s a question worth pondering.

This story leaves us with a tangle of emotions—loyalty to family versus loyalty to one’s kids. The OP’s choice to shield her children from favoritism sparks a bigger question about how we navigate toxic dynamics. What would you do if faced with a family member who plays favorites? Share your thoughts and experiences below—let’s keep the conversation going!

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