AITA for telling my poor friend that he’s actually the privileged one now?

Have you ever shared exciting news only to be met with a response that leaves you stunned? A 28-year-old man, after leaving a high-flying finance job to pursue his passion, eagerly told his best friend about his dream job. Instead of congratulations, his friend called him “privileged.” This sparked a heated argument about money, background, and privilege. The story raises a question: Were both friends wrong in judging each other?

This tale captivates with its personal conflict and touches on deeper differences in background and perspective. Let’s dive into the details, from the friendship’s origins to how the online community weighed in.

‘AITA for telling my poor friend that he’s actually the privileged one now?’

The story begins with a friendship and differing backgrounds.

One of my very close friends Nathan (29M) and I (28M) met during our first post-college job at a prestigious finance firm, and we immediately bonded over the long work...

and general soul-sucking nature of making PowerPoint slides and Excel sheets all day. For the next few years, a lot of our friendship revolved around us talking about work and...

Their career paths diverged significantly.

A few years ago, I decided that I just couldn't take the corporate grind anymore, and I quit my job to move into the nonprofit world. While I now certainly...

I also still make a very good salary ($80K/year) which I feel is more than enough money for me and my needs. Nathan has been ambitiously climbing the corporate ladder,...

Their differing upbringings and financial responsibilities are highlighted.

Nathan grew up in a very poor family, and his relatives are still financially unstable and often ask him for money. I, on the other hand, grew up in a...

They're not millionaires, but if anything ever happened to me, they could (and would!) help me until I could get back on my feet. Nathan does not have that privilege.

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Conflict arises when Nathan comments on privilege.

I recently got offered my dream job, where I would be making slightly less money than I am now ($75K/year). Despite the money, I am genuinely giddy about this job...

However, when I told Nathan, his response was "I'm glad you have the financial privilege to take a pay cut." Not "wow AncientMesopotamia, I know you've been really wanting this...

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I'll admit that I snapped back at him and told him that he makes triple the amount of money I do, and that at some point he needs to realize...

The narrator reflects and reconciles with Nathan.

Now I'm wondering if I should apologize to Nathan for what I said, or if I should stand my ground. I'm feeling angry and a bit defensive, which I realize...

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However, I also do think it was a bit mean of him to say that at that exact moment when I was so excited. And while generational wealth does give...

Also, as a final note, while my parents certainly are well off, they do not support me financially in any way, and have not since I graduated from college 7...

EDIT -Woah, this really blew up in a way I wasn't expecting. I've spent hours reading as many comments as I can, and I thank each of you for your...

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While it is nice of many of you to say that I'm not the a__hole, I do think I approached Nathan's situation with a lot of ignorance and potential assholery.

u/Equivalent_Joke_9617 said it best:"I don’t think it matters who’s ‘more right’ here. What matters is whether Nathan has been a good friend and one that’s worth keeping. If the answer...

Don’t let a misunderstanding ruin it!" Nathan's been my buddy for years, through thick and thin, and so I called him back up to apologize. I mentioned that I really...

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and that I was so proud of him for all he's accomplished, and that I just felt a little hurt and unsupported when he called out my privilege from the...

It felt like he was minimizing my success, but it turns out he's just been having a tough time at work and didn't respond in the best way to my...

I think that since we started our careers at the same place and time that it's easy for us to compare ourselves, and we're both guilty of the competitive comparison...

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Anyway, it's all good now and I think we've opened up a good dialogue where I can learn more about my buddy's past and what it's been like for him,...

Listen to u/Equivalent_Joke_9617 and have heart-to-hearts with your friends and learn from your mistakes! Also Nathan and I will be going to a baseball game next week and he offered...

The conflict between OP and Nathan stems from a misunderstanding about financial privilege. OP benefits from a middle-class family safety net. Nathan earns significantly more but supports a financially unstable family. Nathan’s comment about OP’s privilege reflects the advantage of having supportive parents.

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OP’s response, highlighting Nathan’s high income, points to a different kind of privilege. Society often defines privilege by background rather than current wealth. Nathan’s reaction may stem from a poverty mindset. “Growing up in poverty can create a lasting scarcity mindset, even with financial success.” — Dr. Brad Klontz (Psychologist), Forbes, 2021.

Both should discuss their pressures openly. OP could learn about Nathan’s past. Nathan should focus on celebrating his friend’s success. This situation raises questions about defining privilege. Does high income outweigh the lasting impact of a poor upbringing

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

The online community offered lively and diverse opinions. Many supported OP, calling Nathan’s comment rude:

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Petefriend86 − NTA. Cry me a river to all the whiney bastards making $300K a year. The dream is to get that job and invest for 5 solid years so...

D2Foley − NTA. What kind of friend says that when their friends tells them they got their dream job.

KronkLaSworda − NTA What he said was pretty rude and spiteful. He's making 300k. He's doing extremely well for himself. If he's giving it all to his poor family, that's...

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I-hear-the-coast − NTA. No matter what is “true/honest” or whatever, that’s still not what a friend says when their friend gives them good news. As far as you’ve written, you...

theje1 − NTA. We can do all the mental gymnastics we want all day here, but damn, 300k? ??? C'mon Nathan.

Some argued both were at fault (ESH) or no one was (NAH):

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sc0tth − NAH. He's right, you don't have any financial obligations to anyone other than yourself. If you lost your job, you know you'd have someone around to backstop your...

He has others who depend on him to bail them out, but he has no one to bail him out. He's a little bitter about it. None of this makes...

JoeyHeinz − Toss up between NAH and ESH, but I’m going with the latter. First off, you worked the job with him. Long, hard hours. You knew the deal. You...

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Secondly, it was a little rude for your friend to say he’s “glad you can [afford] a pay cut”. Personally that does read a little backhanded, but at the same...

He has to grind non stop at his job to make his money, so his old buddy who can afford to quit and work a job he enjoys for less...

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Thirdly, you saying he has privilege is ridiculous. How is he privileged, especially compared to you? You QUIT, didn’t get fired or anything.

You CHOSE to leave, willingly giving up your position. I hope you realize this and apologize because he is not privileged, he has made his own life for himself without...

desert_red_head − I’m going to go with ESH. Yes, Nathan should’ve recognized that your new job was important to you and been happy for you as a friend. However, you...

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This is evident in Nathan-he’s in the top percentage of earners, yet he still has a poverty mindset. He recognizes that anything can happen and can lose his job and...

Cataclysmus78 − It sounds like Nathan resents the fact that you were able to make a decision he wasn’t able to. There seems to be a subtext of competition in...

ESH. Both of you could do with a bit more introspection before you say things, and I hope that you come back around and meet in the middle again.

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[Reddit User] − ESH Stop competing with friends. Who has what job. Who makes more/less money. Who is right or wrong. Who cares. Nathan had a jealous reaction & that...

You have the option to make choices he doesn’t because you have a safety net (parents). Doesn’t mean you will ever need it but it’s still there. Definitely makes life...

Nathan believes he does not have a safety net so he’s still grinding away in a potentially miserable & stressful job. Misery loves company so it’s not challenging to understand...

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your_moms_a_clone − ESH. He got his comment, you for confusing 'wealth' with 'privilege'. Your friend isn't privileged, he wasn't born to a wealthy family or landed a job due to...

he worked hard and you know that. His comment was out of line, but yours was just factually wrong and insulting to all he achieved. I think you both need...

Others highlighted Nathan’s pressures:

fais_heaux-heaux − NTA- but I think you could approach this with a lot more compassion and leave with everyone’s pride and feelings intact. While it came across as (and basically...

His entire family counts on him and he’s working a job that most likely requires all of his time and energy. While it’s not ok that he put that on...

Rather than saying ‘you hurt my feelings by implying I’m rich when you’re also wealthy’ maybe ask him where these comments are coming from*? If he doubles down then yeah,...

BUT, if he says ‘thanks for asking, I’m actually really struggling right now’ then you know it wasn’t solely about you. As someone working full time to ensure his family...

It’s not your fault, but if he really is someone you want to see do well (again, not your job if you don’t want it to be) then it’s worth...

I love asking ‘who are you talking to right now? ’ Cause it A) reminds the person to lower their tone if what they’re saying is disrespectful and B) forces...

pigeontheoneandonly − I'm just going to throw out there that 300k to support yourself or your immediate family is one thing, and 300k to lift your entire extended family out...

If Nathan is doing the latter, and from what you wrote it sounds like he is, no he doesn't have the privilege to earn less money right now.

I completely get what you're saying and to some extent these have been Nathan's choices. But I also think you're underestimating the amount of pressure that is on your friend...

The community was sharply divided. Most sided with OP, arguing Nathan’s comment was rude. However, some believed both were at fault due to a lack of empathy. A smaller group emphasized Nathan’s financial pressures, suggesting OP didn’t fully grasp his friend’s challenges.

This incident underscores the importance of empathy in friendships. Everyone has unique circumstances. Open communication can resolve misunderstandings. What do you think? Who was right in this situation? How can friends support each other despite financial differences?

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