AITA for telling my mom she can’t watch my baby?

In bustling urban life where every step counts and safety is paramount, a heart-wrenching family dilemma unfolds. A pregnant woman, concerned for her soon-to-arrive child, faces the tough decision of turning down her well-meaning but physically challenged mother’s offer to provide full-time childcare. The situation is layered: the promise of family love collides with realistic concerns about emergencies in a city designed for quick movements and mobility.

Amid smiles and tender family moments, practicality takes precedence. The expectant mother must consider that in an urban setting, rapid responses during emergencies are crucial. She openly admits that even if her mother’s heart is in the right place, her physical limits may jeopardize the baby’s safety. This blend of heartfelt emotion and cold practicality sets the stage for a challenging and relatable tale.

‘AITA for telling my mom she can’t watch my baby?’

For backstory, I (33F) am pregnant with my first child. My husband (34M) and I live in a major city where most people don’t have cars / drive. We walk basically everywhere (or take the subway). My mom, whom I love, (60F) is morbidly obese. She’s always been “bigger,” but in the past 10 years has gotten close to 400 lbs.

She can’t walk 2 city blocks without sitting, can’t do any stairs, and can’t really fly unless she buys two seats. She complains of pain whenever she has to carry things. We’ve (my sisters and I) encouraged her to go to a doctor. The doctors and specialists all said her hormones are fine, it’s overeating and she needs to lose weight for health reasons.

My mom sneaks snacks and doesn’t eat healthy m. My husband and I live in a walk up. I’m due in June, and my mom asked if she can come up and help with the baby the first few weeks. I said of course, all help is always appreciated.

Then she said that she would like my husband and I to have her as childcare for a few months instead of doing daycare (which we already have enrolled in). We told her we already have a daycare but appreciate the offer and she can come visit anytime.

My MIL is coming for a few weeks after my mom, and we told my mom she can come right after that again if she wants and we can book her flight for her. She kept insisting, saying she would be better than a “random childcare person.” We told her babies are a ton of work and she can come visit, but we don’t expect her to watch the baby full time.

She told us we were making a major mistake not taking her up on daycare. She kept pushing it and said we’d regret not taking her up on her offer, and I finally told her I don’t want her watching the baby because of her weight - if there is an emergency, she can’t take the baby on a walk or even get the stroller out of the house.

Our nursery is on the top floor, so I don’t think she could even get our baby up and down the stairs. She started crying and said I hate her because she’s fat. I told her that’s not true, but I have to think about in an emergency how she could help the baby, and that’s my first concern. I love my mom, but I don’t think she physically could handle taking our baby out or up stairs.

Now she’s not speaking to me, and told my sister I “am embarrassed of her.” She also said I prefer my MIL because she’s thin (something I have never brought up and we aren’t using my MIL as daycare). I don’t think I was mean and wasn’t going to mention her weight until she pushed it, but now I think I’m the a**hole because my family is divided. So Reddit, AITA?

Letting your partner meet your family can feel like a monumental step, but when it comes to childcare, every practical aspect must be scrutinized. In this case, the OP’s apprehensions are rooted in real-world challenges. Mobile environments, like a city apartment with stairs, demand that caregivers be physically agile. When mobility is compromised, as in this scenario, the risks during an emergency become alarmingly clear.

Analysts of child safety often emphasize that a caregiver’s physical readiness is essential. According to pediatric expert Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, “A caregiver’s physical readiness is an integral part of ensuring a child’s safety during unexpected emergencies.” This quote, published on reputable parenting sites such as HealthyChildren.org, underscores that even the most caring individuals might fall short if physical limitations compromise emergency response abilities. It is not a matter of disrespect but practical baby care.

Extending the analysis beyond the specifics of this case, experts note that urban living often requires quick mobility. Research shows that caregivers who are physically active are better able to respond in high-stress situations. This insight is echoed by multiple sources, pointing to the value of matching emotional support with physical capability. Such a perspective suggests that while familial affection is invaluable, operational safety cannot be overlooked in critical childcare planning.

Finally, advice for similar family dilemmas centers on balancing compassion with precaution. Professionals recommend that families consider alternative childcare arrangements that align both with the emotional desire for family help and the functional need for safety. Consultation with child development specialists, online resources like HealthyChildren.org, and even family counseling could offer viable solutions that honor both love and practicality.

Here’s the input from the Reddit crowd:

The common sentiment among commenters is clear: while the love for family runs deep, ensuring the baby’s safety is paramount. Many agree that practical concerns—specifically the caregiver’s ability to handle emergencies and navigate the physical demands of a busy urban setting—are valid, and that prioritizing the child’s well-being is not only reasonable but necessary.

Readers emphasized that while familial support is invaluable, it should never compromise the urgent need for reliable and capable care, especially when it involves life-or-death situations.

AppearanceOk5806 − NTA. My fiance and I have had this conversation as well. My mother is much older than his and has me late in her life so shes not as physically fit or healthy. If daycare or babysitting is needed, we'll probably leave the baby with his mom or sister.

My mom would only be able to take care of the baby during the first few months of the baby's life before the baby gets too fussy and heavy for her.. I've talked to her about this and she understood.

Also, as another person has pointed out, there might be a chance your mom is trying to

bokatan778 − NTA. Sometimes, as the saying goes, the truth hurts. Your concerns are legit and real, and babies/toddlers should have outside time and someone who can handle an emergency situation.

Your mom probably just feels awful already and this stung. Hopefully this will help motivate her to want to lose weight so she can be around to watch her grandchild grow up.. Sounds like you handled it honestly but gently.

Delicious-Might1770 − Yes it's due to her obesity. However, I'd say it's due to her MOBILITY. which it is. The obesity is the cause but the affect on mobility is the consequence.

Tricky_Tax4933 − NTA, you are focused on what’s best for your baby and that’s what matters most. Obviously you didn’t want to hurt your mom’s feelings, but what’s worse, injured feelings or injured baby? Your mom is clearly in denial about her health and size. Overeating is an addiction, and your mom is displaying typical addict behavior here.

Sneaking snacks, denying there’s a problem, projecting, etc. You’ve stopped enabling her, so now in her mind you’re the problem. Just like any other addiction, she has to want to help herself before you can help her. I’m sorry you’re going through this during what should be an exclusively happy time. Hopefully mom comes around. Individual and family counseling could be really helpful here.

Ok_Tonight_3703 − NTA. Repeat after me” I am not responsible for any adults feeling”. Your mother is not just over weight. She is morbidly obese. She cannot provide safe care for your child.

Now she is trying to guilt you with her “she hates me because I’m fat” and “she’s embarrassed by me”. Your mother is so selfish. Ignore her drama and reconsider having her visit during your PP time. You do not need her immature guilt trips when you are navigating motherhood.

NovelTeach − NTA You are 100% right to consider everything that your baby may need, and make a plan based on reality. Your mom obviously has a poor self image, and it sounds like she pushed until she got an answer that validated her own thoughts and feelings. Her response is unfortunate, but you weren’t cruel, are willing to let her be as involved as she is able. Your priorities are where they should be.

Ace_In_The_Whole1776 − NTA at all. She’s deflecting the consequences of her life choices onto you as a way to absolve herself from responsibility. Instead of using this as a wake up call to improve her health, she’s playing the victim.

It’s very sad and unfortunate, as I’m sure she’s a very loving person in your life, based on how happily you responded to her visiting you. Hopefully, in time, she’ll come to accept reality, and WANT to put the work in for herself so she’ll be around longer to see her grandbaby grow.

Usrname52 − You mention having to book a flight. So, your mom isn't local. What would her plan actually be to be your full time childcare? Staying with you for months? Leaving her home and moving to your city? Does she currently have a job? Wouldnyou be paying her?

You're right that her mobility will impact her ability to take care of the baby. But if she doesn't live locally, why does that need to be the issue you focused on? If she lived 10 minutes away, I can see the mobility having to be your go to...but why not

Sea_Kangaroo826 − NTA. You laid out a series of very legitimate practical concerns. This is not about body image and while I'm sure her feelings are hurt (which sucks and I don't believe you wanted to hurt her feelings!) the safety of your infant child is paramount. You advocated for your child in the face of pressure which can be difficult to do.

One_Raise1521 − NTA her weight is not safe for the baby. What happens when she has a major heart attack or fall etc.

In conclusion, balancing familial love with the practical demands of childcare is never easy. The OP’s decision to prioritize her baby’s immediate safety—despite the emotional fallout—is a testament to realistic parenting. We invite you to join the discussion: What would you do if you faced a similar crossroads between family loyalty and essential childcare requirements? Share your experiences and thoughts below.

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